Thinking of going low contact with my Mum

[KittensWithWeapons]

My Mum has always been a bit weird with me. On the one hand treats me like I'm her best friend and offloads (often inappropriately) on me. Starting when I was 12 and she cried on my shoulder because the man she was having an affair with dumped her. On the other, she takes out all her moods and frustrations on me.

It's gotten so much worse lately. She's become highly demanding (DP and I are doing well if we have one day a week that we're not bringing her places) and very manipulative. An example being, Nan was in hospital for a fairly long stint recently. We brought her to visit every night. After weeks of this, DP and I wanted a night to ourselves, so I said that I wouldn't be visiting that night. Lots of sighing and 'oh, poor Nana won't have any visitors tonight'. So I was guilted into going. This weekend she did some extreme manipulation, which almost resulted in my sister and I having a row.

She puts me down and belittles me constantly. I've returned to education this year, and every time I mention it she acts like she's never heard about it before 'oh you're back at college, since when? '. I was diagnosed with a fairly serious medical condition a few years ago, and again, any time I mention it she pretends it's the first time she's ever heard about it, as in 'oh, you have xxxx? Since when?' I was hospitalised twice over the summer. She visited once.

She bitches about me to my DP - when he gave her a lift home from work recently she spent the whole time quizzing him as to what I do, if he hates 'providing' for me (he's happy with the current set up, I supported him when he was establishing his career, and he frequently says that now it's my turn) and do I have his dinner on the table every evening?

The meanest thing she does though, is belittle me in front of my sisters. She's like a teenager playing up for the 'cool girls'. For example, she needs monthly injections which can be self-administered. She's too squeamish to do them, so I suggested that her practice nurse could show me how to do them. She thought it was a brilliant idea. Until the topic came up around my sisters. At which point she scoffed 'yeah, as if I'd let kittens inject me, no way'. Then a week later, when my sisters weren't around, she again asked me if I'd be willing to do it. She basically makes me out to be an idiot in front of my sisters, takes the piss out of me endlessly.

Sorry, it's very long. I love her, and clearly she's had some shite in her life that made her the way she is. But her treatment of me is having a serious affect on my mental health. I'm starting to think that I really need to cut back on my time with her, for the sake of my mental wellbeing. Also, it can't be good for my and DP's relationship. We never get to spend a lazy weekend morning in bed because we're always entertaining Mum. I know there will be a serious backlash from my sisters though, because if we're not looking after her, they might have to, and they'd really hate that. So we'll be the worst ever for trying to get some space. I fully anticipate calls from my sisters telling me I'm being a mean, selfish bitch (this happened the last time I tried to get some space). How do I go about getting the space that I so badly need?

You do it by taking the space you need and you do your best not to care about the backlash. It's hard, but you have to work out how you think you deserve to be treated, and accept nothing less. They can call you whatever they like in an attempt to bring you back into line, but they have no power if you just don't care what they think of you.

Like above I decided that I didn't deserve to be treated like that and everytime she made a comment I went thought it in my mind,. It was a wierd sort pf practice and self training. Asking myself questions like do I deserve this, what is she trying to do, what is she hoping to achieve. I went from automatically feeling bad everytime she acted up, to anger, to irritated but seeing her as silly. Now when she scoffs at me it doesnt make me immediately doubt myself and try to placate her. I do have the understanding of my siblings which does help.

Is there any reason why your mum needs so much help? Does she have ill health or can't drive?

You could try practicong at the weekend, tell her that you are busy and put your phone to silent and log onto your email less, hide posts on fb. If your sisters have a go think about it in the same way, do I deserve this, whatbare they trying to do? Then what will really happen if I don't change my actions to make them happy? Honestly what are your sisters actually going to be able to do about it? Disapprove? Well they will do that anyway. Come up with a few brushing off retorts for them if they try to question your time or imply that you are selfish.

My mother is very similar OP - used me as a counsellor from about age 11, often took delight in humiliating me in front of others, expected to be taken care of and babysat by adult children. Your description of being like a teenager playing up to the cool girls is spot on! And she has had a hugely negative impact on my mental health too.

No matter how old you are, you still crave your mum's love and approval. The thing with people like this is that nothing is ever good enough. There will always be guilt trips, moaning and martyrdom no matter what you do. It is not up to you to create happiness or a sense of purpose in your mother's life, especially since she treats you so horribly when you do try to help her out.

It helps me to think of my mother as a child, because that's what she is emotionally. She is incapable of being a parent to me. I know that I have to protect myself from her manipulation and so I have worked very hard on detaching from her. I have had professional support with this (therapy) which I would recommend very highly. You need to learn to put yourself first OP - it's not easy but like any skill, gets easier with practice

I would do it no question. My mother was similar, I went to uni, got a degree & a good job in healthcare.

But, my sil got promoted to manager in a shop & that was much better & was all she talked about.

She also constantly compared me to my siblings. I might be intelligent but my sister was prettier & my brother played football. She also compared our kids & if I'd had good reports at a parents evening, she'd start with but X's child has done this.

It got wearing & upsetting. I went low contact & got guilted, siblings reacted badly etc. So, now I'm no contact & have been for 5 years. I feel like a weights been lifted. My mental health had started to suffer, as had my self esteem. DH hated it but it was my decision to stop it in the end.

Didn't want to read and run but I know how this feels and going no/low contact with my parents has had a huge positive effect on my life, health and relationships. You have to do it as it would seem your Mother won't understand a word of what you're saying here. It's tough to initiate and can lead to confrontations so prepare yourself for that but you and DP should stand firm together. Good luck xx

I'm not sure what arguments your sisters put up as to why you should care for your mother while they don't. Your DP sounds like a saint to put up with her being around all the time and even doing some of the looking after himself.

It really sounds like you need to put your DP and you first for a while. Your DM has done a really good job of training you up to be her carer by constantly putting you down and undermining your efforts at establishing a future for yourself by going to college.

A normal, loving, supportive parent would be concerned about your illness, interested and encouraging about your course and grateful for any help you have provided. The fact that your mother does none of those things suggests that she has a deeply held belief that you exist just to support her. She is using manipulation, scorn and guilt to hold you there. Please don't let her continue to use you in this way. I would go low contact or even no contact for a while. Develop some strategies for how to deal with her poor treatment of you. For example, if she complains about you not doing enough, say that you have done x, y and z and x sister can help now. If she says they are too busy with children, fancy job etc, say, I am too busy with DP, my course, my illness etc. If she continues to complain, criticise etc, just say, mum, I'm not going to talk about this any more and just leave.
If she says, oh I didn't know you were doing a course, just say, mum, I have told you this several times. Please don't pretend you don't know about it.

Good luck OP. You deserve so much more.

I'm not sure what arguments your sisters put up as to why you should care for your mother while they don't.

See, with toxic families any arguments they put forward don't usually make any sense. So you could reason until you're blue in the face, it won't go anywhere.

The family script is: you're a dog /an idiot /stupid /selfish etc etc

Pippin8 we must have the same mother!

Sorry to read this Op. I think you need a break from her, can you start to slowly detach yourself? Gradually see and speak to her less each week and start by having a weekend off from her. You owe it to yourself. Its hard, but if you do it slowly it will be less stressful. Take care x