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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Totally f.......ed off with partner

16 replies

charley30 · 03/12/2016 23:14

sorry the person who lives in my house who cannot look after his family and it kills him to give me money for food or for my daughter . I'm sooo worried about Christmas it would take so much stress of me to be able to go out and get what I need and stop worrying and stressing I'm paying for everything' myself he will pay for half of the bills in the house .as that is all he cares about I'm so unhappy . I haven't worked in ten years to look after my daughter . As iv no family near . And he never helped . Iv done it all myself . I need help I can't think wat I can do to get money . Advise please

OP posts:

NadoligLlawenAmser · 03/12/2016 23:22

Why cant you work? You said you havent worked in ten years to look after your daughter? Does she not go to school? Just trying to understand.

Original poster

charley30 · 04/12/2016 00:04

Yes she does . I came out of work to look after her as I had no support . I just lost my confidence her dad is very controlling . And I wasn't strong enuf to argue then .but I got unwell and it just spiralled iv loved being a stay at home mum but I ended up depressed and anxious and going bk just got harder . Ithe stress of never having any money has worn me down .iv paid for everything to give my 10 yr old a good start but neglected myself . He's used me for the house he really doesn't live me or support me and knows I'm fragile but I'm strong enuf to see that this is wrong and he will never change and I want to have the nice things I need to feel good about me he would be happy I never cared about me I see that now . I feel he has always been the cause of my problems . But never having enuf money is killing me . I always get there I just so want it to be easier x

OP posts:

FastWindow · 04/12/2016 00:16

You say you came out of work to look after her, but she's 10 now. I have two dc 6 and 3 and i have to work to look after them. If i came out of work they would have nothing. Why did you leave work in the first place, and at what age (not you, your dc) ?

How has he 'used you for the house'?

anxiousnow · 04/12/2016 00:26

Hi Op, do you want to leave your H? Have you tried talking about how depressed you are feeling.
If you feel the marriage is over you will get more help than you thinking working school hours to suit your daughter.

DollyPlastic · 04/12/2016 00:29

If you're unemployed, how are you managing to pay for 'everything'?

ravenmum · 04/12/2016 00:33

What kind of job did you have before? Do you think you could start out with something simple like cleaning, temping in a factory, even a paper round? I bet you will find that once you actually start, you will get back into it. Ideally somewhere with workmates you could talk to, as you sound quite isolated.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 04/12/2016 00:48

He's used you for the house? Is your home in your name? Your name only?
Is he your daughter's father?

Topseyt · 04/12/2016 02:52

for you OP. I was in your situation a while back having had to take a similar length of time out of the workplace to bring up the children. I didn't go back to work untttgey were in secondary school and I felt happy to leave them on their own for short periods. I hadn't any family support network living nearby, and the cost of childcare had cancelled out my earnings.

My DH just didn't seem to understand what I had given up and the whole situation was shit. Nearly split us up and would have done if he hadn't realised what an arse he was being (I found my backbone too and began fighting back strongly, which helped me but isn't right in every case).

I can only think that people appearing to criticise you here have never been in such a position.

Topseyt · 04/12/2016 02:54

*until they were in secondary school!!

mamakena · 04/12/2016 04:22

I think OP is saying, partner is not her daughter's father; he moved into her house and isn't pulling his weight. Sounds like she lives on maintenance from ex, and/or child benefits.... Am I right OP?

user1471451259 · 04/12/2016 05:36

If you're claiming benefits as a single parent and haven't told the benefits agency that you have a live in partner then I'm not particularly sympathetic, tbh.

If you enable and collude with a cocklodger for benefits then of course he's not going to contribute. He will see it that you are being supported nicely and adequately by the State and therefore his money is for himself.

If that isn't the situation, then I apologise for the wrong assumption.

Either way he's not really a 'partner' is he?

Thattimeofyearagain · 04/12/2016 08:56

Tell him to leave, he is adding nothing to your life but stress.

Idrinkandiknowstuff · 04/12/2016 11:57

Sorry, struggling to understand. Is he paying half the bills?

Original poster

charley30 · 04/12/2016 21:50

Hi sorry I'm just on and thank you for replies .yes he is my daughters father I loved him once but after struggling for so long and dealing with the depression I have realised he is the problem . I still am afraid though of being on my own . Please be nice . The girl who has been in my position seems to understand . Thank u . Yes I had no one to help me look after my daughter but also because I was unwell . No help from the state btw I only get for my daughter . I have next to nothing and yes his money is his own . He used to give me house keeping money for food but that has stopped . He is making a total fool of me yes . I'm trying to get stronger . I just don't know how to get out of this spiral . I have too much resentment but I need to be in a good place mentally and physically to deal with all the crsp he's going to give me . He will not realise himself as he's on a pigs back so to speak . I hear you . I have enabled the situ by not getting out sooner but I honestly Thot I was doing rite by my daughter . Now I'm a shadow of the girl I was and that is not good for my daughter . Yes half of mortgage oil electric but not food or clothing or clubs . Help me be strong and be helpful . I'm scared .

OP posts:

GiddyOnZackHunt · 05/12/2016 00:22

Ok. So you may actually be better off financially if you leave him. You'll both be better off emotionally.
You've made the first step already. You have asked for help because you can't live with this abusive man. Well done :) You are realising this isn't right.
Do you have any friends or family who could take you in as an emergency? I know you say not nearby but we're heading towards school holidays so you could pull dd out of school now and go to family. Call school once you are gone to explain. Claim benefits for you and her. If you can find somewhere to rent go back or stay near family. Take paperwork and photos and leave.

AyeAmarok · 05/12/2016 06:59

How does the other half of the mortgage and bills get paid by you if your only income is child benefit? Have you some savings stashed away that you use? Whose name is the house in?

Is your DP in full time employment? Or self-employed? (thinking maintenance).

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