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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel sick even writing this down

44 replies

Embarassed86 · 04/12/2016 21:08

I have been married for almost 10 years and we have 3 dc's

Things are not as they should be with me and dh, we haven't had a good sex life for the last 7 years really since dc2 was born.

I have been googling and feel around this time when I had 2 young children to look after and was suffering with pnd I have most likely developed an aversion to sex due to pressures from dh for sex when I have not wanted it.

Despite the aversion we did continue to have sex, albeit infrequently, and dh continued to express his displeasure in the frequency even though I tried to explain to him that this nagging pushed me further away.

When dc3 was around 8 weeks old (around 3 years after I feel the aversion began) dh went out with friends drinking for his birthday. We had agreed that dh wouldn't sleep in our bed that night as dc3 was cosleeping and dh was drunk. Dh's male friend was also sleeping over that night in the spare room directly above our room and dh was going to sleep on an airbed in dc1 and 2's bedroom. I heard them come in and heard 2 people go into the spare room then heard quite laughing and talkingmaybe kissing. I presumed dh's friend had brought someone home so went to find dh,

I'm waffling now any way long story short, I found dh in bed with his friend. I dont really know what was going on but i told dh he needed ti go to bed and he did. I tried to talk to dh about this the next day and he said he didn't remember the night before I felt hurt and betrayed and lots of other emotions but I did not want to break our family up so didn't really say anything else about it. We didn't have any sexual contact for a long while but carried on as normal other than that.

Fast forward almost 4 years and things are now just strange. We have had sex in the last 4 years but probably no more than 6 or 7 times. I know this isn't normal and can understand my dh's frustration but I just don't want sex. Although I do want to want it if that makes sense. I want more than anything to stay together and to be happy again. I have suggested counceling to dh but I'm not even convinced this will make me forgive and forget that night.......

I don't really know what I want anyone to reply saying I just needed to get this all out and it isn't something I would want any of my friends or family to know

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 04/12/2016 22:53

I think you are focusing so much on something your not sure even happened years ago to excuse the fact that you don't want to sleep with your husband, which you didn't want before the 'incident'.

^ This ^

Benedikte2 · 04/12/2016 22:58

OP try to see a woman GP you feel comfortable with and explain your aversion to sex and ask for help. No need to tell her about the incident re DH at this point. There is treatment available as well as counselling. Counselling may take a while to get but the treatment should be immediate unless you need further investigation or maybe a referral to a specialist.
The fact that you want to overcome your negative feelings is very positive.
Good luck

Justaboy · 04/12/2016 23:02

So your "convicting" him on what sounded like a kiss?. Is that fair on him?.

A time ago I once shared bed with a mate we both were well hammered as well and we joked about it and what gay men do and neither of us fancied kissing a man let alone anal sex! A very good mate of mine is gay and FWIW i do not want to or have desired to have sex with him in any way shape or form. 100% hetro thanks:)

I think there are other long standing issues here probably he has give up on sex because of that incident the frequency that your DTD is almost non existent it ain't happy for him or you. Can only suggest that both of you see a sex therapist or counsellor to see if this can be sorted else perhaps you might just split up and have done with it. Sorry.

wtffgs · 04/12/2016 23:05

Well the phrase "men who have sex with men" exists for a reason. Generally, straight men will have sex with other men because it is easier to find sexual release that way than with women.

Anyway, whatever he did or didn't do, it sounds like an unhappy existence for you now. What would you like 2017 to look like? What do you want, if anything, from your marriage?

TBH that particular friend is irrelevant. If your H is looking for sex elsewhere the he will continue to do that. I think you know what you heard and you have to decide how you feel about him being openly sexual with another person (the gender is irrelevant) while you were with in earshot. I think it's LTB territory but you have your own mind and your own parameters.

FromAtoB · 04/12/2016 23:06

Trust your gut, OP.

Justaboy · 04/12/2016 23:13

wtffgs Where did you get that idea from that generally men will have sex with men as its an easier outlet than with a woman?

I don't think so at all!

humphreyandlinnea · 04/12/2016 23:28

Your feelings seem very confused.

I don't know how big a part the perhaps-kissing incident plays in your lack of sex life now. Do you think the lack of sex would still be a problem if it hadn't happened?

You sound a bit angry with him over this issue. Is it frustrating for you that your sex drives are so mismatched at the moment? Is it frustrating that you know something happened that night but have never been able to move on/forgive because he won't admit to it?

What if he really can't remember though.

I had a friend who was in a similar position to you. Her husband had a drunken fumble with another man after a long period of lusting after him. Apart from the obviously massive betrayal of trust and pain as a result of that, it was also difficult for her to think that her husband could be attracted to a guy. It brought up anti-gay prejudice within herself that she hadn't realised existed and became a (painful) learning opportunity. Ultimately, she conveyed the impression to me what she and her husband had was not worth losing over a drunken fumble. That was her choice and might not be right for everyone.

Perhaps this isn't a very popular thing to say but I feel my marriage vows were partly about meeting (to the extent that I feel I can) my partner's sexual needs in the context of a loving, sexual, shared relationship. As much as own husband would be gutted at the thought of having sex with someone who didn't want it, I do feel a responsibility to try and stay in a mental and emotional place where I'm open to it, if that's possible. Sometimes it has been very hard.

Original poster

Embarassed86 · 04/12/2016 23:34

I really can't think say if things sexually would still be like this if that night hadn't happened. I just don't know maybe I would have felt in a better place to seek help or to try and work things out on our own who knows

And again I'll never know if he genuinely doesn't remember that night or if he is lying to me.

