Thinking he should be more grateful for the life he has

[Hoppityfuckingvoosh]

Long back story. Posted numerous times about state of marriage.

H and I separated 3 months ago and he's moved out. Still see him regularly (2-3 times a week) so he can see DS.

We've been in counselling trying to Fix the mess we've created and a lot of time has been spent on my role in making him feel excluded from decisions and family life.

I can't see it. I really can't. All the big decisions have been our decisions and he's been part of the process. Smaller day to day decisions, I do make but that's always been the case (I'm just more proactive) but he's consulted if he needs to be. he's now saying his detachment is a product of feeling excluded, both by the things I do and the way I speak to him (more like a parent than an equal). Again, can't see it but if that's how he feels, it's how he feels.

I've spent weeks agonising over this. I've thought about EVERYTHING in our years together and, while I can see that my phrasing can be abrupt, it's never rude or condescending,

And I started to get really angry about the idea that I'm responsible for his behaviour. That I've made him this way and "forced" him into decisions he wasn't ready to make.

There's no reflection on his side of his selfishness; the way his detachement from fay life affects me and DS; the way that his needs seem to trump everything else.

I think we have a nice life. We own our own home, have DS, decent jobs etc. money is tight and life is monotonous but that's life with a toddler.

I think I've had a revelation. It's not me that's the problem, it's that he's resentful of the life he has. It isn't much fun, there is no romance (his doing) there isn't much to look forward to, and I'm being blamed/punished for "giving"/"forcing" him into it.

Posted too soon.

Why can't he be grateful for what he has? Is he just grass is greenering?

Is there any point in trying to make him see what he's doing or will he just deny it?

Do you feel like you are benefitting from the counselling?

Are your concerns/his faults or failings being picked apart too? Or is all of the focus on ways in which you make him unhappy? If both sides are being fully & openly discussed, and you just can't agree, then maybe there is no way forward.

You say DH wants more romance. Has he done anything at all to create this? Weekends away? Evenings out for just the two of you? Just spending more time alone together? Is he someone who says he wants things to change but isn't willing to put effort in for that to happen?

DH & I have also been having counselling this year and have come a long way towards solving our problems, but it is hard. There is so much soul searching & plain old effort required. And both of you need to be willing to make the effort, I can't see how it can work otherwise.

Sounds as if the separation has helped you to see things clearer.

All relationships need give & take a no one is perfect.It sounds as if your h doesn't actually accept you for who you are.

Ultimately we can change some behaviours if they are negatively impacting relationships (such as anger) but I believe you also have to accept your partner.
Yesterday I was with a couple and it was great to see the exchange between them.She admitted she could be controlling and he laughed along with with, saying yes she can, but it came from a good place.Its obvious that they know and trust each other.The husband was secure in himself not to feel challenged and the wife felt safe enough to be able to express her issues.It showed me how a loving couple can be a team, using her strengths
without negativity.
She was obviously not controlling to a point of abuse but perhaps another less secure partner would label it as such and want her to change rather than accept her.
Another example was a friend who is emotional, her husband warmly and protectively acknowledges it.He doesn't make it a fault as he loves and accepts her for all her faults.

If there is nitpicking then no couple can be happy and some people look for evidence to back up the negatives in their partner.They store up resentments rather than let stuff go.

Each partner does naturally have more of role in one area, perhaps its the children or household tasks.Some couples manage to negotiate these without too much of an issue, others have a power struggle.I suspect you are in the power struggle category which can be difficult as you may not even be aware he sees it like that.

Also be aware of projection.My stbxh blamed me and said I was controlling for not allowing him to have a wall sized mural.When I explained that some people might have a different perspective since he had previously chosen all the pictures in our house and that he had bought the dominant picture with zero consultation with me.It was the first time I had said no, so could hardly be viewed as controlling! It was a case of him projecting.