Help, can't stop thinking about my ex from 15 yrs ago!!

[sunnymum77]

I'm married (happily), but recently a photo of my first boyfriend flashed up on my Facebook newsfeed. I hadn't given him a thought since we broke up at Uni, but I was intrigued to see how he looked now and photos of his family, and then I started remembering all the nice and funny times we had together, and how special it was being "first loves". It's really hard to get him out of my head now and weird as we work near to each other so I keep thinking/hoping that we'd bump into each other. I'd really like to get in touch with him but not for anything more sinister than to say hi and just have a chat. There is no way that I'd contact him as that would open a can of worms, but I'm finding it hard to get him out of my head now!! What should I do?

I think you're maybe just seeking something else that the ex represents. Has your marriage been lacking in affectionate moments recently? I'm not placing blame just giving you something to contemplate

As for the practicalities I wouldn't get in contact with this person and I'd 'mute' him on Facebook. I too have had the experience of seeing an ex through rose tinted glasses when I've actually been having niggles in a current relationship

Leave this sleeping dog in its slumber !

There's a reason you broke up. He probably brings back fun and carefree uni memories. I've got a few exes as fb friends and at first it does bring back memories but soon you forget that and you just consider them as old friends.

Thanks all, I agree! Do you know how to block on Facebook...we have a couple of mutual friends so he came up as a tag, but otherwise i haven't heard anything about him or seen him for this long! Being married for 10 yrs and juggling work and children is clearly not as care free as those uni days...thanks

If you go on his profile you should be able to block him from there

Also I think you have done the right thing

I sometimes have the same issue with my ex from 7-8 years ago. At first it was really raw and every day, even though I broke up with him to be with the man who is now my DH. Only in the last couple of years it has worn off but I do still think of that overpowering love every time certain songs come on the radio or the mood strikes me.

How long was your relationship with this guy? With mine it was less than a year so thinking about it rationally, I probably never got past the infatuation phase, whereas in a proper long term relationship with a spouse that passion dies down after a year or so and turns into a solid attachment. So looking back on it, it felt like he was 'the one' when in reality it was just lust/infatuation!

Glad I'm not the only one. On and off, I've been thinking about an ex for longer than the damn relationship with him lasted which, as TotalNameChange says, is probably precisely why I still think of him. The relationship was a rebound and lasted about a year. I was still in the infatuation phase, and because he was Silent Treatment type, we had no real discussion about the end of the relationship and so I struggled to get closure.

I have to say I've noticed that the obsessiveness of my thoughts about him correlate precisely with how bored I am at the time. Another influencing factor is that my current relationship is not as high-intensity as the one with the ex was. That's a good thing, but my crazy brain sometimes obsesses and tells me I need to work out what went wrong with me and my "one true love". It's just my brain working against me though. Usually if I find something absorbing to do I forget about it.

Blocking is a good idea. As is a new hobby.

I've just blocked my significant ex.

He was lovely, we broke up as I left town to live at the other end of the country for work. We met again some years later, feelings were still there but long story short we were both in other relationships at that time. I've thought about him a lot throughout the years.

Anyway, he contacted me out of the blue 20 years later on FB saying he thinks about me and would like to meet up over a number of short messages, when I replied....nothing. No reply from him. Silence. Then he did the same again after months of no contact.

I felt confused, totally stirred up, and decided it wasn't healthy or ok to be waiting for a message from him. Having contact with him stirred up a lot of fantasy. Nothing grounded in reality.

I know I was particularly vulnerable to feeling confused and needy about his contact because I'm going through a very difficult time and separating from my long term relationship and the fantasy of seeing my ex felt like a powerful (but unreal) escape route.

Blocking is my only way of feeling some control and putting myself firmly back in the here and now as shit as it is.

It was over 2 years, and I was so young that I felt I couldn't commit then...he then married the next girl who came along but emailed me when he heard that I'd got engaged and even once after he was married and he'd seen me out at the same place...that was 11yrs ago. We've both had chikdren and moved on now, but I do wonder whether he ever thought about me again too...he looks very happy and probably relieved he didn't end up with me :) he has 3 kids and I have 2...so he's probably thinking he did better off!

It is hard though with Facebook etc as people post pictures of their perfect lives and life isn't always like that.

Btw, we're not Facebook friends, and he has never tried to contact me on there, so i don't think there's a way to block him. We just have a couple of mutual friends which is how his photo came up...

