Over a barrel...

[NoMore2016]

I might get this deleted at some point as it's quite identifying. I'll also try to keep it short (even though I know it won't be)!

I am a fuck up of epic proportions. This is undeniable. I feel I have to explain that I've been dealt a pretty heavy set of cards in this lifetime; my childhood was marred by experiencing serious sexual abuse, neglect and alcoholism and I also had spells where I was homeless (either from running away or being chucked out). Despite being bright, I ended up leaving school with zero qualifications at 15/16 and was pregnant with my DC1 by 17 (he was born not long after I turned 18).
I do not wish to use any of the above as an excuse as to why I'm such a loser - just merely an explanation as to why obtaining a decent, normal, functioning life has been trickier for me than most. However I'm in my 30's now and I could have - should have - done more...

After splitting from DC1's dad, I was a single mother for a bit and then started dating my most recent ex. This was truly the happiest time of my life. Ex was at uni when we met and I was on benefits but I started temping once DC1 was in school and ex started working in the city after graduating. We set up home and it was mostly bliss. He was an excellent stepdad and we had some great times. We got engaged. I won't say everything was perfect, there were rows and obstacles. But we were a very good team and there was a lot of love.

Near on a decade later I fell pregnant with DC2. This is where it falls apart. After she was born ex was awful. I can see now he had some sort of breakdown but he was vile to me and the kids and wouldn't help out with the baby (his own child) at all. I was subject to character assassinations every day and there was physical aggression too (on both sides). He would go out drinking whenever he could. It was 9 months before he started to recover and become more involved. Whilst I appreciate people can't help being ill, I never quite got over that awful time.

More bad luck hit us the year after DC2 was born. Ex lost his job and we lost our house. We moved into ex's parents for the better part of a year to try and save money. I was only temping so not earning loads. Ex was out of work for 7 months (uncharacteristic) so nothing actually got saved and debts mounted up. Then the inevitable happened; despite supposedly water tight contraception, I fell pregnant with DC3...

I should have had an abortion really. I look at him now and feel bad for saying that but it just multiplied our problems and sent us spiralling.

Ex had no job at this point and wanted to stay on at his folks but there was barely space for the 4 of us and definitely no room for a 5th person. He wouldn't budge so I then had to contact the council for help. They placed me and the kids in temporary accommodation and we lived apart from ex for many months, with him visiting. The plan was to find a permanent rental once he'd saved enough from his new job and all be a family again. But the kids and I were moved several times into different, increasingly grim temp accoms (one with a gas leak, one with rats, etc)... I had to foot the bill for all the moves myself (although ex helped out physically). I had 3 DC's during all this (including an ExBF baby and a toddler who was starting to self harm (biting and punching herself). I shouldn't complain about being given government help (don't bite the hand) but being back on benefits with three kids huddled in a rat and cockroach infested hell hole was possibly the most depressing point of my life.

And then (just days before my birthday) ex left me. Not the kids - he has remained very dedicated to them. But me. He decided that he just couldn't take any more misery and wanted done. Said he wasn't attracted to me anymore. (Sorry I haven't run a brush though my hair or lost the baby weight yet mate - I'm homeless, looking after your kids and breastfeeding your 6 month old - maybe you could have given me some time off, eh)?!

Within the month I found the rental we're living in now and set about making it into a home for my kids. It still needs lots doing to it but it's getting there. I do still live in fear of having to hit the homelessness conveyor belt though, should my landlords decide they want to sell. I think the worst thing is not having been able to find any permanent work. I had a temp job this year which ended in October. I supposedly have something lined up for the new year (after hitting the streets with my CV again). But I don't quite trust that it will pan out. I hate being benefits dependent - it makes me feel shite. But there's not much out there for someone with a CV as shit as mine and childcare for 2 of my 3 DC's is fairly prohibitive.

Ex and I have retained a very good co-parenting relationship and we do have a very natural friendship. He visits the kids 5 days out of 7 and stays every weekend. Because of the area I live in, with 3 kids I am benefit capped, so he pays for a top up on my rent. It works out similar to what he would be paying in maintenance so it's instead of that.

He is a better father now but still can be lazy and shouty. The kids have inherited his anxiety and DC2 has some SEN. I worry that we have damaged them for life just by simply bringing them into the world during the worst time of our lives.

Ex and I were both seeing other people for a while, well he's still seeing his. Mine ended up with me being stalked and harassed and there was police involvement. Always a drama with me. Two other blokes I was speaking to, backed off when they realised that ex stayed over here sometimes. Fair enough. I've knocked looking for a boyfriend in the head for now anyway as I'm not in the right headspace. Only want something very casual and these guys have all been pushy and ignored boundaries, so it's for the best.

