What do you think?

[Mamiewhereareyou]

I posted here 4 years ago under a different username (notthecatspyjamas). I'll try to keep it short, sorry. I suspected my husband was having an EA. Turns out it was worse - he eventually admitted to a full physical affair lasting at least 2 years and 2 ONS and kissing 3 other women as well.

We went through all the usual script and minimising and trauma afterwards and I kicked him out. Then I panicked, did the pick me dance and took him back.

Four years down the line and this is where I need your help please. I think I'm losing my sanity. He has changed in lots of ways (had CBT counseling) and is making a real effort, but I am struggling. We've had some very good times since but I think I have detached from him.

A couple of weeks ago we has a night out with friends. He was the driver so wasn't drinking and drove me home before the others. A week later I just got a feeling about something and checked his Facebook ( I haven't checked anything for a long time). On the night we were out, between getting home after me and coming upstairs he had been searching for the OW on Facebook and someone else who had always been really flirty with him and who he claims to have had no idea that she fancied him. Basically, the OW and the one that got away.

I go through patches of wanting to be with him and then not being able to stand the sight of him. I'm so confused. He's done a number on me hasn't he? I know that I am stupid and weak but I did want to try as I have 3 teenagers to consider.

Please tell me what you make of this. I'm sorry I am useless.

You aren't useless but you aren't with the right man. He doesn't deserve you and never deserved your forgiveness.

Detaching from him is the right way to go.

I'm sorry, it sounds like you are unable to trust him, because he is untrustworthy... He hasn't learnt anything from before has he? Ultimately, it doesn't sound like he values your relationship, or he would have made sure he was absolutely lily-white.

You did the pick me dance.

He appeared to do all the "right" things, counselling and "making an effort" but seems that's a bit of an act.

Have you asked him why he was looking for these OW on FB recently?

He's not trustworthy. He never was. Any man that can look you in the eye and treat you like he did has something missing in him.

You cannot conjure up empathy and respect. It has to be innate.

Thank you for all your replies.

Zo, I haven't because he would just turn it round on me and tie me up in knots in an argument. I was so reasonable you wouldn't believe it. I was the one comforting him when he was crying with guilt. When I cried, he always seemed a bit irritated like he wanted me to get over it IYKWIM.

He has been more thoughtful on lots of ways but when I saw that he'd been looking for her and the other one on FB I just thought for fuck's sake, he just can't help himself can he?

I don't mean that I want a man to fall at my feet adoring me or anything but as I've given him 3 children, a home and 18 years of my life, I starting to think it's time I got some self respect from somewhere and put an end to it. My self esteem is on the floor, I'm menopausal and on anti depressants as a result.

If I'm totally honest, I think I took him back through fear. I was scared to go it alone. And for my children. It hasn't all been doom and gloom, a lot of it has been good. But I'm not the person I used to be. The FB thing isn't good is it?

I've got an interview for a new job tomorrow and I haven't told him. If I get it, I'll tell him that I wanted to keep it a surprise but really I wanted to have something for myself and he'd only give me lots of advice that I don't want.

I've been in a similar situation. You are not stupid, weak or useless, you have been manipulated and abused.

Don't be scared about leaving, you deserve happiness and peace of mind.

How awful for you. I'm sad to say, there are so many OH's up to this nonsense. Don't keep him in your life, you don't have to suffer this.

QuiteLikey5, that's a lovely thing to say. I'll keep that in mind.

I know that I am stupid and weak but I did want to try as I have 3 teenagers to consider
....am not saying you're stupid or weak but yes you DO have three teenagers to consider.
If you don't want them to think this is how a healthy relationship looks & to learn all of this from their role models then leave. You don't need him, but the kids need to know what's right &
what's not. (And you're not going to be happy & he probably won't change )

Time to put yourself first and detach completely. Your self worth must be on the floor and you deserve so much more than you are getting with him. He's really not worth any more time, effort or tears.
But only you can take that first step of calling it a day. Think about where you'll be ten, twenty years from now and build yourself a better future while you still can.

Your children are nearly fully grown so now you can leave this lying cheat behind in the past and tell them the truth, that he is not trustworthy; any man who is actively seeking out other women is not a man that is either committed to the relationship or holds any value on fidelity; he's proved that to you over and over - just because you sucked it up last time doesn't mean you have to this time - this is actually your get out of jail free card, use it wisely, do not brush it under the carpet again, kick him out, you already know you are accepting crap.

Good luck with the interview!
Get the job and start focusing on yourself