How to move on - mentally

[stirling]

Hi,

I posted here about 8 months ago, describing a relationship I was in (on/off) with someone for 4 years who was extremely intense, then vanished , repeat.

The advice I received on this board was sage. It helped me to make a decision to leave. I still feel it's the right decision because relationship was highly unsettling, despite being bizarrely the best relationship in many other ways. If he hadn't been so elusive and non committal, it would have been perfect.

Anyway, despite seeing him only once or twice this entire year - I can't stop thinking about him. It's a case of digression - there's no progress whatsoever. Each day feels harder than the previous.
I open my eyes in bed every morning, he's there in my mind. I tell myself I'm going to push him out of my mind and do a little prayer for help. To no avail.

No matter what I'm doing, thoughts of him are spinning around my head. I realise that this is different from the past, in my 20s I would have moved on to the next relationship. However I can't do that now. I'm so broken. My marriage ended several years ago - due to ex being a serial adulterer. I thought this guy was a blessing but so wrong.
I found myself making the most appalling excuse to meet him briefly recently, which we did, and I could see he had moved on. He looked so well groomed, new clothes, slipped up and called me by another woman's name...Couldn't have been more obvious that he's in a new relationship. He made no attempts to stay in touch, other than a package he sent to me on my birthday in the summer, stating he thought about me and my children every day, and that if I ever needed to talk to him, he'd be there - "whether it's today, tomorrow, or in 10 years time"

Over the four years, i wrote countless emails to myself urging myself to leave him. I have been in therapy since January, with Mind. It's a good opportunity to offload but I don't feel any more settled, secure, happier.

The main thing is that I still can't stop obsessing about him. It stops me from doing the things I love - reading, etc.
Does anyone have any tips /advice for me? Time doesn't seem to be much of a healer right now.

Thank you

regress! Not digress!

Anyone?

Cold turkey is your only hope, though I realise it's easier said than done. You know he likes you dangling don't you? All this 'I'll be there/insert lyrical waxing about time-scales here'. He has deliberately created a star-crossed lover type situation, from what you have said. I don't think it was any accident that he scrubbed up well when you last met. I bet he did it deliberately.

He sounds like he is very emotionally unavailable and or withholding. Have either of you read up on Limerance? Sounds like that might be worth a go.

Your post really made me think of a book that I found incredibly helpful in a situation where I couldn't move on in my head - Stop Thinking, Start Living by Richard Carlson. I think it's worth a try, I found it very powerful.

Thank you both. That Churchill quote sums it up really. So hard.
SpongebobJP - you're right, in hindsight it was no coincidence that he was so well done up. I've come across the term limerance in a self help book. Will look it up now...thank you.

Thanks for the list Anon, I'm already doing a few but I certainly will try to carry on reading. Smiled at no 7!

Thanks Shedoesnot, I've got the book! I've just got to dig it out. Haven't looked at it for years. SpongebobJP, I've found a fascinating forum for limerance sufferers. Thanks for suggesting I Google it.

I read something on here recently about bereavement grief - that grief is like a yellow ball in a glass of water. The ball represents the grief and the glass of water represents your life. Sometimes the ball will fill the glass totally and is all you can see. Sometimes it will be tiny - but it's not the ball that gets bigger or smaller - it's your life.

In other words, if you are busy and fulfilled, the grief - although still there - is less intrusive and more manageable.

I wonder if the same analogy applies to this kind of infatuation/limerence?

Treat it like grief and stop fighting it. You are mourning for a non-existent fantasy relationship. Accept your feelings are there and painful. Concentrate on managing it day to day in two ways:

1. No contact of any kind - including cyber stalking or even mentioning him. Stay AWAY from anyone who knows him.

1. Make your life BIGGER. Fill up your time with STUFF. Doesn't matter what it is - but get busy. Evening classes, learn to climb at the local climbing wall, join a gym and go to a spin class, volunteer, see friends, sign up for some speed dating (not to seriously meet anyone but just for a laugh). The yellow ball of him will shrink.

PopeMortificado - thank you so much. You're analogy is very special, but more importantly your practical pointers are just brilliant. I've written some of your and previous posters suggestions down.

Thank you for this. I was (in October) dumped out of the blue, after five years. No reason - well, MLC - he's dressing like an idiot and going to lots of gigs, with his SON! I am having a Big Yellow Ball day today, but will get busy and think on. Best of luck Stirling - you are so, so not alone!

I sympathise. I was dumped out of the blue back in July after a 11 year relationship (at a family wedding!) I had to live in my partners house with my son for 6 weeks until I could move out. It was heartbreaking as he totally shut me and my son out with no conversation or attempt to salvage the relationship.
Since then I got my teeth stuck into a couple of projects, rebuilt my home, lost 2 stone, caught up with friends and invested in spending time with family.

I agree in the cold turkey, no contact rule (in principle), However it is tricky if you live close by, bump into each other and share friends.

Invest in yourself, make yourself look fabulous, try new makeup, hair colour, buy something new for yourself, try out some new things to do, try and get away and stay with friends and family, aim for that promotion. Importantly Block him on social media.

It's not gong to be easy, it's ok to still think of him as it's still very raw but eventually the thoughts will be less and less. There will be trigger points you need to plan for, for example Christmas and New Year are going to be very painful as I met my ex on Christmas Eve and we normally go on a family winter holiday over New Year. I'm trying to get a social diary planned to fill this time.

It's going to take time....one step each day...don't rush yourself.

It sounds like you are taking lots of positive steps OP. I think after the heartbreak of anew ended marriageit is very easy to overinvest in a new relationship or friendship. I know I have done this too and created a fantasy in my head that was hard to get over. Keep getting out and about and doing anything that makes you feel good.

12345a did you ex really block your son out too? A particular lucky escape from.someone who can treat a child like that too. Good luck to you too.

I agree with all that has been said, plus two practical things that helped me - actually blocking/deleting contact details on my phone, social media etc - so I couldn't contact him even if I caved and wanted to. I wrote the number down and hid it from myself, over time I forgot where it was and now I don't care.

I also on several occasions have written a list of all the bad things about the person/relationship, be as brutal or shallow as you like, and pin it up somewhere you will see regularly. In the bathroom or hallway. Eventually those messages sink in and push out all the idealistic wishful thinking going on at the moment.

Doing stuff for yourself - very important.

Write a Cons and Cons list - no Pros! Add to it every time you think of something else - the awful Fred Perry shirts and velcro-shutting trainers, his spoilt inept-adult children etc. Buy a Fitbit and walk and walk and walk - steps of rage I call it! Delete his no. from your 'favourites' screen. Get out - do not lie in bed moping, get out and do steps of rage! Be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time. 'Just for today'... See your mates at all times, and throw yourself into your work. Buy all those books you've been meaning to read from Abe Books and read till your eyes droop. Do NOT contact him - I find it just puts you back :( What we need is plates and plates, of Cold Turkey!

Write a Cons and Cons list - no Pros! Add to it every time you think of something else - the awful Fred Perry shirts and velcro-shutting trainers, his spoilt inept-adult children etc. Buy a Fitbit and walk and walk and walk - steps of rage I call it! Delete his no. from your 'favourites' screen. Get out - do not lie in bed moping, get out and do steps of rage! Be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time. 'Just for today'... See your mates at all times, and throw yourself into your work. Buy all those books you've been meaning to read from Abe Books and read till your eyes droop. Do NOT contact him - I find it just puts you back :( What we need is plates and plates, of Cold Turkey!