I suspect ex had an affair with the woman he's seeing as I found a screenshot of her Facebook profile on his phone 8 days before I gave birth to DC3 (2 years ago!) so that was nice. He is adamant that he fancied her but didn't start seeing her until the following summer (like 8/9 months later) as she lived abroad. It checks out in a way. He swears he was always faithful to me even towards the end when he knew it was going wrong. I'm not sure I buy this at all. He lied when he did start seeing her, making out to me he wasn't ready yet. I had to find out for myself by snooping through his phone (which I had no right to do especially as we were already split). He says he didn't want to hurt me but he had the right at that point to see who he liked. I just wanted explanations for disappearances. He'd still be pretending he wasn't ready now I think. He'd never have admitted the truth if I hadn't find out. She is well and truly the epitome of a dirty little secret.

So he's been seeing her for over a year at least and she is seemingly content to be fit in on Thursday nights and every now and then. He has keys to her place and they're all lovey dovey - he's even been on holiday with this woman (the kids haven't had one yet though) but yet she's never even met our kids or his friends and here's the kicker; he hasn't even told his friends or family that he's split up with me!!!

That's right. After 18/19 months of being split up he has told around 4 people - all work colleagues. He hasn't told his parents or siblings or any of his close friends. In fact he still refers to me as the missus to them and makes out he'll be moving in as soon as he's paid off his debts. It must look ridiculous to other people. And I highly doubt the woman he's seeing knows about this. He begged me not to tell anyone at first for around a year, but I have now told my sister and many of my friends (parents no - not massively close to them for several reasons). I haven't said anything to our mutual friends out of respect for him but I'm getting sick of the lies. I just don't get why he won't come clean? Probably doesn't want to look like the bad guy. I think he tells his parents that he's visiting the kids on the nights he goes off to see his girlfriend.

He makes out that his life is really hard; living with his parents in his 30's, having to do all the travelling to see his kids after working all week. And that he can't get his own place because he's paying so much towards my rent (which he'd be paying in maintenance anyway). He drinks too much and will never turn down a social event. He has a fucking girlfriend to juggle in for christs sake! I will admit that he does seem to prioritise the kids time before anything else. And I feel guilty and ungrateful for saying this, but...

I don't want him in my life anymore.

I feel like I exist to facilitate his life. I feel like he's actually got himself set up to have everyone facilitating his life. Me looking after his kids and providing a meal and a warm bed (note: we never have sex with each other) and a place for him to see his kids in. His mum and dad providing another bed and laundry/food services. And his girlfriend for providing yet another bed, for him to get laid in. He gets the romance from her. I stopped being taken on dates when I had his pesky kids and couldn't get out as much. I think he's actually kind of a user, or am I letting my bitterness cloud my view? Is he just in a bind and making the best of a bad situation.

It's lovely that he wants to see the kids so much. But it is totally at the expense of my mental wellbeing. I feel selfish for saying that I want him to see them elsewhere but I am so miserable watching him text his girlfriend all day, wishing he cared that much about me still so we could have been a proper family. He does help out with the cooking and cleaning but is selfish about taking all the lie-ins and we seem to have to work around all his plans. (I'm the only driver so you can add taxi to the list of things I think he uses me for). I'm knackered. I have my kids 24/7 whether he's here or not. If i have plans to go out, he is deliberately late back or if hes already here, he's sluggish and makes us all late. Just yesterday he told me he didn't give a fuck what my plans were whilst simultaneously expecting a lift to the barbers. And I fucking gave in because my DC2 has special needs and can't handle sudden change without a meltdown. Result; I was horrendously late for my plans. His came first as "he works all week and this is his only chance to get it cut." Ha - last Tuesday I got my haircut for the first time in 6 months, he goes every fortnight! Diddums.

He's not evil. He can be very kind and supportive. He's not a tight arse. He's helped me out with countless things, like the-doing my CV and printing it out or decorating one of my rooms. He can be great. He tells me I'm his best friend and soulmate. And that he still loves me very much but that sometimes things don't work out. That he wishes it did but the priority is the kids. I don't think he should say these things to me as he has someone new. Although I love hearing them as I'm still fucking heartbroken over the whole thing and it's like some sort of consolation prize I guess.

