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Relationships

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Original poster

If you've moved your dp in with you and your children, please can you come and tell me about it?

22 replies

DeborahGrantham · 04/12/2016 19:54

I'm not yet moving in with my dp, but we're kind of talking about it.

If it i happens, I really want it to work, but can see that it's full of pitfalls. A couple of questions:

Does your dp give you any money? Mine would be saving quite a lot by not paying rent anymore. The only costs that would really increase are food and council tax, but should he not contribute more? What's a fair amount? He wants security of tenure of some kind, but I don't want to be mean.

We're clear he's not the children's father. They have one of those and I'm not looking for anyone to do parenting. But I'm unclear how much of the household activities he would be involved in? e.g does your dp help you with child related tasks (their washing, cooking etc). Dp has just sat down reading the paper while I cooked tomorrow's dinner and I feel slightly resentful that I was rushing around while he was sitting down. Having said that if he was in his flat rather than my house, I'd be doing all of this stuff on my own. For his part he's said that he's also unsure of what his role would be if he lived in - neither of us have done this before (Is there a book we can read?!).

I'm starting to think that I'd be mad to give up my freedom for him to move in, but I do love spending time with him.

OP posts:

Hassled · 04/12/2016 20:00

In my case I and my 2 DCs moved in to the house DP (now DH) already lived in, so I suppose the dynamics were a bit different. It was awkward at first - neither of us wanting to do the wrong thing or to expect too much. He was always very hands on with homework and playing with lego and reading stories - that sort of thing - while I gravitated towards the cooking/cleaning (I suppose because I felt responsible for 3 of us, rather than the 1 of him). It took time to feel "normal" - but we went on to have more kids together and then it was easier. Would it be easier if you got a new place together or is that unworkable?

user1471518295 · 04/12/2016 20:07

I would expect him to be involved in family life. If he is already sitting down and letting you do everything, it is not going to get any better unless you tell him now that you come as a family unit and he takes all of you or none of you (including the associated responsibilities!)

ClassmateHB · 04/12/2016 20:10

I'm interested to read responses here! DP and I have been together three years, and are yet to make this move. Lots of reasons with the children, work, finances, but we stay equally at each others places (couple of days a week) and the dynamics are different at each house! I'm not sure when we will take the plunge, but I'm desperate for it to go smoothly.......

Original poster

DeborahGrantham · 04/12/2016 20:11

yes I think it would be easier if we got a new place, but we can't do that until his ex-marital home can be sold in a couple of years. I would want him to feel at home in my house, but don't want to feel resentful that I have an additional person to look after. (I should say, he's brilliant at cooking for me and the children and playing/talking to them, but doesn't particularly want to do the drudgery associated with the children).

OP posts:

ZoFloMoFo · 04/12/2016 20:12

What has your "talking about it" consisted of so far?

There's loads to discuss.

You need to each be very clear about finances, who manages bills, will you have a joint account, attitudes to housework, what you each consider to be tidy/messy, childcare, disciplining the kids if needed, individual space, attitudes to house guests/family/friends dropping in or staying over, I could go on and on.

Will you lose any benefits, child tax credit, reduction in maintenance from your ex, etc, once he moves in?

Original poster

DeborahGrantham · 04/12/2016 20:12

yes, he knows me and the kids come as a package. He's fine with that - in fact he likes that!

I don't think we're close to moving in together yet. Just wondering about how it works...

OP posts:

RedMapleLeaf · 04/12/2016 20:13

I think you should split joint bills. Not sure how it works with rent, but DBoyfriend doesn't contribute a penny to my mortgage.

I think if he moves in with you it should include taking a fair share of household chores on. Your household includes children so I think those should be the terms he moves in on..?

Original poster

DeborahGrantham · 04/12/2016 20:14

zoflo we've said we need to think about all those things! We're aware of them, but not how it really works.

We're not that close to it yet, but just thinking about it. We both want to get it right if we do it, and are aware there's lots to think about.

OP posts:

RedMapleLeaf · 04/12/2016 20:16

What drudgery associated with the children does he not want to do? I could understand him not wanting to do the swimming club taxi every Saturday, for example.

Squashberry · 04/12/2016 20:17

He'd be moving in knowing you have children so taking on the role of "stepfather" I suppose. I'd definitely expect him to pay half the bills/rent etc or 60/40 at least. Same with housework if washing up needs doing for example would expect him to just wash his things and leave the kids and vise versa.

ClassmateHB · 04/12/2016 20:18

Deborah, would you lose housing benefit? Either way, my gut feeling would be shared bills, including rent. Though maybe not 50/50 with the children's costs?

How long have you been together?

ClassmateHB · 04/12/2016 20:19

As an aside, at my house this morning, I made tea and breakfast. But DP left me in bed and washed up everything from the night before (I cooked) and kept an eye on the kids (told them to stop arguing! ) Usually I cook here, he cooks at his, but we do share some chores, out of natural companionship I guess.

Goingtobeawesome · 04/12/2016 20:20

I feel it would have to be all or nothing. He's your partner and it's not practical for him not to play a stepfather role. How awful for the kids that he doesn't want to care for them in any way.

