How to help DS (STBXH has new "friend")

[Mrdarcyswife]

My first post apart from in food, so i hope I've got the abreviations right.

I split from controlling and emotionally abusive H about 18 months ago & moved with kids back to where I'm from (about an hour away from where we'd lived with H). At time of split H said he would only see the dc every other weekend, so it made sense for me to move back to where I would have support, plus a cheaper area to live in.

STBXH has had a "new friend" (the DC's words) since the summer. She is increasingly there when the DC visit. He has never spoken to me about her or mentioned her. I only know this from DC. They seem to like her, but every weekend when I pick up DC, poor DS (8) is this bundle of anger, hurt and frustration. He is so angry with me that I'm not with his Dad any more. I'm sure some anger and hurt is entirely usual, but rightly or wrongly I think it is worse when the "friend" has been there.

She stayed over this weekend.

DS is desperate to spend time with his dad and I don't know how to help. I'm really worried that if I raise this with H he will quiz and question DS & make him feel really bad. This could put an end to DS telling me anything. STBXH has form for manipulating and twisting situations and I don't want to put DS in the middle of that.

Any ideas on how to help me help my Ds?
TIA

All you can do is listen
Read "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so ..." etc.
Child psychologist recommended it to me. Has some good ideas. You can't change ane or control who your ex sees
All you can do us listen to ds learn reflective listening

I think you need to take his girlfriend out of the equation and work on trying to get to the bottom of your DS's anger, regarding the split.

Perhaps try to look back at what (if anything) you and your ex could have done/said/handled better, and see if there's anything there that needs focus.

Some kids do feel angry and resentful when their parents split, whether new partners are on the scene or not.

Have you sat him down and talked to him, about what's upsetting him the most?

Could he be worried/upset about Christmas? Is it the first one since the split?

Ahh, just realised it'll be the second Christmas since the split.

What are the plans? Is he happy with them?

Is he happy with his bedroom/sleeping arrangements at his Dad's house?

Sometimes the tiniest things (or tiny to us) can make them the most insecure/upset.

Thank you
Cest I've heard that recommended before, I'll take a look

Worra You are right DS had a lot of anger last year and we worked through it then. This could be more of the same and I'm trying not to make assumptions about the girlfriend, which is one reason why I posted. It's our 2nd Xmas, but last years was pretty grim, so that could be part of it. I think there may be is an element of end of term/ Christmas/ everything just feeling too much.

I do try and talk to him, I explain that it's ok to feel angry, but can't get to the bottom of what is upsetting him most

Cross post
We tried to have Xmas together last year. It was a disaster so two separate ones this year. I know he understands why, even if he's prefer we could all be together.

I'll keep trying with the talking
Thank you for your posts. It's helping me see the bigger picture and realise maybe I just need to let him be angry until he can explain why .

Sorry that came out wrong.
I don't mean just leave him feeling angry, but to help him work through it like we did before and try to help him understand these huge emotions

I know exactly what you meant OP

It's not easy is it? Perhaps at this point even your DS might not be able to put his finger on it.

But it does get easier, so hang in there.

Do you think it might help for him to discuss it with a third party? It might be there are things he feels he can't tell either of you. My DS sees a child psychologist. It's helped. It might also be he's letting out the anger with you because he feels safer with you, but still can't really verbalise what upsets or worries him. I'm currently working through a whole heap of upset with my young DD, after a week-long visit to newly remarried abusive ex a few weeks ago. She who previously seemed OK has been very trying since. It's really tough. not very useful but I totally sympathise.

Maybe he's starting to realise that you two aren't getting back together which is why its reared up again?

Yes to seeing therapist if it gets too much.
Was useful for dd. There are techniques to get to the heart of what they feeling which is not straight to direct questions.
Rather than asking "are you upset about xmas"you could say something like "what would your best Xmas be like?
Then if he says all of us together etc you can say it isn't possible but we could do. ...
Or ask him to come up with ideas how you will spend the day which dvd to watch what to eat etc

Good suggestions on here. Well done for realising that it would be counterproductive to raise this with STBXH.

When things were unsettled in the past, post-split, my dc found transition back to home really difficult. It may not be directly related to the new gf.

Keep the lines of communication open as per these suggestions.

You sound like you're doing a great job

Thank you all for taking the time to post.
It is so helpful to have an outside perspective from people who understand.

There is really great advice here, so I'll keep talking when he wants to and not assume that it is all about the girl friend.

Thanks again and to all those who have been through this