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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sticky situation

21 replies

peppatax · 05/12/2016 17:43

I've been resisting posting for a while as identifiable I am sure but here goes nothing. In a place where I need help.

I left my STBXH almost 2 years ago - mostly happy but been going downhill for a while, always had a sense of 'this can't be it'. Tough at first on him but we now coparent amicably. He's a great guy and he's been a good friend.

I've been with on/off DP for 18 months, he's amazing in some ways but so difficult in others. We lived together for a while, our DDs are both primary aged and get on famously. It got too much for me having to fill the role of 'mum' for his DD (no mother) while he progressed rapidly at work as I was taking the pressure off at home, despite me working FT and having MH issues. I began to struggle and arguments led to the point that I moved back out for the sake of my MH. He had 6 weeks' notice to arrange alternative childcare. My overall feeling was anger at having to do this rather than sadness at me leaving.

Roll on a few months and I'm unexpectedly pregnant. We're trying to resolve things for the sake of the baby. I love him dearly and have a great time when it's just us but I do struggle with family life.

I'm at a crossroads about what to do; he's not sure because of the hurt and anger on both sides we'll get back to where we were but at the same time wants to be with me and be part of the baby's life. I never wanted to really leave in the first place but felt I had no choice as I was under so much pressure.

We have time apart, I get on okay, then we have time together and I feel like I just can't let him go. My MH issues mean I struggle to have normal relationships and whilst he's sympathetic to a point, he says I can't blame everything on that.

think with time I can build myself up and although will be sad at losing him, could go on to fairly functional and happy. On the other hand, being with him will continue to be amazing highs and crashing lows. The baby complicates it further as I'm not sure I can cope with him coming and going to see the baby. I won't 'get over' him.

What can I do to work out in my head what is best? I know I can't change him but he's open to address some of our issues but we disagree a lot.

OP posts:

BumDNC · 05/12/2016 17:52

You can't not let him be part of the babies life because you still hold a torch for him, that's not rational in any way at all.

Also agree you can't blame MH issues for everything, but it just sounds like you aren't very compatible long term. You maybe want and value different things. It's confusing because his DD doesn't have a mother I gather so it's only natural that him and his DD may have assumed that by loving him and moving in you wanted to take that role, then you decided you didn't? Although I can also appreciate it wasn't ideal him going off being career man and leaving you at home (but was he just trying to provide for you all? Not clear). But you knew what you were taking on and so did he. Being with him would mean mothering 3 kids, one of whom isn't your own. If you aren't ready for that then moving out was a fair step.

What is it that he's actually done/doing wrong because that's not clear from your post. You seem to be the one who struggles and another baby isn't going to help that. You need to get your own life and mind sorted before you get involved with him and his DD again I need my opinion and do it for your 2 kids, not him and not you.

BumDNC · 05/12/2016 17:53

In my opinion not I need, sorry

Original poster

peppatax · 05/12/2016 18:02

Yes - sorry, some things not clear in my OP.

He will certainly be involved in the baby's life but can be very manipulative to get his own way so I feel we either need to be committed to being together or I need to get over him basically so we can see each other to coparent.

His career ambitions were due to having been a single parent previously - my resentment came that rather than just progressing his career he repeatedly said that he enjoyed the freedom and traveling, going out etc. but then had an issue if I wanted to spend weekend time with him, forgetting I'd not seen him most of the week as he'd been out 'doing his career thing'. I'm financially independent from him so it wasn't a 'providing' thing other than maybe male pride!

You're right in saying I need to sort myself out for my 2 children and I am doing so - getting appropriate help and looking after myself better. It's just the uncertainty around the relationship is my wobble.

OP posts:

BumDNC · 05/12/2016 18:07

You need to take him out of this equation for the kids sake right now. Make plans to co-parent with him as best as you can. I don't think making decisions based on pregnancy are good at all.

It sounds like he didn't want to be a single parent and you were a mother option. Also he's manipulative makes him sound horrid.

Focus on you and your DC,that's you best option for now. Nothing is black and white and final and if he can't accept the grey areas then he's a twat. You and the baby being safe and well matter the most so he ought to respect your boundaries

Hermonie2016 · 05/12/2016 18:19

He was selfish and seemed to take advantage of you to bring up his child so he could enjoy his life without much regard for your feelings, is that correct?

I think if you feel he is manipulative then you can't have a good relationship, you just can't trust him and will always need to second guess his motives.
That will not help you get better.
I think you need to continue to take time out, maybe he will realise what he had lost and change but its not very likely.
You really need to feel he is on your team and you can work together, not one of you pulling ahead for themselves.

Hermonie2016 · 05/12/2016 18:19

It's especially important as you are not married so have limited financial security.

