I'm posting here as have shared my story before and received amazing support.
I was sexually abused on several occasions by my stepdad when I was young (he married mum when I was 5). Then from the ages 16-19 he sexually harassed while I still lived at home. This included standing in his bedroom door way totally naked, masturbating as I walked by. He also offered me money for sex and would 'talk dirty' at me through my bedroom wall when mum was either out or downstairs. On occasion he would try and come into my room (which was always barricaded) masturbating. He'd leave sex toys out for me and, as I had Sky TV in my room, would go in when I was out and turn the porn channels on so that I'd see porn when I switched my TV on. He grabbed my bum and crotch a few times too. After 3 years of this, mum found out when she saw him grab my bum in the kitchen one day. She confronted him and he told her he'd been trying it on with me. He told her it had been going on six months. When she told me she knew, I corrected her and said it was 3 years. I told her a lot of what he had done, but I can't recollect 100% which bits I divulged. I didn't tell her about the stuff in my childhood as I didn't want to upset her too much. The relief of her knowing - and more importantly that it was bound to stop - was immense, she said she was going to leave him and that we'd get a house together.
She never left him. They moved abroad together not long after. I never told the police, it was never suggested by her and we rarely spoke of it until I had DD 3 years ago. Up until that point mum very much tried to force a father/daughter relationship onto us. She made me let him give me away at my wedding blessing which ruined my day completely. She would pretend nothing bad had happened, and would always insist I got him a lovely birthday card - she promised she'd buy my wedding dress but refused to fork out for it unless I got him a birthday present. When DD was born she got cards and embroidered teddies from "gran and grandad" (they all got binned) and waffled on about how he couldn't wait to meet her.
When DD was 3 months old I wrote mum an email saying he'd never meet her, how I wanted her to stop this nonsense of pretending nothing happened and how hurt I am that she swept it all under the carpet. She had a 'suspected heart attack' that day and never told him about this email. He's never met DD. Once they came to visit and waited together in town for me. I thought I was just meeting her but I suspected he was there and when she confirmed he was, i turned round and went home.
About a year ago she left him. Not because of me (or the many affairs he's had, one when he was 40 and his mistress was 16, another when he fathered a child to his other mistress) but because he said "you're turning into your mother". This was enough to make her pack her bags and come back to the UK. I took the opportunity to tell her about my childhood and the sexual abuse. She was upset (but told me I was silly not to tell her), but a week later was back with him. She promised me she'd ask him why he did all he did, as I feel I need answers. She never has. She basically made it about her, how awful it is for her and she can't cope. She's seeing a therapist but she hasn't told him about her husband, only about how much she hated her own mum. She basically doesn't give a fuck what I went through. Shen has never asked how I feel about it. It's about her feelings.
Anyway, for a long time DH has asked me to face my demons one way or another. Be it confront mum and stepdad and get answers, or go to the police and report him (I'm now 30 BTW). I've been reading self help books which have been a great help.
So today I went to paperchase and bought a nice journal (I know it's daft but I wanted a nice one for this task) where I've started to write down what I remember, how it makes me feel, and also letters to both of them. It doesn't matter that they'll probably never read them. I hope one day to be able to go to the police and use the journal to help me file a report. I feel I have so many feelings and memories that I need to put them somewhere.
Mum has been visiting, and stayed at my grandads nearby (who I'm close to). This is the last time I'll see her before going NC for good. Once I've finished my journal I'm going to write to her to tell her how I feel about it all. I don't care to write to him - he is evil and I accept there are bad men in the world, but she has failed me in a whole other way that no mum ever should. I'm not telling her I'm going to the police. But I can't pretend any more that all is hunky dory. I can't tiptoe around her feelings because she doesn't want to face the truth (every time I try and bring it up she tells me to stop talking as she can't cope hearing about it). I owe them nothing, protecting him has done nothing but be detrimental for me and I'm stopping today.
I have 6 weeks until DC2 is born, 5 weeks of which I'm on maternity leave so I'm using the time to concentrate on this before baby takes over my life and I'm too busy! The journal is step one in what is hopefully a journey to justice.
Sorry to waffle on anyway, I just had to say it as I feel proud of myself for getting this far. It wasn't that long ago where I desperately suppressed my memories and to actually face them in this little way is a big step for me. I've done about 10 pages, I'll admit it's fucking awful writing it down but I'm thrilled that I'm able to do it! Another thing I'm doing on Friday (DH has taken the day off and is coming with me for support) is telling my grandad - mum's dad - everything. I have very little family left, my own father is dead and my grandad is a huge pillar of support. Just him knowing will mean a lot to me. I don't want to upset him but if I'm going to do this it's the only fair way. Mum will never ever forgive me for telling him - but I don't care any more.