To ask if anyone has a DH who treat DDs differently to DSs

[Caipirinha77]

I'm feeling a bit low and confused after this weekend and would appreciate some advice on how to handle this.

DH is 42, I'm 39. Married 14 years and 3 DC - DS1 (13), DS2 (11) and DD (9). I feel bad posting about DH because he's generally a very honest, generous and fair person - very kind and loving towards me. He is very driven with workaholic tendencies, but I can't really complain about that because he was like this when I met him. So he works a lot and also does a lot of sports to unwind, but does make an extra effort to do stuff with the kids when he's here. He's British but of Middle Eastern descent (non - Muslim or any religion particularly).

The problem, in my view, is that his parenting and expectations of our DD is completely different to the way he is with the boys. When I say expectations, it's more that he literally never tells her off and it's as if she can do no wrong. It was one thing when she was very little, but now it's getting ridiculous. It's made worse by the fact he is often away with work and then he seems to over-compensate when he's here. He never says no to her and then I'm left to deal with the increasingly "princess" tendencies when he's gone.

I really don't want to sound mean about our daughter, of course I adore her too, but I just think there need to be some boundaries as she's getting older and DH needs to be consistent with me in this. If I say this to him he just looks at me blankly, or shrugs it off.

This weekend in the car, DD was asking DS2 about homework at "big school" and DS2 said something like you need to do it to get a good job, etc. To my horror, DD said, "Oh yes but if I don't like any jobs I can just get married, can't I daddy". And DH just laughs.

On top of this, I think he can be too strict with the boys and particularly DS1 as he's getting older. He's a lovely dad in so many ways and has given them amazing experiences, but he can be quite critical of them both, about behaviour, school, the sports they do etc, and I can see this. DS1 is now suddenly 6ft and starting to push back against DH a bit. I think this is to be expected to an extent, but DH is having none of it. This weekend they got into a head on and it was quite upsetting. DH won't allow them to have phones at the table. DS1 was texting, DH confiscated his phone. Later, DS1 needed his phone back for homework and it got into a shouting match where I felt DH was being too aggressive and it worries me because this is becoming a pattern.

Sorry about rambling, but it's hard to explain and it's bothering me today.

Are you sure it is because she is a girl and not because she is the baby?

Well no, I can't say I've been in that situ, but aggression, sexism, favouritism and refusing to discuss things with you isn't ideal...

Well he says it's because she's only little etc, but he was never like this with the boys. It's becoming more noticeable as they get older, I suppose.

This would bother me too. Massively. Time for a serious chat OP.

Thanks. I just feel upset because DS has said to me he thinks his dad doesn't like him. I know this isn't true. DH says he's not having them being rude and disrespectful and I should support him.

I can't abide people who go on about children being "disrespectful". Respect is earned and can't be demanded.

If you've already raised this and he just stares at you in confusion I don't know what else you can do. Maybe try again but approaching from a fairness-across-all-three approach rather than separating his treatment of your DD from your DSs?

Well yes, PN exactly. Also, I think DH takes out some of his work frustration and stress on the boys. Last night, I was trying to talk to him about separating out work stress from irritation with DS1. He was just saying he works hard so DS1 can have all the opportunities he has (fair enough) and they should realise this and he's not being disrespected by his son in his own house. Now he's away until Wed night and it feels like a bit of a relief if I'm honest because the tension this weekend has been so bad.

Welcome to middle eastern princess syndrome Every single middle eastern friend I know (from Saudi, UAE, Qatar, Oman, Jordan) spoils their daughters rotten and can do no wrong. One friend said it's because in his culture girls often don't get to see their families after marriage, and so there is a cultural expectation to spoil rotten as a result. Of course now they're in the UK that part of the culture is removed, but the spoiling isn't. At the same time these guys were often really strict on their sons as they were putting all kinds of familial expectations on them.

You could try to balance things out by spoiling the boys a little in the meantime, and when he returns get some private time away from kids to hash this out. If it's causing stress then you have to change things.

Thankyou Daily. Yes I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes with DH, I'm not sure how much is cultural and how much is just him! He's never been physical with the kids, thank god, and yesterday was just shouting in each other's faces but I felt as if I had to intervene because it frightened me that it could have escalated, though maybe it's not fair to say that. I don't know.

In the middle east it would get balanced by society as girls are so restricted, and boys are expected not to spend too much time at home - friends sons usually roam about in shopping malls in their groups from 10 or 11. I think he needs to understand that in the UK things are v different and that you don't like it. if he loves you he owes it to you to try right?

Similar problem in our house with the expectation that she (dd) doesn't have to work hard at school as she will be married off. I see a lot of second generation Iranian families who don't like their daughters/ sisters as they are so spoilt. I feel like screaming its all your fault. It's strange they spoil them when they are just going to be expected to have a life of domestic drudgery.

Thankyou. DH has never actually lived in the Middle East, though still has some family there we see from time to time. His family are fairly liberal actually. I think (hope)! He values DD's education as much as the boys. She's probably the most academic one and he does say he's proud of her, etc. He will be a nightmare when she starts getting boyfriends though. I see that coming, but will deal with that as and when. Usually I can talk him round. I just don't want him to destroy his relationship with the boys by being inflexible and aggressive because yesterday was too much.