Original poster

peppatax · 05/12/2016 18:25

It's so difficult - I did agree initially to the extra childcare responsibilities but with a limited scope which within 3-4 months got to more than I could handle. So I can see why he feels I let him down but at the same time when I asked for help it wasn't forthcoming. So it is a bit six of one and half a dozen of another which doesn't help moving forward.

I guess I'm struggling as I want to be with him, I don't want to go through the grieving process for our relationship when I can see him going one way or another - totally stepping up and being there for me (as he has done in the past when I was unwell) or protecting his own interests and being very difficult about the baby.

OP posts:

Isetan · 05/12/2016 19:43

If you get back together now you will fall back into the same situation that made you bolt the last time and given that he isn't averse to resorting to manipulation to get his own way, it probably would be sooner rather than later. At present this isn't a relationship I would inflict on one child let alone three. Your priority should be acquiring stability for you and your children and currently this relationship doesn't represent that.

HandyWoman · 05/12/2016 19:46

OP, firstly as someone who struggles with MH and has a baby on the way you absolutely must look after yourself. Do not be tempted to get back with or move in with someone who comes with an extra dd and who does not worship the ground you walk on. There are reasons you split. He sounds like you were very much a convenience to him. Having a baby does not change that.
It must be a hugely emotional time for you it please do keep sight of what's important - the stability and wellbeing of your MH and your dd. I would suggest counselling for you to really get closure on your romantic relationship with this man. Good luck, OP.

Original poster

peppatax · 05/12/2016 20:22

Thanks all, it's what I needed to hear. Just need to find a way to cope when I have the overwhelming sadness. I've got my DD tonight so have focused on her and has helped a lot.

OP posts:

baconandeggies · 05/12/2016 20:45

Unless you can both come up with a plan - 3rd party childcare, cleaner etc - things wouldn't be any different.

comoneileen · 05/12/2016 20:55

I think that in the previous order of things it was not possible, you were being used and you were right to put a stop to it. Was it just for convenience? He needs to have his DD on his own sometimes. she is his and no one else. It is bartering maybe a 50/50 with childcare rota so he can have his night and you can have yours. Do you think he loves you?

Original poster

peppatax · 05/12/2016 21:14

I know he loves me. Not because he says it but because when it's been just the two of us, it's like we're the only people in the world. I just think he doesn't know how to love me anymore. He said he always prioritised me but when x,y,z had to be done before I got to spend time with him it didn't feel like it. It doesn't help his family don't like me so he feels torn - they're not encouraging him to reconcile with me and he's told me they have said 'life will be easier for you without her'.

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 05/12/2016 21:30

You're not very clear but it does sound like just because you're a woman, he expects you to pick up the slack at home, despite you both working full time and both having one dd each. I think it's worth you coming up with a fair system you'd both be happy with - basically 50/50 and/or getting extra help in the form of cleaners and childcare. If he's not willing to do that then you know that it's more your usefulness to him rather than his love for you that is keeping him with you.

Original poster

peppatax · 05/12/2016 21:35

No Cricrichan it's not that at all - he had a cleaner already when I moved in so kept her and he did 75% of the daily chores. It was just the school runs (different schools) and homework, school events, activities etc that was left to me as he had a longer commute and I have more flexible hours. It's just there was genuinely not enough hours left in the week for 'us'.

He admittedly would have preferred me to take a more SAHM role but respected my decision that continuing work was crucial for me.

OP posts:

comoneileen · 05/12/2016 21:39

he sounds quite old -fashioned in his views of women. That's not a great sign.

Cricrichan · 05/12/2016 21:41

I see. Would both girls being at the same school help? Or organising after school care or getting an au pair?

Original poster

peppatax · 05/12/2016 21:50

I think it's a culture thing to be honest (this is the issue with his family, very traditional, they don't understand why I want to work). I asked him to move his DD to my DD's school (harder to move her as she's 50:50 at her Dad's) and he didn't want her to have to go through moving schools and unsettle her. Which again, I'm torn between thinking he's a good Dad and also not committed to our family as not prepared to make my life easier.

OP posts:

Original poster

peppatax · 05/12/2016 21:51

Yes I know comoneileen but in some ways he was really good, no qualms about cooking dinner or clearing up, getting up with the children on the weekend, doing the bins, etc.

OP posts:

comoneileen · 05/12/2016 22:10

so then maybe you can find a middle ground. It is already more than some men would do, but the issue is him using YOUR Time selfishly and not reciprocating?

Original poster

peppatax · 06/12/2016 09:30

Yes it is already more than some men do I know but it's less than he's used to having to do, by shifting it to me he has and uses more leisure time and I have less... he can't see that it frustrates me that my life got harder and his got easier and it needed to rebalance. That was the original argument which led to the moving out etc.

OP posts:

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