I can't move on. He's here all the time. If I go out on a date, he's really shitty with me the next day - he clearly hates it (but it's okay for him). He has now demanded the name and address of every guy I ever sleep with in the future because I am vulnerable and a liability. (This is since the stalking incident which to be fair did cause him problems too). He says it's because he worries for me and that he doesn't want me dead in a ditch without knowing where to look. And yet if I ask him anything about his life it's "none of my business."

The kids adore him, but I have to admit on the nights he's not here things are calmer. He won't admit the truth to my eldest who is confused. And the younger DC's are confused.

He says he waiting until 2018 to get his own place, as his parents plan to sell one of their properties and give him some money (I have doubts this will happen). The youngest two are going to have a horrible shock in a year or twos time when he's finally sorted his own place and stops staying. I would rather get the ball rolling now as it will be worse for them the older they get. But he outright refuses; says I am a horrible person and a bitch as he helps keep this roof over our heads so he should be entitled to see his kids here. He says he doesn't want to have the kids to stay with him at his parents house as his dads an alcoholic and he doesn't want the kids around the drink. Fair do's. But he won't get a place of his own as he can't afford it and he won't even share with his girlfriend and have them there! He's got me over a barrel. So it's basically for me to shut up and put up. And I can't. Not anymore.

My mental health is suffering badly. I'm lonely but at the same time suffocated as I never get any time off - everyone is always here and I'm usually doing most of the grind. I don't know why but I still want him to want me but he doesn't and every time I look over and see him smiling at a gooey text from my girlfriend it breaks my heart a little more. I look at my poor kids and feel so guilty for fucking their little lives up. Whenever we have a lovely family weekend and a laugh, I try and kid myself that he'll want to be back part of it all. But he's quite happy bumbling along how he is, never mind how I feel.

He has little sympathy for the way I feel - apparently the kids would suffer if I stop him staying here and I would be incredibly selfish to cause them all that pain just because I'm bitter that he's happy and I'm not. I keep trying to tell him that if I have a breakdown they'll be even more fucked up but it falls in deaf ears. He wants it all on his terms and on his timing. But it's true what he says - I do get a lot out of this arrangement myself. I just feel like I would be able to move on so much better if I didn't have to see so much of him and got a bit of a break. Maybe we really could have a friendship - a real one - once I've properly moved on?

I just can't take much more. I'm torn between putting the kids and him first and suffering myself indefinitely. Or making the first selfish move in a very long time and reaping some possibly very sad consequences. I've done years of sacrifice now and I'm starting to really resent him and even my poor kids (it's not their fault). I'm becoming a very angry and hopeless person. What about me? Why am I just a vessel for everyone else?

I know this is my own fault. Feel so stuck.

That sounds awful for you. He really doesn't have you over a barrel you know. You can say this isn't working for you and that you'll be telling the children you've split up as they deserve to know the truth.

He'll need to arrange to see them elsewhere, during the day if he can't have them over night.

You don't get loads out of this arrangement at all. Like you say, he contributes what he should in maintenance.

Can you ask a friend to be with you while you tell him things will change? I hope you find the courage to tell him, because things need to change for you.

You sound like you have a lot on your plate. Don't ever refer to yourself as a fuck up, you were treated very badly and it wasn't your fault. Use different words to describe yourself. You are a loving capable person and you can change your current situation.

Your first focus should be on yourself because if you are not coping you won't be able to focus properly on anyone else.

I recommend that you try to access some counselling for yourself, maybe your doctor can help point you in the right direction. You should also tell your doctor about your mental health problems.

When I was in crisis I rang my local Women's Aid who provided invaluable advice.

The time with small children seems to last forever but it won't. Why not knock casual dating on the head for a while to give you some breathing space.

Your EX has his own issues and don't get involved just accept that he is a decent parent and a good support to yourself and the children.

If you haven't already done so go to your local Citizen's Advice to get advice on housing. It might make you feel more secure if you had stable housing.

Put some pressure on your EX to take the children overnight either where he lives or with his parents. Don't see this as failure see it as getting some space and time on your own.

Wow. He really has his cake and is eating it!

First - tell his family that you've split up.

Second - let him have the kids at his parents house when it's his turn to have them.

Third - don't tell him about your private life - it's none of his business and he's being controlling.

You sound like a really strong loving parent. He's a weak, selfish, controlling idiot. He's the fuck up and wants you to put up with all the consequences to his fuck ups whilst leaving him with the life of Riley.

Stop facilitating his life.

