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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do you resolve major differences, or are they unresolvable?

2 replies

newmumwithquestions · 04/12/2016 23:00

I like change more than OH. Ive travelled more, changed jobs more, moved more, would love to give working abroad a go, etc. He's more traditionally 'stable'.

Neither outlook is right or wrong of course. But the difference does cause problems. Often we make a great couple as we compliment each other. But in my low times I feel trapped and unable to satisfy my urge to just get on and do things.

I think the default in life is always to stick with the status quo (ie if you want to change something both parties have to agree) and that means I feel like I'm always compromising and he's not.

We're outgrowing our house, now have kids and would really benefit with a bit more room. We both agree on that.
We're not going to be able to move locally for the foreseeable future as we're in an expensive area and can't afford the next step up. Today I mentioned an area I'd be interested in moving to (could be doable with work). He snapped back and it resulted in him saying he never wanted to leave the area we live in. Ever.

Where we live is OK, but its certainly not where I want to spend the rest of my life. He knows that there are things that make me unhappy (I'm far more outdoorsy and hate hearing traffic noise). We could afford a bigger house in a cheaper (but IMO nicer) area but he won't consider it as he has friends here.

Just feels like we're pulling in different directions and we're never going to agree.

OP posts:
StiffenedPleat · 05/12/2016 03:06

Your DH feels he has majority power over your family decision making. Please disabuse him of this immediately. And tell him never to stamp on your hopes and dreams again.

Dowser · 05/12/2016 09:10

I honestly don't know how to answer this. I feel like I'm mirroring your stuck position.
I'm not a great one for change so I could be a bit more like your husband.
I would be scared to move in case I hated the new house more. So, I can equate a lot of fear in those decisions and where to live is a huge, major decision but like you I hate traffic noise and though I live in a town I'm in a qu cul de sac that is shielded from that.
Do you think it's fear? Fear of the unknown. After all life is a risky business.

His fear made him snap at you after all you are threatening his status quo, the thing that keeps him safe.

Maybe some counselling for you both could help unravel what is gong on . After all moving just for the hell of it in his world might not be such a good idea but moving to have a bigger home for the children away from heavy traffic could be more therapeutic for you all.

I always wanted to move to a bigger house when the children came along but my exh didn't want the burden of a bigger mortgage. I'm glad we didn't. This house has been very beneficial for us.( we actually extended it )

That won't suit everyone though. I think his fear is coming through as anger and that is what you need to tackle in a non judgmental way.

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