I try not to spend time with people I dislike (or who dislike me!)

[Myrobalanna]

Some of the best advice I ever got was that "You don't have to like everybody and it's ok not to" - I absolutely stand by that. I don't mean that it's ok to snap-judge someone or to take out your own problems on well-meaning people, and I never do drama.

I just mean: if you have a friend who's more like an acquaintance and she actually irritates you - you don't necessarily have to spend time with her.

If your parents-in-law are kind of unfeeling and you get the impression they do you down: let your partner bear the brunt of visiting them with the kids. They are more his responsibility than yours.

If you're going away with a bunch of people and you dislike one of them intensely but can't say anything: finding a way not to go is not the worst thing in the world. Even if you lose money because you didn't realise what was going on until it was too late. White lies are fine and people can cope with an absence far better than they might let on.

One example I'm proud of is that in my industry there are a few old misogynists who I frankly refuse to work with (this is to their detriment btw, without giving anything away). People get themselves tied up in knots about this stuff. It's really very simple: if you are not treated with respect, do not go out of your way for people.

I'm not saying I lie my head off - I very, very rarely lie, in fact, but I cultivate a busy life and always have a lot of work on. I spend a lot of good time with my family and friends and my relationship with my in-laws has changed beyond recognition for the better.

This is a totally self-centred post - I just want to pass the advice on because I didn't get it until I was about 38 and it's changed my life!

I agree with most of this.

I think it can be a little more complicated - for instance, when ignoring a horrible family member would really hurt other people in the family who didn't deserve that, so you tolerate them just at family events or whatever. But by and large, yes, I agree - and it's something I'm much better able to do as I've got older.

Having said that, I'm really not that sociable anyway, so maybe that makes it easier for me to ditch people...

I think when I first had children unfortunately the pressure is there to get to know people and network for the sake of your offspring. Heaven forbid your 2 year old doesn't have a full set of little friends - leading to some degree of forcing yourself to be pleasant to people who I really didn't like firstly in the antenatal group and then in the school playground.

Now my DCs are old enough to walk themselves to school I do feel quite liberated in that respect.

With families it's a whole different level, isn't it? That's what I mean about 'cultivating a busy life' - sometimes you just have to be unavailable to be talked down to by poisonous old aunts. Bringing on the drama is not often a good solution.
(Though some of the parents I read about on here definitely need a talking to and/or to be ignored for the rest of their lives.)

I've been thinking along these lines for a little while now op. I did think I was being selfish, but perhaps it's just sensible!
I have two children. I also have mental and physical health issues that, whilst not really bad, do have an impact on what I can do. Especially when it comes to how much energy I have!
There are people in my wider social circle that I mostly avoid now. Spending time with them was doing nothing but sap what little energy I had. I need to be healthy and happy for my children.
I only give as much as I can. This time of year is hard for me, my eldest has a birthday and there's a big church event that I've been involved with for a decade now. To these two things I am committed. Anything else I have to say no. For the last two years, doing both these things in quick succession has left me ill and really struggling, so anything else will push me right over the edge.
And yet that doesn't stop the guilt trip people. I do feel bad I'm not capable of doing more. I'd so very much love to be one of these women with tonnes of energy who do so very much and don't seem to break a sweat. But I'm not. I've seen my mum make herself ill through other peoples demands and I've learned from that example!
I've cultivated something of a comfortable nodding acquaintance with the other school mums. I haven't had to grit my teeth through playdates that DS would probably hate as well anyway. The really good news is that DS's closest friends stay for after school club and he doesn't so it's no problem at all!

I have been like this since childhood, my friends are lovely, my family I have contact with are great. I see the less adorable members once in a blue moon so it's almost fun. But then their is dh's immediate family parents loving but self defeatingly controlling and incapable of emotional honesty unless in throes of grief or drink! Sibling a horror but with lovely children our children's cousins really hard to balance the positives and negatives.

Totally agree.
DH doesn't understand that when I say I don't like someone it doesn't mean I hate them, I just don't want to spend time with them.
I refuse to waste my time on people who don't add something to my life, whether it's just themselves because I enjoy being with them or there is some other advantage for me (work, DC friends etc).
I'm actually quite a nice person and will help out most people but that doesn't mean I want to spend time with them.
Like most other people I didn't come to this conclusion until I was in my late 30's

Couldn't agree more. And for that reason I've ended my relationship because it was making me downright miserable - as were his parents and other family, so I've killed several birds with a single stone.

Unfortunately it becomes complicated when people pretend to be your friend but they are really, really not and then you find out when it's too late.

I like this in theory but in practice I still end up dithering.

First, if I find someone annoying I tend to feel like I'm being bitchy and should give them a second, third, fourth chance.
Then I don't have so many friends so I feel like I can't be picky - this is a superstitious feeling that if I feel so superior to them that I let them go, then my other friends will drop me the same way!
And finally, after years of feeling negative about going out at all, I'm also trying to say "yes" more when people ask me if I want to do stuff.

Yes I think I live like this and so does DH. I have learnt through some friendships going sour that life is too short to waste on those who are not true and loyal.
The only downside is that now we are in our 40s we do not have a large circle of friends. But we do have a few very close dear friends who mean the world to me. Very occasionally I find myself yearning for a larger group but not very often to be honest. Also since my DH was diagnosed with a lifelong health condition we do have to take things a bit slower anyway.

I can relate to this thread so much ! It's taken me to get to the age of 47 to realise I don't want to be a people pleaser anymore . I don't have to be one . It's hard as I am an only child and so don't have a small family but I am not going to try and worry about people liking me anymore . I will only make the effort with people I love and who love me . You have to be strong but it feels so liberating !

I mean don't have a large family !

I agree with this. It's taking me many years to realise that I find large social gatherings difficult to cope with and that I just need a few friends. It's OK to be on my own and I actually enjoy it. I think this helps. What is the point of spending time with people who make you feel bad? I did more socialising when my dd was little for her sake and I agree you have to spend some time with family members who you might not like too much out of duty. However, you can put boundaries in place, decide how much you can cope with and stick to that.

I think people pleasing is a big problem to a lot of women. They just have to be liked at all costs, however bad certain relationships make them feel. I feel very liberated from that now I am older. When your dcs grow up, you can say to yourself that it's time you pleased yourself for a change!

I agree with this and have learned as I get older that it's ok if people don't like me. What is important is that I like myself.

What I struggle with is though is when friendships end or drift - if we used to get on in the past but now don't. I can accept it and get through it but it can hurt at first.

But I'm getting better at walking away when I'm just not 'feeling it' anymore, and it can feel very liberating if someone has treated me badly or been dismissive. I used to chase after people like this, but I've realised now that if they aren't behaving in a kind and respectful way to me then I'm really not missing out on anything by walking away.

Agreed OP. Similarly I try to remind myself that what others think of me is none of my business.

Posted too soon. Meant to say that I am a firm introvert, so only have so much capacity for other people...so I have to choose wisely who to use that capacity on!

Oh yes, I definitely do all of this. Took me a while to learn though!

I freelance and work for several people/companies. One of them is always late paying me and I always have to chase. It is a total pain in the butt. Unbeknown to them they are bottom of the pile and I will phase them out as I gain other work. I am utterly professional in the process. It will be their loss not mine.

Re-reading this thread after a Christmas visit with dh's brother and family (no love lost! I think BIL is a rude shit actually).
They are moving house this month and will be near us instead of hours and hours away. I plan on being the busiest I've ever been in my life for the next few months!