1- Tell him your telling the DC his family and any one else you've split up. Then do it. What's the worst he could do?
2- tell him that following informing the DC (above) he will need to take the DC to wherever he is living for contact from now on.
3- ignore him whining about it. You've split up he has no intention of getting back with you he's seeing someone else ffs. Most of all it's unfair on the DC if they think that at some point he will be moving in. And the sooner things change the better.
4- stop letting him stay at your house /being a taxi service/ etc

He must make his own arrangements for access and pay you maintenance. End of!

He is taking the piss out of you massively. Everything is designed to keep him happy. Objectively, I think telling the dcs that you've split up would be easier for you to be able to move on and is the biggest stumbling block. He needs to stop staying with you and you need to stop treating this like you're together. Stop giving him lifts, stop letting him make you late: if he's there with the dcs, go, or better still, take the dcs to his parent's place for visitation.

He's controlling and has the classic signs of an abuser, deliberately fucking up things for you and demanding to know your every move. Please get him out of the habit of staying at yours, it's stopping you progressing with your life.

Sorry for my delayed response; I had to take DC2 to a friend's party (soft play - aaaargh)!

Thank you so much for your replies everyone. And well done on getting through that essay of a post - so long!

Some good advice - thank you. I think there's a lot of cowardice in the way we're behaving and that's not very fair on the kids. Basically we are scared to make that final jump as we know it means naturally we won't really be in each other's lives any more. Or not as much anyway. I freely admit I'm scared but he would rather die than come clean.

Since we both have fractious relationships with our birth families and since we were together for so long from such a young age, I think that we've come to represent "home" to each other now. There is a certain comfort we seem to only be able to get from the other when we're finding life a bit tough. But that's obviously not a good enough reason to keep this farce together. I will miss him every single day once he's gone and actually I'm confident he'll miss me (or at least what I do for him). But I think it's probably the only way to restore my sanity at this point.

I do worry about the kids though. Maybe I am being selfish - he's certainly put the thought in my head that I'm doing this for my own selfish wants and needs rather than the children's benefit. But I suppose when he's actually finally "ready" to move on and into his own place, it'll be seen as "doing the right thing" and some sort of natural progression. I don't think that his way necessarily benefits the kids either, as it's all a big a facade. I know they will be initially devastated with what I'm planning and I feel torn up at the thought. But I think it's better for them to live in the real world as soon as possible rather than believe they have an "in tact" family, where daddy has to "work away" some nights. He's making us all live this lie.

He gets extremely irate whenever I try to broach this subject, however gently. And I can see behind the shouting and the insults, that it's actually borne out of sheer panic - I can actually see him visibly freaking out at the thought of me not falling into line and going along at his pace. Which is ridiculous! Nobody is going to care or give him a hard time when the truth comes out. In fact his life will be much simpler to organise so I don't get what he's so afraid of?!

I'm not an easy person either and I have my own demons. I don't want to make out like I'm innocent. We are both an attractive enough pair who have no problems with the opposite sex, but where he has the time and separate money pot to play sport or go on spa dates, get massages, Armani jeans, etc, I am overweight and ungroomed since having children and I don't have the time or the money to keep looking fashionable plus I'm just more inclined to put our children first so I've ended up looking a mess. From a completely shallow perspective, I can see his frustration with me; that if I just started working again, dropped some weight and dressed nicely he would be once again attracted to me, as I apparently look like a "pretty hobo". He doesn't get that I look worse than him as he takes and I give. He thinks it's all down to my lack of ambition. I say lack of resources followed by lack of hope. But I honestly think if I was 2 stone lighter, hair and nails done, louboutins on and a well paying job to split the costs of drink and dinner, then he'd still be with me! I think it's that shallow! He thinks he's entitled to have a little honey on his arm and because I am often unavailable and an embarrassment to look at, he's replaced me with a city girl. But obviously still sticks around for all the home comforts.

Obviously I want to (eventually) be with someone who loves me for who I am and supports me in my improvements instead of putting me down and comparing me to the childless woman he's seeing who has all the time in the world to groom and go to the gym. But my heart and ego still wants him to want me - how pathetic. I also know that when it's good, it's great and the times we work as a team is wonderful for are kids.

Some days I think he just wishes I were a certain way and then it would all be alright. "If only she was slimmer/had a good job/could get childcare on tap - then we'd still be together!" I've caught hints of this viewpoint in some of the things he says and I wonder if he's trying to get me to fight for him? My lack of ambition is not attractive to him apparently...