I do feel frustrated that I don't want to have sex with him I want to want it but don't have a clue how to make that happen

OP posts:

ThPrincess · 05/12/2016 01:31

a male doing sexual things with another male DOES make them gay.

Having this thought that you can run around doing stuff with the same sex and claiming straight is why gay men marry women and then end up in beds kissing their friends

Straight men do not do anything sexual with another man. Its not hard to understand this. Key word is STRAIGHT.
Its your choice if you want to stay with your bisexual husband but he needs to tell you the truth which you already know despite trying to sugar coat it.

ThPrincess · 05/12/2016 01:34

Well the phrase "men who have sex with men" exists for a reason. Generally, straight men will have sex with other men because it is easier to find sexual release that way than with women.

LOL at this Bullshit! This is what encourages people to hide in the closet and delude themselves that they are something they are not whilst hurting others in the process.

SallyVating · 05/12/2016 04:34

I'm not going to be helpful to the op unfortunately but I get where she's coming from and have huge empathy for her.

I have a number of gay friends and they have all had experiences of various straight friends sometimes married or in relationships wanting to have sex with them. It's not unusual I'm sorry to say.

Cats1ife · 05/12/2016 06:31

OP - I think if your husband was gay or had interest in men you would have picked up on this after all these years and you would have a gut feeling. This incident sounds a bit random. Are you sure your DH wasn't just off his face and automatically went to go to bed in the spare room, then thought it was funny his friend was there too? Couldn't you tell by his reaction the next morning if anything was likely to have happened. If I suggested to my DH he had kissed a man he would look at me as though I was on a different planet! Maybe the friend kissed him and your DH is unsure / embarrassed? Also kissing is a strange thing to be able to "hear" I think. What was the friend like in the morning?

Don't blame yourself for your lack of sex drive. Don't blame your DH either. It sounds hormonal. What do you do for yourself because it's so easy to lose your sense of self when you have 3 young DC. I felt a bit like you after our third and I think it's very common. Do you do any physical exercise or take time out from the kids in any way? It took me almost a year after each DC to find the energy or will to start running and dance again but it did wonders for my energy levels, psychological state and libido. Of course, it doesn't need to be running, but just something. Your libido will come when you feel good about yourself.

wtffgs · 05/12/2016 06:52

http://bilerico.lgbtqnation.com/2011/10/why doostraight guysshave sexxwithmen.php It is a recognised phenomenon.

Once again, I think OP's issues are not about sexual orientation, but trust.

BertieBotts · 05/12/2016 06:53

MSM doesn't mean that. It exists as a phrase because sexuality is complicated and because many men who have sex with men don't see themselves as gay/bi, which means they end up out of the reach targeted health services aimed at gay and bisexual men.

OP: read this. www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00V58R0ZE/

WouldHave · 05/12/2016 07:04

I don't understand why people are assuming that OP's husband did anything sexual with his friend. The one and only piece of evidence is that OP heard a sound that she thought might be kissing. It's hardly conclusive, is it?

Original poster

Embarassed86 · 05/12/2016 07:37

Thank you to everyone who has replied I genuinely don't think he is gay wtffgs I think your right it's a trust thing if he did kiss this friend how can I trust him, with anyone not just women......it's like a whole other minefield now.......

Princess I don't feel that what your saying is true.....is every women who has kissed a women also hay then? As I feel this happens a lot often as a one off incident never to be repeated but it seems it is accepted as the norm

OP posts:

Isetan · 05/12/2016 07:54

Your H could be lying but if all your evidence is based on 'hearing something' late at night and your H drunkenly climbing into bed with a friend then it does seem like an almighty stretch.

This sounds like a miserable existence for you both but it does sound like what you think you heard is probably a convenient excuse to explain your current feelings to a pre-existing problem.

I completely went off sex with an Ex and despite wanting to, when we finally did It felt like an out of body experience. It wasn't until after we broke up that it became clear that I no longer trusted him or had any confidence in our relationship (no infidelity as far as I am aware but if there was, it wouldn't have been a shock). We had in our different ways detached from each other and me forcing myself to have sex with him was a desperate attempt to reconnect by giving him something that he obviously wanted but it only served to illuminate our divide because I wanted emotional intimacy and that wasn't on offer.

Time to find a therapist to help you unravel the real reasons behind your aversion to sex with your H.

SandyY2K · 05/12/2016 08:11

Where did you get that idea from that generally men will have sex with men as its an easier outlet than with a woman?

^^
I don't agree with this either. Doesn't really make much sense.

I would go along with your husband being drunk and not remembering ... because nobody in their right mind would do this, with their wife and 3 kids in the house.

I'm not one to get drunk, but I do know people who have blacked out or done things they can't remember while drunk.

It's pretty much a sexless marriage as you said OP. You need to look at getting help with your sexual aversion or consider how else to resolve the situation.

Ignoring it won't help. It will feel like constant rejection and he's going to loose the desire to want to have sex with you, if he hasn't already.

I understand what you mean about wanting to want it though. I totally get you on that point, because I want to want it more than I do. But we're still regular.

humphreyandlinnea · 05/12/2016 09:41

princess

I disagree with you. It's often not as simple as gay or straight. We are all on a spectrum and some people could go both ways.

You seem to be rather aggressively and condescending pushing an agenda for reasons that have nothing to do with the thread.

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