I think my marriage is failing before my eyes

[AndNothingElseMatters]

And I have no idea what to do.

Been married to DH for four years. We have a DD who is two, and I am newly pregnant with DC2. DC2 was planned and wanted, but I must admit we were both shocked by how quickly it happened. It's taken us slightly longer than with DD to get our heads round it, and to feel happy about it. That's terrible, I know.

God I don't even know where to start with this.

DH is a good person. He's always been a good husband, he's a wonderful father. Devoted to DD, who worships the ground he walks on. He works long hours in a very high pressured job. I do the same job, but part time, which has its own challenges. He does his share of the housework, probably more recently as I've been quite sick this time round. He has never been hugely house proud but he does what needs doing.

So I guess we had some money worries following my mat leave with DD but we're getting back on our feet and we are saving so it should be ok this time round. DH gets quite stressed about money. I don't, I don't really care if we're skint, as long as the bills are covered, which they are. We don't have a massive amount of disposable income is all. This is a bone of contention. He thinks I'm flippant and sticking my head in the sand. I just genuinely don't think it's as big a problem as he does.

We have had a really, really busy couple of months. Something planned every single weekend from end of October to Christmas, really. Basically a lot of running around, trying to keep family happy, going away for weekends paid by them because they want to spend time with us and DD, that sort of thing. It's been great but in truth we are exhausted and it has become apparent to me that DH might be struggling to cope a little bit.

The house is a bombsite. This is because a. resident toddler and accompanying toy mountain, b. we have hardly been there recently, and c. I'm too tired and sick to get stuck into it on my days off just now. But this will pass.

For some reason, this has started to wind DH up. He doesn't blame me or anything like that, he just never sits down, he seems to have forgotten how to relax. He comes home, we get DD to bed, and we do housework. It's like he feels an overwhelming responsibility to do everything because I can't right now. I've said to just let it slide a bit, it's messy but it's not dirty etc, but he just can't.

He's suddenly become really snippy with me, which is hugely out of character for him. Very sulky and withdrawn. The last weekend away we went on, with my family, he was so quiet and grumpy it was embarrassing. I'm finding this very hurtful and hard to deal with.

He's away this weekend with some friends. I had to make him go, and I hope he's relaxing a little bit. But we had a horrible argument this morning before he left and to be honest I don't really understand why. I said I wanted him to take some warmer clothes. He went off on one, saying I was treating him like an idiot, nagging etc. This is massively out of character for him. He left without saying bye or anything. Said his usual goodbye to DD and stormed out.

He has since texted and apologised. Doesn't want to fall out, loves me so much etc. I just don't have the energy. I think he's stressed but I can't understand why, because I'm not stressed and its the same stuff going on, if that makes sense. The stuff he's worrying about seems so minor. He says it's just been such a busy time and he'll feel better after Christmas, but I don't know.

I just don't think he likes me any more.

Tbh, he sounds absolutely exhausted. You all need to take a break now before someone has a breakdown!

But there is no need for him to be exhausted. No one is putting him under any pressure except himself.

He's under pressure because you're expecting again, he's trying to look after you all, there's extra pressure impending with future finance, which you said yourself does bother him and the poor man needs a weekend off. Give him a break before Christmas is a stress filled nightmare. You're pregnant and feeling sick too, you shouldn't feel pressure from family at a time like this.

Slow down a bit.

I've tried to talk to him. He won't talk to me. Just says he's fine and he doesn't mean to be snippy etc.

We have had a really, really busy couple of months. Something planned every single weekend from end of October to Christmas, really. Basically a lot of running around, trying to keep family happy, going away for weekends paid by them because they want to spend time with us and DD, that sort of thing. It's been great but in truth we are exhausted and it has become apparent to me that DH might be struggling to cope a little bit.

Just so I understand. You are pregnant, a fact that you have both had to spend time coming to terms with. He worries about money. You don't. And your (or his) family are paying for lots of weekends away

I would say that his pride is hurt. He may feel that he has to be grateful for something which he should be paying for himself, or which he would not have chosen

I have to say - and I'm not in any way blaming you - it sounds very understandable to me. And I speak as someone in the grandparent position, paying for weekends away. I worry for us about resentment building up, when we are only trying to be nice and inclusive. Many trigger points with men relate to their concept of themselves as the provider, however old fashioned that might seem

And he has said he's sorry

What makes him think it's all his job and what does he think will happen if he does t do the jobs?

I have done this in the same position as your husband and the o to thing that tstooped me was a good rest (provoked by being ill) and a short course of counselling to help me be kinder to myself before I drove myself into the ground. Bit it was me who had to choose to do it, my wife could t persuade me until I was ready so I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to help your DH help himself...

I can so easily see how he might think that if you guys can't cope now the how are you going to when the new baby comes etc etc, but it's not true.

Hugs for you both xx

Sorry for the typos, blimmin autocorrect...

You both need a rest. Weekends away are hard, nice though they are.

You don't seem to be taking him seriously. More or less just brushing him off.

He has money worries. Just because you aren't worried will not remove his worry. You assume he should feel the same as you. He doesn't.

He is doing lots of housework because you are doing less. It must be exhausting but he's not making a fuss about it, just cracking on. You feel he should ignore the housework. He doesn't. Again you assume he should feel the same as you.

