DH called sex line

[Loafingaround]

Hello
would love some thoughts on this.
We had second DS 6 months ago meaning we've had sex just twice this year, once before I had him and only once since, he wakes in night, I co-sleep, breastfeed so basically have zero libido.

I think I jokingly said a month ago, how I realise this isn't great for him so would understand if he called a sex line.

Yesterday he came home from my parents in the country a few hours earlier as he wanted to clear up house/ and do some work while i stayed back a bit. Came home and he was bit grumpy saying house was utter tip and he'd spent all morning clearing up. Later that night I borrow his phone to use his spotify, and see a text message on screen saying "sorry missed your call earlier, but I could come round for massage booking between 1-11pm". I then see he also called the sex line too. Go down stairs, throw phone at him, livid, we have massive argument. He admits to using sex line as he is so desperate for sex, and said the massage was 100% pure sports massage as he does have injury. He quickly then deleted the message/numbers- which I thought showed the massage re. massage was actually more of an escort, so was even more livid. I've been upset all day, but wihT some digging, I found out the website was actually a genuine massage/home visit site (we have both booked double couples massages before in our house) and I know he does have an injury. the website is totally non sexual, but dIdnt help the woman he'd contacted did look gorgeous/glam!
All day he'd been messaging saying he feels disgusted with himself, so so sorry promise wont do again, I did say that he could call a sex line and the massage was legit. My issue is he lied about it all, didn't say any of this had happened, just that he'd been cleaning all morning and wanted sympathy.
I feel quite hollow and sad this has all happened before christmas, should i try to forgive him? He's otherwise a decent, kind, good father and partner, and I am pretty stand offish physically at the moment?

Are you ok with him calling a sex line? I don't think most folk would be. You have a new baby - surely he can learn to control himself without the need to look elsewhere? I know it is not something I could forgive - how do you think you could do that? You appear to be blaming yourself here which is every shade of wrong. And him stomping around - is that guilt or him using that to justify his infidelity I wonder.

No grown man is desperate for sex, only the sleazy ones are, and any man who uses having children to go off and have sex, be it chat or physical is not worth a fuck, sorry OP but he's full of BS.

I just don't understand how you can be ok with him calling sex chat lines - it's a massive betrayal imo.

Why can't he respect you and your relationship and use his had fgs, why does he have to seek out other women for sexual gratification, as for the massage, hmmm, I'd not take that as read either.

You sound pretty forgiving but for me, I just couldn't be with a man that was discussing and getting off sexually with anyone other than myself.

And I am not even married to my partner, do you both not take the vows of marriage seriously?

hand, not had!

I think sex just twice in a year would probably be classed as a sexless marriage.

It seems he took your 'joke' about calling a sex chat line as real.

Is calling a sex chat line a deal breaker for you?

Do you talk properly about your lack of sex life, really talk, without joking about it?

Sounds like you are falling into the trap of being a 'cool girl' about calling sex lines. It is actually ok to say that you are not comfortable with it, if you aren't in your heart.

Are you intimate and close with one another? i.e. hold hands, talk kindly, cuddle?

They are very flexible hours for someone offering a sports massage. If he wants sex then a phone call to a sex line isn't going to provide that is it. It certainly sounds very dodgy to me.

It's not a sexless marriage! It's a woman getting over giving birth six months ago!

Yes, forgive him -dog house for a few days to teach him a lesson but it's not worth throwing life as you know it away for.
By the way, the picture of the sex line worker prob bears no relation to the actual woman on the line.

It is totally normal for new babies to disrupt sex lives. I am nearly at full-term with my pregnancy and we have had sex a few times but not very many since I got pregnant. Depending on how the birth and first few months go, I am not expecting things to be much more lively than that for some time. If my DHbstarted calling sex lines I would be really upset; that is outside the boundaries of our relationship.

If the massage site was genuine why was he in such a hurry to delete?

And, if as you say, he is desperate for sex then why wouldn't he, you're cook with him talking sex on the phone so he's probably thought, in for a penny......

He sounds like he can't control himself tbh.

such a slippery slope been here and sadly it starts with Chat lines .. i would be looking at phone and internet history if I was you.

Sorry this has happened OP. I agree with adora, you're getting over giving birth OP it's not a sexless marriage, the fact that he would cave so soon after giving birth doesn't bode well OP.

What is almost worse than calling the sex line IMHO (which costs a bomb, I'd be fuming he was cheating and spending family money to do it) is that he was really grumpy with you when you came home and lied by omission to you about it which shows a) his utter contempt and disregard for you and b) that he knew you were only joking about the sex line thing and what he did was wrong / outside the boundaries of your relationship - otherwise he would have talked to you about it beforehand or talked to you about it when you got in.

His line that 'you did say he could call a sex line' is also something I would be EXTREMELY unhappy about, as well as the deleted messages. He is minimising and putting blame on you, which, if he was really sorry, he wouldn't be doing. He should be doing everything possible to reassure you, and deleting the messages doesn't do that at all. So that tells me OP he isn't telling you everything and that he isn't 100% sorry.

It's up to you if you choose to forgive him or not, but whether you do or not, either way I think I would insist DH goes to stay somewhere else so you get some space to figure things out, and until you get the full story (access to phone, email etc.) and a proper apology without any minimising or blame shifting. He would then realise just how much he has fucked up. Alternatively he might then fuck around some more, but if he does then he would do that in your marriage anyway, so he's obviously not worth it and surely it's better to know that now rather than later? If he doesn't fuck around and is genuinely contrite after a period away, and you want to make it work, then maybe look at division of child caring labour so that you are not so knackered and counselling?

IMHO the worst thing you can do in this situation is to just let it go because in his mind this hasn't been such a big deal so may do it again, or escalate his behaviour, and he will just expect a slap on the wrist.