HandyWoman · 04/12/2016 20:25

To my mind by moving in he can't avoid the drudgery of children. It's unavoidable! Plus he will be in a step-parent role. No need for him to discipline at first but certainly be part of family life. He can't just sit reading the paper while you cook something that everyone eats. You'll need to agree house rules. Don't forget about legalities and inheritance if you are thinking of marrying.

Original poster

DeborahGrantham · 04/12/2016 20:32

he would want to be a stepfather, but doesn't really know what that role entails!

Tonight he did offer to chop/help me, but there wasn't really anything for him to do. I didn't really mind him sitting there, he was chatting to me etc. He'll cook a meal for all of us if he's here at weekends (and they're not with their dad) but isn't often here in time during the week as he's still at work.

I won't lose many benefits, just single person's council tax allowance. exH doesn't pay me any maintenance so I won't lose that either.

He'll happily spend time with the children chatting to them while I'm doing other stuff.

I don't have any concerns but neither of us really know what to expect and we're both keen not to get it wrong/offend the other person.

OP posts:

FretYeNotAllIsShiny · 04/12/2016 20:35

I did this years ago.He had no kids, I had two of 4 and 6. We decided to split the bills. He would pay the rent and council tax, I paid the utilities and food. So we were both contributing about the same amounts from our wages. He took the kids to school before work, and I picked them up afterwards. He threw himself into parenthood with enthusiasm, so that worked well. The kids were told that we were now a family and so either me or him could tell them off, but I was generally in charge of discipline because he didn't want to be too heavy-handed with them

Importantly, we stood together on the small stuff, so if he said no sweets before tea, they couldn't come to me and get a different answer. If he wasn't sure where I stood on something with the kids, he'd ask me, or tell the kids to ask me instead. Eventually he'd confidently make these calls himself and I'd back him up. I think that's the biggest advice I have. You're going to be a team, so stand firm together.

PenguinsandPebbles · 04/12/2016 20:44

Different angle from me as I moved in with DP and his two children. Well me and the cat did :) before that I had white things been a fair few years now and we are happy and a family.

We have talked through everything at all stages of our relationship and it was a slow transition, but I think if you do it slowly and discuss it then you don't set yourself up to fail. Talking and talking and more talking is the way forward. DP knew all my fears and concerns and I knew his. It's fluid we still talk all the time, like most people who are biological parents would, I assume. It will be the same when we finally get a baby to stick.

I personally am off the opinion if your moving in with someone who has children and they live there full time then you need to be in a parenting role, you don't have to be "dad" or "mum" (I was adopted for want of a better term by DC) you do have to be a responsible adult if I wasn't involved then I'd be like a lodger in my own home. We are a family, and families come in different shapes and sizes.

But, as I said we talked a lot both of us were happy with the decision. As a step-parent I felt I had to be 1,000% sure this was a good decision for everyone as at the centre were two children who had already been deserted by one woman and I was never going to do that to them. Of course DP had similar feelings. I know if anything happens between me and DP (pretty sure neither of us going anywhere) I will always be in the DC life the thought of not being in their lives breaks my heart.

To give some background of course DC do have a "mother" if you can call her that but she hasn't seen the children for 18mts, it's so sporadic maybe even longer this is her choice. So it is slightly different than your situation, in that respect I also don't want to get slated for being a step mum who has gone above her station which happens a lot

PenguinsandPebbles · 04/12/2016 20:50

Just saw your update, regarding maintenance and the fact he doesn't pay it. It wouldn't change anything if he did pay maintenance and your partner moves in. It is based on their wages.

Agree being a team is very very important!

lilybetsy · 04/12/2016 20:56

I did. Complete disaster. He paid nothing, bullied my kids and did fuck all. He's now as Ex and I will never ever do this again.

chitofftheshovel · 04/12/2016 21:07

Same here lily it was horrible and I regret it so much. However I'm sure it can work with the right person and with plenty of communication.

carpetdog · 04/12/2016 21:36

Oh I have a good story. Might out me, but fuck it.

My ex left me with a 2yo and a 4yo. I was a single parent for a bit then got in touch with an old friend. We got together then very quickly (unrelated!) My landlord gave me notice. Me, my 2 kids and dog moved in with him (no children). We married and bought our own house. Incredibly happy.

People on MN would have been horrified I think had I been on here at the time. It was all done in a matter of months. Bear in mind I had known him for over 15 years at this point.

Anyway, it was a steep learning curve for him. Suddenly having the chaos, routine and 'stuff' that comes with small children. We tried to divide stuff up by ratios but actually this was more trouble than it was worth. He earns more than me, and we did try but soon realised we were a family and it was going to function much better if We acted together on everything; money, parenting, household crap. The children knew what the score was, and won't remember any different.

It's been 5 years and it has been great. He's a brilliant step dad and he's my best friend. He's carved out his own relationship with the children and has managed to see many 'firsts' which has been great. We've had a bereavement which didn't strain us, and dealing with xh hasn't always been fun but honestly it just gets better.

RedMapleLeaf · 04/12/2016 21:43

What a lovely post carpetdog!

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