How about taking him seriously.

The money woerued he has feel very real to him. So how can you help with that?

He sounds exhausted. How can you work together to help with that?

Sounds like he has a lot on his plate and needs a proper break but not like the end of your marriage that's a bit of a leap.He is having a tough time - not getting the recuperation at weekends - worrying about money and the new baby.He sounds like a good bloke to me .He apologies when he realises he has been out of order. You need to make sure he gets a quiet weekend next weekend in a tidy house. Even pay one of those one off cleaners xx

You lost me a bit on 'messy not dirty'. It's so personal how that is interpreted. Your 'messy not dirty' might be his 'messy and dirty'.
In which case you can understand why he is taking up the baton and cleaning when you understandably do not.

It is exhausting worrying about money and cleaning up after a toddler. That is the definition of stressful.
What are you having difficulty understanding that?

Your hearing him but not listening to him. Stop all the running about at weekends. It sounds exhausting.

I agree with Fate, why are you brushing him off?

It's a bit of a leap to think that your marriage is failing.

The criticism of me is entirely fair. I know I'm not handling this well. The most illuminating thing I've read is that I'm not taking him seriously. That's spot on, and I feel very ashamed. But the truth is I don't know how to help him.

Looking after a toddler isn't easy but you just get on with it, don't you? I mean what else do you do? He loves her to pieces.

The argument this morning was the worst we've had TBH. It wasn't a screaming match but we both said some horrible things. We've both apologised. It left me feeling down and flat and what if he has just gone off me and thinks I'm awful.

The busy weekends thing is not the norm for us. It's just been an unfortunate few weeks, demands from both my family and his, and a lot of work stuff too.

Tomorrow I'm going to try to solve our storage problems. Maybe that'll help?

And you're right. I have been brushing him off. But he's a real worrier and sometimes (not always) his worries are, frankly, ridiculous and unrealistic and sometimes I find it hard to be patient. But I'm going to work on that. Hard.

Funny how there are other posters who would love to have a DP who worries about money!

It sounds like you're doing a good job, listening to comments, and reviewing how you're going to do things in future

Maybe his worries are not frankly ridiculous and unrealistic OP. Maybe he knows more than he is letting on? Perhaps the money problems are real, genuinely real. He wouldn't be the first man to keep the nitty gritty reality away from the pregnant and busy wife. In his shoes, whether there are actual money issues or not, your 'relaxed' attitude to the money side would irritate the hell out of me as it would make me feel we are not on the same page. Maybe sit down over a coffee and get some figures on paper. If he is reluctant, insist on it as it's only by ventilating this problem that a solution can be arrived at.
When I met my now DH he was truly terrible with money. He was in a fair bit of debt and loved to spend it on stuff he didn't really want (there's loads of stuff here he has never used) or need. I am much better with money than he is and had savings. We had several head to heads about what we would spend on and what we would not. We got the debt sorted at a lower rate and he has now realised how nice it is to have a bit of money behind us and he is in this position for the first time in his life.

As he seems so worried to the point it is causing rows of this magnitude, there is substance to his worries surely?

Looking after a toddler isn't easy but you just get on with it, don't you? I mean what else do you do?

Yes, you just get on with it. But make life as simple as possible through the exhaustion.

Sleep and relaxation over socialising.
Sofa cuddles instead of "duty visits" to places.
Talk about household chores and prioritise.

You need to agree on the household take priority. It is executable that one person's "that has to be done every week" will be another person's "that can wait until I'm not knackered, which might be a couple of months". To expect he'll think the same as you is unreasonable. He never will because you are both individual people with different minds.

So talk. NOT with the view of making him see what tasks really are priority and making him see his priority tasks are not priorities.

Talk with the view of reaching an agreement. You're both knackered so what can be done less frequently that you both agree with?

Is it feasible to get a cleaner or someone to do the ironing.

Could you buy a tumble drier? Clothes folded straight from the drier finishing usually don't need ironing.

Drop your standards on meals for a while. Frozen-straight-into-the-oven stuff is fine for a while if it gets you through first trimester exhaustion.

Could you do housework together and set a time limit? Even if your pace is slower, agreeing that you'll both do chores for 30m or 60m or whatever may help in supporting each other.

Would both of you going to bed an hour earlier every night help?

What do you do in the evenings? When DH and I agree to reduce "individual screen time" (ie phone use that creates seperateness) and instead cuddled together watching tv - we naturally become closer and more supportive of each other.

Corrections

You need to agree on the household take task priority. It is executable expected that one person's "that has to be done every week" will be another person's "that can wait until I'm not knackered, which might be a couple of months".

Ah man, I think I WAS your husband when I was preggo! And he was you...we had constant bickering/snippiness with intermittent explosions because our housework priorities and financial outlooks just didn't match.

I agree with the PP who have essentially said that your 'frankly ridiculous' is probably his 'genuinely terrifying', and he is likely feeling misunderstood and a bit lonely. You sound like a very practical and positive person but not everyone is able to meet stress in this way - maybe he just needs a cuddle and some empathy?

Good luck!

Looking after a toddler isn't easy. Busy weekends aren't easy either. Sometimes the choices we make bite us. So think about your choices and the consequences. Take a step back.