Going to bed when stressed

[AmIImaginingThis]

When my partner gets stressed about something he just goes to bed and won't talk about whatever it is that's stressing him out. Eg. If we argue he will just get up and say he's going to bed, it could be 7pm and he will just go to sleep. Just now I asked him about something he said he was going to do and didn't and he just said "I know, I know" and then said he was exhausted and needed a nap and now he's gone to bed. It's annoying because we haven't seen each other all weekend and now he's asleep. He had a late night last night and will get up again for dinner but this is irritating me as I want to be able to talk about things without stressing him out so much and without him going to bed! Does anyone else have any experience of this? Is this something men do? We live together and have been together for four years.

I could easily do this,. I am not a man.

No experience, but I would consider it very odd behaviour, and highly irritating.

Perfectly normal imo and I'm not a man.

A stressed person needs to be able to organise their own thoughts, you can't do that during an argument and so it's best to remove yourself from the situation before it all escalates. Bed is s good place as it's warm, comforting and dark. Another favourite place is the bath, plus it has the benefit of a lock on the door if you don't think your partner will let you keep the space you sought. I'd rather keep away from my DH than to continue an escalating argument.

Having said all that, I think what really telling is how things go after that. How is he once he's gathered himself? Do you ever get to talk things through or is the subject that caused it avoided and it never mentioned again?

Sometimes, whether make or female, you need to be alone with your thoughts

Being alone with your thoughts is one thing but if he doesn't come back at some point for a discussion then it's pretty damn rude. I'd even go as far to say it's stone walling.

I need loads of sleep if I am stressed. I don't go for a nap mid argument, but I'm hard to find to argue with because when things get tough I go to bed.

He goes to bed rather than discuss things? Is he a child?

After he's had a nap it's always much better and we can discuss things but it's annoying as when I'm in the middle of something he just extracts himself from the conversation and shuts down completely.

He goes to bed rather than discuss things?

He goes to bed to break the cycle and avoid yet another exhausting argument. Can't say as I blame him.

My ex did this. We split for other reasons but it drove me nuts. It was his way of saying he couldn't be arsed to talk about it, but by "sleeping" or at least, pretending to sleep, I would look like the irrational one if I tried waking him/disturbing him, as there was no legitimate reason for him be awake (no DC).

It's an avoidance tactic. Needing some space for a bit mid-argument is one thing, but going to sleep for hours in the middle of the day because you don't want to talk about something is really shitty imo.

I do think it's hard to understand why it's so frustrating unless you've been on the receiving end of it as an avoidance tactic, though. Other people will say "He's an adult and there are no DC, why can't he have a nap?" or "you're not his keeper, he can go to bed whenever he wants." but going to bed because you're ill/tired is different from hiding in the bedroom to avoid a discussion.

My ex also did this. It was complete avoidance. Yes it's probably good to extract yourself from a row to some degree but to never resolve the issue and just have it keep repeating because one person never discusses it - that's not a partnership, that's like trying to have a relationship with a teenager who trounces off to their room until it blows over.

If you want a real relationship with an emotionally intelligent person, he isn't the one for you. It took me four years to discover this also. Four years of my life. Get out now because this is how he deals with emotion and it will drive you crackers.

To an extent it can be normal at times. But if it's constantly used as an escape from dealing with issues large or small, it's not. It's a control tactic of someone who is self absorbed and doesn't really care for another's feelings.

He can treat you as he pleases and never take responsibility, but fill you with anxiety and fear that if you question him he'll put up this wall. I'd feel abused myself.

Exactly - it's an avoidance tactic. He needs to grow up and learn to face up to things, not run away from them.