And then other days I think he just wants to make sure I'm happy before he eff's off. Not too happy of course and definitely not as happy as him! But happy enough that he won't look like a shit for walking out on a woman who wants to put her head in the oven. So much of this could well be about protect his image to other people.

My sister thinks he's keeping his feet under the table until I either get fitter and richer or he gets another even better offer than the one he has now. He's a prick, I know that. I just don't understand how I let this happened and why I've believed for so long that I was the problem by not being able to get over it all quickly like he wants.

Believe me, I'd do anything to be able to have just got on with it a bit better and blocked out all my pain. To have got my head down and made a good life for myself despite his presence. To not care what he thinks and have the confidence to just be me and laugh at his shit. But I'm obviously weak because I just can't. I still care about his well being and when he's around I so often feel nervous and like my mind is in a fog. I can't articulate to him in speech because he interrupts and ties me up in knots before I've even got one sentence out. I sometimes text him in the same room but he hates that too. He's happy to hear my opinions on music and current affairs or business ideas, etc. But he basically hates me having a say if it threatens his status quo. And I think he shits all over my rights.

Neither of us are thinking enough of the children. We're putting our own fears first. He's got me in a position where doing this makes me the bad guy to everyone - even our children. He's a very clever man. Will it damage my children? Will they hate me for this and rebel? I'd sacrifice everything and I carry on this way forever if I felt for certain that it wasn't going to damage them. I did honestly believe that at first. But surely they need a functioning mother? One that can engage with them properly instead of one that fakes smiles everyday? I feel so bad for them - they deserve the world and we've given them hell. 😔

God sorry for another essay! To put it more succinctly:

My ex would rather live between his mum and dads rent free, and staying at mine to see his children (for the small price of a rent top up or maintenance) and fly over to his girlfriends occasionally to get laid, instead of actually getting his own place and giving up a chunk of his huge disposable income or his three maids (me, his mum and his new lady) that do all his bidding for him. He doesn't care for mine and his children's discomfort as long as he gets his way and looks like a stand up guy whilst doing it. He probably keeps me around so he doesn't have to entertain the kids all in his own. That's about the size of it right?

I should have told him to go fuck himself when he went on holiday for a dirty weekend with his lady friend and asked me to lie about it and tell everyone he was away with work. Why did I go along with it? My kids haven't had a holiday and he's been away with her 2/3 times now! (Not including countless stag did as well). He's purely out for himself here, bit them. Why did I think I was protecting his rep for their sake? I'm an idiot and I'm furious with myself...

I just wanted to say, you are absolutely not a fuck up. You've survived this myriad of difficult circumstances, and you are THE constant for your children. You've done very well indeed to come out of it as you have. A few changes to your life, to your relationship with this man, and I hope you'll be able to appreciate for yourself all of your hard work, and feel more balanced, settled and valued.

Right... First, are you sure he is paying what he should in maintenance? You refer to be huge income and the small top up in you rent. Maybe worth getting this formalised?

When he stays with you, who pays for food etc?

Stop giving him lifts, prepare a mental list of excuses as to why you can't do it so you are prepared. Who pays for the petrol for these trips?

Does he do any sole childcare? Ever take the kids to the park?

In 5 years time do you want to live like this?

His selfishness is grinding you down into the ground.
He texts his GF when you're in the room - how cruel of him, and going on holiday etc., I wonder how he'd feel it was the other way round.
The more you put up with this farce with this selfish bastard, the more difficult it will be to break the cycle.
I really feel for you, and you sound lovely btw, but you need to stop this for your own sake and mental health.
I would give him an official warning that after Christmas your separation must be made official (EVERYONE must be told), and that visits must be formalised etc, and at his parents' house or at the park/soft-play or whatever (just like other dads do).
He really is having his cake and eating it, and you need to stand up to him and start looking after your own needs and well-being.
Make sure he is paying the correct maintenance (I don't want to offend you, but you sound like you would accept any little crumbs he is willing to offer you?)
He doesn't want you, but you are far far too good to him to let anyone else have you. He is wasting your life.
I wish you all the luck in the world - you will get there x

I think that your home should be your sanctuary, so if you dont want him there make it clear and set up your clear boundaries (physical and mental)

Ensure that you claim maintenance

Arrange so that he has the children on set days of the week somewhere else (not in your home)

He is 30, not 3

He is your EX and should be treated as an ex (he has a girlfriend)

No more lies ever

It seems that you currently have most of the responsibility, he needs to step up and take more responsibility as a father

Stay strong

Nomore I really really feel for you. I think you sound like an incredible person, in and of yourself, and also because of the extraordinarily crap circumstances life has thrown at you, from such an early age.

