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Original poster

Dd said she is asexual

19 replies

marvelousdcomics · 04/12/2016 13:07

Hi everyone. So, dd is 15 and says she is asexual. She had prior to this come out as gay BUT says she didn't 'fancy' anyone, just thought they were a beautiful person. Never had a crush, or kissed anyone, or hugged or anything. Ever. She had a gf, who on Friday tried to kiss dd. Dd didn't like it, and didn't go through with it. She says the idea of being touched/kissinc someone is extremely repulsive. I don't know much about asexuality, so I don't know what to do/how to support her. Shes always said she'll be a lifelong virgin, and would much rather adopt than conceive. Anyone have any experience of this? Also, sorry if this is in the wrong topic.

OP posts:
EvenTheWind · 04/12/2016 13:08

Do you think she is happy in herself right now? If so, do you need to do anything specific to support her at the moment?

exWifebeginsat40 · 04/12/2016 13:14

the only thing to do is to let your DD work out who she is. this may or may not last - she is still very young.

when my DD first told me she was genderfluid I said I would always love her regardless - she's my child. it seems to be fading as a thing - she is bisexual though.

in my town there's a support group for LGBTQ teens. is there anything like this where you are?

I adopted a watch and wait policy. I think it's the only thing to constructively do.

starchildareyoulistening · 04/12/2016 13:18

As long as she's happy and she knows you love her regardless of who she is or isn't attracted to, I don't think there's much you need to do. You may think privately that she is very young to make such a declaration and she might meet someone in the future who makes her feel differently, but avoid voicing that to her. Sounds like she already knows she can tell you things without worrying about you responding negatively, so I think you're probably already doing great.

Original poster
marvelousdcomics · 04/12/2016 13:19

TheWind, she is okay at the moment I think. We pulled her out of school last week due to bullying. She had told someone she thought she was asexual and they text her some horrible messages about it. She just blocked the number and is okay now.

exWife, thank you. DD has known since a young age she just does not like physical contact with people. She has always appreciated good looking people, but never 'fancied' anyone. I agree it may be a phase but she seems pretty certain.

OP posts:
Original poster
marvelousdcomics · 04/12/2016 13:20

And yes, there is an LGBTQ+ teen support group, but its full of trans kids who she doesn't get along with.

Thank you starchild.

OP posts:
daimbar · 04/12/2016 13:23

I know someone asexual (adult in her 40s).

She enjoys having close friendships and emotional intimacy but not a sexual relationship. Says it simply doesn't interest her.

Don't feel sad for your DD, it's brilliant she can be honest with you rather than try and have a relationship she doesn't want.

Original poster
marvelousdcomics · 04/12/2016 13:35

Thanks daimbar. That's what dd likes too. She has a few very close friends, but never engages in physical contact. She lives being emotionally close to people, able to speak about anything, but the physical intimacy is uncomfortable for her.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 04/12/2016 13:40

Can I ask why you feel you have to do anything special to support her, apart from just being a supportive parent, and accepting her as she is at the moment?

I think the only thing you might need to do is to make sure that it's absolutely fine for her to be as she is-while making sure that she has the space to become someone different as she grows up. But I think that's something we all need to do with our teens.

Original poster
marvelousdcomics · 04/12/2016 13:45

Bertrand, I fully accept who she is. Always have done, always will. I was just thinking about the future, where people wont be as accepting. There are some horrible people and I don't want her to go through what she already has done at school recently again.

OP posts:
NoTractorsAtTheTable · 04/12/2016 13:46

I'm pretty certain I'm asexual - I'm looking into it at the moment and it's ticking a lot of boxes having a husband and DCs is a bit of a complication

There's the AVEN (Asexual visibility & education network) website link to AVEN which I've found very helpful. It's a great resource with lots of information and there's a forum page too.

MsStricty · 04/12/2016 13:48

OP, I think there's a difference between being asexual - i.e. uninterested or disinterested in sex - and the kind of behaviour you describe in your DD, e.g. she finds touching/kissing "extremely repulsive" and she doesn't do physical contact.

This, I feel, is broader and deeper than asexuality.

ZoFloMoFo · 04/12/2016 13:50

I'm not sure why she feels the need to declare herself as anything, but surely all you can do is support her, and tell her she doesn't need to label herself or explain herself to anyone.

d270r0 · 04/12/2016 13:53

Shes only 15. Its perfectly normal for her to not be feeling huge desires yet. Give her time.

Cary2012 · 04/12/2016 13:59

You are obviously a great mum because your DD has felt open enough to talk to you.

I work with teenagers and it's not unusual for some of them to feel they can't talk to their parents, so it's great that she knows you are there for her.

All I can say is let her know you're there for her, and keep the lines of communication open.

There is no point thinking too far ahead, she's still developing emotionally, and her feelings might change. Just knowing she's ok, can always talk to you and your love is unconditional is all you can do, So keep doing what you're doing basically!

MargaretRiver · 04/12/2016 14:01

I think quite a lot of the girls I knew at 15 would nowadays label themselves asexual

But it turned out they weren't , they were more like pre-sexual ( or as we said then, late bloomers)

They mostly turned out heterosexual with an average proportion of lesbians & bisexual women

There was a time when young women with sexual desires were shunned
When we ( rightly) started accepting this as normal, I think society has swung too far in the opposite direction and now labels as abnormal young people who have just not yet started feeling that way

There is a very wide range of normal and labels can be unhelpful

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 04/12/2016 14:13

Wasn't Stephen Fry asexual, except now he's married? Perhaps remind her no one needs a label especially at such a young age. It's brilliant she can talk to you.

Bauble16 · 04/12/2016 14:28

I think many people at that age aren't ready for sexuality. I wasn't and my DH wasn't till he was 17. She may well feel A sexual now but it's likely to change. If it doesn't though just keep supporting her :)

SandyY2K · 04/12/2016 14:59

She may well change with age, but if she doesn't that's not a problem.

There are many asexual men, who want a relationship and marriage, but have no sexual desire. There are asexual online support groups.

As long as she's happy and healthy, just support her, as Im sure you already do.

KatherinaMinola · 04/12/2016 15:08

I was similar at 15. I knew another girl who never wanted a boyfriend until she was about 22 or 23 and then decided she did. I agree with MargaretRiver

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