Competing with affair excitement

[ShadowFax02]

Hi all, I'm a first time poster.
A few months ago I discovered my wife was having an affair and we have spent that time attempting to rebuild our marriage. I have two small children and I am prepared to do anything to keep us all together.

My question is how can I complete with the excitement of an affair? My wife struggles to be intimate with me. I think she still lives in the illusion of how the affair made her feel.
Do I give her space? Or will that be a bad idea?
She never initiates any form of intimacy with me but I know from the gory details that this wasn't an issue with him! She tells me all the right things but I feel like she's really struggling to find feelings for me. I feel like the father of our children is my only role, not her husband.
Thanks

I sympathise. What a painful situation. Sorry if you've already thought of this, but have you considered joint counselling? Relate has a good reputation. You deserve to feel better than this and she needs to restore your trust.

You don't try to compete. She had the affair, and if she isn't falling over herself to make the marriage work now then her heart isn't in it. Don't stay with someone who doesn't want to be with you. That's a miserable scenario for everyone.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't believe you can compete and I don't think you should try, the affair wasn't reality, the only thing you and your wife should work on is being the best within your reality.

I agree that couples counselling might be good for you.

It's a hard one to get over especially if you know too much of the gory details.

Your wife needs to rebuild your trust and if she is honest about wanting to save the marriage then she does need to be addressing certain issues.

I suspect she has checked out of the marriage as far as intimacy is concerned and had probably done so before the affair. Doesn't sound like she is in a hurry to get it back either.

She might have ended the affair for the sole reason that her lover had no interest in taking on a woman with children so it was better for her to stay.

Try and save your marriage by all means but I wonder if you are not flogging a dead cow?

Better to leave now with your dignity and sanity intact.

She's not in the marriage anymore, she should be moving hell on earth to try and show you how much she loves you, sorry but she clearly does not, you should split and find someone who can love you unconditionally because this is a half hearted marriage that wont last.

I am sorry OP but firstly affair fog can take a long time to lift, and your wife ( rightly or wrongly) is missing her affair partner. You do not say how the affair ended , and whether it was because they were found out, if it abruptly ended , she may well be missing it even more. The feelings in ana ffair are highly addictive, and though she has stayed it maybe that she is struggling with whether she has made the right decision. Many on here and other forums will go on about the wandering spouse MUST do everything to make things right, but it is just not that simple, she may well be very unsure about reconciliation, separating, why she did it, why it ended ...reconcilliation in a marriage has to be what both people want...do you want her to stay out of duty or guilt ? or would it be better for you both to consider separating ? Sadly you cannot 'compete' its not a competition, if she does not want to reconcile you cannot effectively make her.

I would urge you try to discuss this in a no blame environment, yes she had the affair, yes most people will say she is to blame, and yes she is to blame for hurting you but she is not to blame if the marriage is not what she wants anymore. No one is to blame, it happens, people marry for the wrong reasons or fall out of love and sadly not all marriages are right for both parties. People are not possessions we can keep, they have to want to be with us.

Have you tried counselling? Real life can't compete with the excitement of affairs, that's why people have them, as an escape from reality. In that relationship you're not all the things you've fallen into being with your dp - the parent, the one who irons the pants, the one who cleans the toilets or whatever - you're just the sexually desirable person that maybe you don't feel like at home. It must be really hard to move from having those 2 separate lives back to a healthy, functioning relationship which satisfies on all fronts.

There might be all sorts of issues:
Does she feel attractive to you? Do you find her sexy, and does she confidently know that, or does she doubt it? Does she feel self conscious, old or mumsy? With an affair partner, you can pretend to be someone else, someone confident and sexy. Your partner knows you're just you.
Is she still sexually attracted to you? How was your sex life before the affair? Were there issues which haven't been addressed for a long time?
Are there issues such as guilt or trust issues, anger or hesitation on one or both sides after the affair?
Are there deeper issues than the sex? Does she love you? Do her actions show warmth and kindness to you? Does she seem to want to make you happy, or do you feel it's more that she just wants you to stay?

Presumably, if she has cut all contact with OM and the relationship is otherwise on track now then it's because you're BOTH prioritising each other's needs and feelings, she's remorseful, and you've both seriously re-committed to being each other's priority and really working on the relationship - is this what's happening? Or do her actions suggest she's still not in it 100? I'm talking about honesty, openness about feelings, transparency about where she's going etc to build trust again, is she doing everything she can?

Affairs are difficult as fuck to get over, even if both parties are trying their best. If you're both desperate for this relationship to work I'd really recommend investing in some sessions with relate, and both you should read Shirley Glass "Not just friends". Good luck.

