My dad has died suddenly

[Grapeeatingweirdo]

You'll probably remember me from my numerous threads about horrible ex DP. This year had already been very rough with the breakup and everything with that.

My lovely dad died really suddenly on Saturday. He was the best. It was so totally unexpected.

I feel tired, numb and scared that the numbness means that I didn't care about my dad. My whole family are crying around me and I'm comforting them. I loved my dad and I don't think it's hit me yet.

I don't know what I'm asking you lovely lot for really, but thought I'd put this out there.

I'm so sorry. What a devastating blow for you. The numbness is shock. Don't worry about feeling this way - there's no right or wrong. Just focus on getting through the next minute, the next hour, the next day. Do whatever it takes to help you. A sweet hot tea, a stiff drink, sleep. Just look after yourself - you've got a tough time ahead.

I am so sorry to hear your sad news. Everyone deals with things differently. Please be kind to yourself xx

Sorry to hear of your loss grape
Yes, the numbness is shock, sometimes our minds go into denial to help protect us.
Be kind to yourself and remember whatever you're feeling is ok.

So sorry. I was in shock too when a beloved parent died and went into overdrive with organising things. Give yourself time. I'm sorry you've lost your lovely dad

Grape,

I was sorry to read of your Dad's passing.

What you are feeling in terms of numbness is shock at his passing; you need to be kind to yourself. It is both normal and ok to feel numb currently and it certainly does not mean you did not care for your dad.

Grief and the processes of dealing with this are a marathon too, not a sprint. Its going to take time and there is no right way or wrong way when it comes to grieving.

CRUSE are also very good to talk to re bereavement. You may wish to give them a call at some point too.

I'm so sorry - what a dreadful shock, and I know how painful it is. Don't worry about how you feel, just expect a rollercoaster, and try to look after yourself.

We all have a different journey, but it's not easy.

I'm so very sorry for your loss There's never a good time to lose a loved one but it's particularly hard when it seems that the world and his wife are intent on celebrating the festive season.

The reason you're feeling numb is because you're in a state of disbelief, and it could be that needing to be strong for your famly will further delay the overwhelming grief you will feel when you comprehend the full extent of your loss.

May I suggest you consider asking mumsnet to move this thread to the Bereavement where it will stand as a tribute to your dear dad and to your progress through this heartbreaking rite of passage that, in the natural order of things, we all have to face at some time in our lives?

Bereavement board

I'm so sorry, please be kind to yourself. We all grieve and heal in different ways, being supportive to your family now is totally fine, just make sure that you allow yourself time as well.

I lost my dad almost three weeks ago - not sudden or unexpected, but I felt the same. Lost myself in supporting my mum and helping organise the funeral. The sadness didn't seem to want to come.

It's starting to come now, at the oddest moments. Something will remind me and it just hits me. We all respond to bereavement in different ways, there isn't a right way to do it. You just have to be kind to yourself and let it happen. It will, in time, in whatever way meets your needs.

And if you feel you need support processing your feelings, may I recommend you contact CRUSE? My DH had counselling with them over losing his parents and it transformed him. They are a charity and don't charge. Their counsellors are people who have experienced bereavement themselves and have had training to support others. Good luck

sorry for your loss.

Everyone grieves differently. Of course you loved him. That comes shining through in your post.

There is a long-running thread on the bereavement board for people who have lost a parent. I found it hugely helpful when I lost my dad last year. Maybe check it out when you feel ready.

Time will help you accept & heal.

for you & your loved ones'. (((((Hugs)))))

I'm so sorry, exactly the same thing happened to my dad he was perfectly fine then just collapsed and died one night it was devistating

Oh, I do feel for you, Grape,

Every death of a loved one is so very hard to comprehend, but a totally unexpected one is doubly cruel: you inevitably feel cheated of the opportunity to have said goodbye and prepare yourself.