SomethingSimple - that sounds like he is playing with your emotions and trying to pick you up again because something is lacking in his relationship, but then not following through (either because scared to or his situation has resolved). It is easy to think the grass is greener if we're going through a hard time ourselves...and miss that feeling. The last thing I remember him saying when broke up was that no one would ever love me as much as he did. Quite a big thing to give up someone loving you so much, and I think that if I'd been a bit older and wiser I might have appreciated him more.
But that's life!

I had a relationship with someone 20 years ago. Have thought about him a few times, but had a dream about him a few nights ago and now I can’t stop thinking about him. I have been single for 10 years now, so obviously lacking in affection. I really need to see him again, but I can’t remember his surname and I have no idea where he is! Aaarrrgh!!!

Just had a fling (affair) with a guy I was seeing over 25 years ago. Chemistry was still there, but I'm so glad we didn't marry, he's just as boring as he was!

I all of a sudden have been thinking of my ex from ages ago. I am still single and he got married. He was abusive at times so really do not understand my thinking of him all of a sudden.

I got back in contact with an old ex (or rather he did with me) a couple of years ago. It opened up a whole can of worms which left lasting effects for well over a year.

Nothing happened but I spent way too much of my time thinking about him. He wanted to meet up and I refused. I'm glad I did. My advice is to not make contact. My memories all seem tainted now.

Was your ex abusive while you were in the relationship?

Hi great chat here about thinking about an ex thanks for sharing.

During lockdown (it may be cabin fever) but I really started to think about an ex lover too that I met at Uni - 25 years ago. It was almost like I was falling in love with him like it was yesterday and remembering being young with excitement.

Though I wouldn’t want to be a poor student again and live in an awful bedsit. I am very grateful for working my socks off to enjoy my lifestyle now.

I have been thinking about him over the years whether the relationship could off been better if I had my wise current mindset. Regret is so disempowering and really has no purpose apart from putting one back not the right path of gratitude.

I too completely forgot his surname and had to do a bit of research to find it. I was reminiscent from looking at our uni photo and also remembering the best bits through rose-tinted eyes. I wasn't my best at the time (so many insecurities) and would often push him away which I regretted. I could never find him on social and would revert thinking about our intimate moments when I was bored or single (as I am again now). We met a few times afterwards but I rejected him the last time as I couldn't cope with his hot and cold personality. I didn't understand it at the time - I once saw him walking down the street and hid as I had moved on - new career, new look and new love interest. He still looked the same and I was very judgemental about him. I again regretted this thinking should I have said hello and had proper closure.

After a bit of investigating I found him on an art site and the company gave him my email ( I said I had a question about his art work). To my shock he emailed me and found me on LinkedIn - contacted me straightway and gave me his number. I don't think he remembered me. I felt guilty and was embarrassed at the same time - of interfering in his life for no reason. He had aged quite a bit and I didn't find him that attractive. I never replied and deleted his email and LinkedIn message.

To be honest he had changed his blond hair to dark brown and 1st name. If he walked past me I wouldn't even recognise him. The whole experience was a bit painful, odd and weird. I practice a lot of self-development to enhance my compassion. This episode went against everything I have been practising. I think looking back is a signal that something is lacking in one's life and moving forward is always the best way of growing as people. Eventually I will look back at this and grow from the experience even more. Lockdown has been challenging on everyone's mental health. I am grateful for the great family and friends I have. I am also lucky I have not lost anyone in this terrible pandemic. In conclusion it's ok to have some insecurities and do a few kooky things especially during the last year. We live in unpresidential crazy times. Fundamentally, if I want a new relationship that adds value to my life and journey then it has to be from the present and future - not the past. Thanks everyone it is very therapeutic sharing and take care x

My DH reconnected with his “first love” over the first lockdown. Boredom was his excuse. It didn’t end well but we are moving on from this episode. I think you really have to consider the implications before contacting someone from your past.
Rose tinted glasses are a dangerous accessory.

@Teer16 Well done to your ex for being a guy with integrity and respecting his marriage and family and cutting off all contact with you. Bluntly, you need to do the same and move on. You messed him about and he found a woman who was straightforward, loved him more, and wanted the same things i.e. marriage and family, that he did.They're a much better match than you and him.

You're now starting to mess up your marriage by choosing to fixate on another married man. The more you allow yourself to ruminate, the more it will damage your own marriage. Seek counselling to get to the root of your issues

*much better match