Thanks for all of the replies.
All contact with the OM has been cut, it turns out that he was not the man she had pictured in her head. That bubble has well and truly burst.
She is remorseful, she tells me she loves me and she is genuinely trying. It's been a few months now but she's only recently opened up with the real details of what happened. It's purely the intimacy issues that we are struggling with. Perhaps she doesn't find me attractive anymore, although I know if I ask her she will tell me to stop being silly.

Before the affair I thought our sex life was ok, I just fell into the trap of not paying her enough attention as time with the kids and work got in the way. Someone else stepped in and met her needs and I hate myself for letting that happen.

Dont blame yourself. She was the one at fault not you.

Well you are completely wrong about letting anything happen, she made a choice and that was to cheat and lie to you, nothing to do with you not paying her attention if so, why did she not put her efforts into you and her?

I am sorry OP but if you are of the mindset that you caused this then she's never really going to have any regret or respect for you, you should be mighty angry with her tbh, not taking the blame for what SHE did.

Hello
I would avoid blame / guilt etc - what has happened has happened and at the minute you are both trying to make it work.
I think you both need space and maybe she could do with some counselling to talk through her feelings and thoughts privately. An affair messes with your head and how you see things as well as guilt / lying/ fear and she needs to accept what she has done, maybe understand why and importantly forgive herself for it before she can move on, which all takes time.
It's hard but as you love her and want it to work - then you need to stand back - be who you are and let her choose you and want to be with you.
Then work on whatever the reasons were for her to think an affair was a good idea - her own counselling should help her understand that.
Take care - she is lucky to have you.

So what if he had been the man she had pictured in her head??????

The way you paint it suggests to me you are simply the fall guy, 2nd best until the next one comes along. Words are cheap, free in fact. She can tell you she loves you all she wants but it doesnt mean she means it and she doesnt seem to be showing it.

Google the Pick Me Dance

That's you, that is. 100% guaranteed to

shit all over whatever shreds of self respect you have left

Give it up. If her heart's not in it, if she is not the one making all the effort, this is a lost cause

user that is terrible advice

Op would have to be a complete mug to follow through with that

She did this OP. Stop feeling you are responsible or you have to fix this.

Some couples get over an affair and their marriage is better the other side. But the journey to the other side is difficult and long.

Decide what you want, is it worth the effort? Will you really trust her again.

Don't blame yourself, the fault is hers and hers alone. She should be doing cartwheels and jumping through hoops trying to keep you. If she's not, cut your losses.

Sometimes the juice just ain't worth the squeeze (as my DD would say!)

Please please please please do not blame yourself for her conscious decision to embark on an affair. That was decision was NOT your fault and she should take sole responsibility for her actions. My husband had a brief affair at the end of last year. In no way, shape or form do I blame myself for his actions. I do take responsibility for my contribution to the breakdown of our relationship however, HE chose to have an affair, I did not make him. It makes me so sad when wronged partners feel it was their fault. 😞😞

Absolutely not your fault she CHOSE to have an affair.

I agree it sounds like you're doing the pick me dance - which nobody wins.

I also think she doesn't really want to be with you which is hard to hear. But better a hard truth than a comforting fantasy - which will come crashing down around your ears later anyway.

I personally don't believe a relationship ever truly recovers from a full blown affair (emotional or physical). Infidelity maybe - one night stand but not an affair.

In my circle I even have a few couples that have open marriages - it's not the act that destroys the relationship - it's the lies, the betrayal and destruction of trust.

A few couples I know have gone on to stay together after an affair but it hasn't lasted. Longest was 9 years and frankly I think there was a financial motivation there.

Get counselling for yourself, get your affairs in order re finances and legalities and move on.

A couple of suggestions for you :

Read a book called 'no more Mr. Nice Guy' by Dr. Robert Glover. It's available on pdf

Get online support on www.survivinginfidelity.com

Sadly, there are thousands in your situation and many members have suffered what you have.

It doesn't sound like loosing you was a concern for her. What consequences has she faced as a result of her affair?

Has she had any counseling? How do you know it won't happen again?

This isn't your fault. Stop blaming yourself. She needs to take 100% responsibility for her adultery.

If I had an affair and expected or wanted my husband to even tolerate my presence in the home, I imagine I'd have to work very hard indeed. And I'd really need to prove that I really, really wanted the relationship in all facets. Why aren't you expecting that, OP?

You do not have to provide equivalent excitement to that generated by cheating on you. Why would you even imagine that that's your job? It's fine to want to stay in your relationship if that's what you want, but it's certainly not your job to make up the excitement she's missing out on. You aren't depriving her of it.

If I had an affair and expected or wanted my husband to even tolerate my presence in the home, I imagine I'd have to work very hard indeed. And I'd really need to prove that I really, really wanted the relationship in all facets

^^^ couldn't agree more ^^^^^

Have you considered a trial separation?

OP you sound lovely and not deserved of this at all, you didn't 'let' anything happen. She did what she did because she wanted to and I can't help thinking she's not really trying. Some time apart might help really.