Perhaps you could re-frame thinking that you should be showing emotion, and instead see it as a way of honouring your Dad that you've looked after everyone else's wellbeing at such a sad time? I'm sure he'd feel enormously proud.

(Just so long as YOU are also able to reach out for support and rest, whenever needed).

Your grief may or may not hit you fully yet, but feeling numb in no way reflects your innermost thoughts, or the love which you so obviously had (and will always have) for him. It's a very individual experience.

Best wishes.

I'm so sorry Grape .

And for you too pointy .

My Dad died very suddenly too Grape and 5 mins after receiving the most devastating news of my life I boiled the kettle and made everyone tea. Life just carried on. It wasn't how I'd imagined grief to be at all. Not like in the movies or TV when everyone is wailing.

The warmth and love you had for your dad shines through in your post. There is absolutely no need to feel guilty about your reaction. Bereavement is a long, slow process and in my experience, the closer you are to the person the less likely it is for the tears to flow freely. My friend's DD died and we were all absolute wrecks. She held it together though, and like you was comforting everyone else. Maybe it's a coping mechanism? It certainly isn't something you should feel bad about.

Eould you like to tell us about him?

Thank you. I might give cruise a call. I'm so sorry for the losses you have also suffered

So sorry to hear that. My Dad also died suddenly, just a few weeks before the birth of my second child.

Bereavement is going to be a slow process - right now everything is very unreal, but I would really watch out for the time about 12 weeks from now, when everything is sort of settling down. My GP warned me about that time, and right enough it hit me like a ton of bricks (having a newborn to deal with was also tough!) - I struggled a lot and made some very bad decisions in that time, so make sure you have support that you can turn to.

I found my GP very supportive, and also the counselling service which was available through my employment. I wish I had turned to them sooner than I did so some things may have turned out differently - if you have access to support like that then do consider using it early and often.

So very sorry for you, and all the best from here.

Sorry for your loss grape.My DD died in 1974 when I was 21.Couldn't cry until well after the funeral and then not the full on snot crying that I'd had when my cat died .I adored my dad but it took a good few weeks to grieve 'properly'.This was so long ago but not a day goes by that I don't think about him but in a good and positive way.Again,sorry about your dad.

I'm so very sorry. Losing a beloved parent is terrible it really is. Like everyone else said - there is no 'right' way to grieve. It might hit you all at once. It might manifest in the stupidest things years down the line.
My dad died nearly 7 years ago now. He was the most important person (except for my DH and kids) in my life, as he was the one that raised me.
I only cried once. That was following his coffin to the funeral. My brain struggled to process that. I have rarely cried since. I don't know why. My DH thinks its weird. Now and again I dream of him, or something happens and it hits me that I can't tell my dad.
What I'm trying to reiterate, is that you just need to go through it. However it happens is unique for you. Its obvious that you loved him. No guilt required. Take care of yourself and I hope CRUSE help. xxx

I am so sorry for your losses, Grape and Pointy

Grief is such a personal path and as everyone is saying, there is no "right" way to grieve. And I think it is probably very common to think "am I normal, am I responding the right way" and of course you are.

So very hard to be bereaved unexpectedly - your emotions haven't even had a hope of catching up with you yet.

I lost my Dad 5 years ago after a short illness and today would have been his birthday - it's so strange how feelings manifest in so many ways and at so many odd times. Today I just feel very aware of how much my Dad loved me and your Dads loved you too. We have the pain of loss but I think we still have that love.

I would also add that the grief can hit you in some really odd ways. I had a supervision session with my manager last Thursday in which we were doing some workload planning. My manager wrote down that I would not have capacity to do X, Y and Z until April 17 (as in 2017). I nearly lost it because April 17th was my dad's birthday. Felt like being hit in the chest with a brick.

Just reported the post above mine - it has appeared on multiple threads, hopefully it will go poof soon.

Thank you so much for your responses. They are very comforting

Good luck with CRUSE. I wish I'd contacted them. I bottled things up and ended up going for counselling a year later. It was the best thing I ever did though.