However, what really comes through all your posts is that so much of the strength and good in you comes from YOU, not him. it must seem confusing because you had been together so long, and you have clearly had support and love from him once upon a time which would have inevitably changed you in some ways, but I really do think it is your resilience, your character, and your ability to overcome hardship.

The fact is, neither of you have really moved on, and as it seems to happen with these things (at least with many MN posts) he gets to have all the cake, and you get the crumbs. I think a lot of us women will hold on to the crumbs in the hope of that 'perfect' future we were taught to want and need as girls, especially if we had a tough childhood. I think you can probably see that no matter what, that dream is shattered - even if he does break up with his girlfriend and come back to you, how can you trust him not to hold that over your head and use the threat of leaving again to cater to all of his needs and none of your own?

I suspect he has deep internal issues himself too - possibly a life of covert depression, which is hinted at by your issues after the birth of your first child - this seems common for men with depression who manage to stuff it all into a box and pretend it doesn't exist, but which comes out with the stress of new fatherhood. It doesn't seem to me that he either recognises it or wants to do anything about it. this means he is never going to be emotionally available to anyone, you, his girlfriend, or most importantly himself. He will have serious self esteem issues, needing arm candy or good looks or unconditional love from a woman to assuage his broken soul.

You can't help him, other than facilitating it so that he has the best relationship possible with his children.

However, you can help yourself. Your history and your current state suggest that you also have self esteem issues. Whilst that seems harsh it is actually something you can do to fix. Focus on the positive things that you have achieved in your life - your kids, your overcoming your circumstances, your kindness. Develop yourself - read, take your kids to the park to exercise, learn a new skill...

When you learn to love yourself as you should be loved - flaws and all, then firstly you will not NEED his love, and also you will understand what you actually want in a partner, and what you will not accept.

I would say that if he is with his girlfriend, there is no possibility that he will want to improve himself, change his views and mend your broken relationship. I don't think there is hope to waiting. Please do what the other commenters say - break contact, stop letting him stay over, tell everyone, finalise children and financial arrangement. Move on:

Move on to the most important relationship you'll ever have - the one with yourself.

No of course your children are not going to hate you. They will be hurt, Confused and it will take a while for them to adjust to the new routine. You will probably be the one that gets the most of this as you are the main care giver. But you will get through it.
But one thing i will say , is that the older the kids get the harder it will be.

He has made his choice, he needs to put on his big boy pants and have the courage of his convictions.

He is not doing you a favour by giving you money - it is for your kids and they are legally entitled to it. My Ex pays for his children, it does not entitle him to stay in my home and have me running around after him like a domestic servant.
They are his kids - Its his responsibility to provide a safe environment . Until such time as he is able to this then HE can arrange to collect them and return them the same day. - If however he does this i would suggest you relook at how much maintenance he should be paying.

He is putting his own need to look good and dutiful in front of his parents and friends ahead of doing the decent thing by either you or your children, You are allowing him to do this, but you can stop it.

Do not allow yourself to be blackmailed or pushed into doing something that is for his benefit.
What is best for your children is a clear boundary of the relationship between their mum and dad, anything else with cause them more hurt and confusion.
He is not entitled to a say in your life as long as the choices you are making to not affect the children's well being. At the moment you are living a lie, and being treated with something close to contempt.
You don't need to live like this anymore, you don't have to lie to your friends family or children anymore. You can take the time out from running him about and cooking his meals to actually spend time trying to remember who you are and start valuing yourself - You are worth so much more than this. Don't cling onto a broken past or else you could be missing out on something wonderful in the future

I get it, I really do but you are enabling his behaviour because you'd rather have the crumbs of a relationship than nothing at all. If this is the effect of your lack of boundaries are having on you, imagine what it will do to your kids when they discover Mum and Dad have been lying to them.

This man is in a relationship and it isn't with you. You will always have a past with him but it isn't your present and exposing yourself so readily to his shit isn't a shortcut to go back in time.

My advice, is to let go, I mean really let go. Establish a contact routine that doesn't enable him to stay in his cushy 'it's everyone's else's responsibility to facilitate my selfishness' world. Stop calling it a rent top up (you enable his Mr generous act by calling it that) and start calling it child maintenance (his legal and moral responsibility for mainting his children).

You can not change his self absorption but you can stop enabling and fascinating It. Take back the power you've surrendered to this man and start looking after yourself because this man can't and won't.

Your children will find it harder to accept the change if you don't.