Feeling totally betrayed

[dementiawidow]

DH has early-onset dementia and is now in a home. I have been going through his papers trying to get a grip on everything, file his tax and so on, and today I came across an envelope very securely bound up, labelled 1995-7, and saying "private, no commercial value". I opened the envelope not to pry, but because he has been suffering from dementia-related disordered thinking for some time and anything he has dealt with is in a mess, so I need to look at everything to straighten it out.
Anyway, I was totally shocked to find this envelope contained love letters from not one but 3 different affairs during these years, which was during his previous marriage. It's important to say this was years before I was on the scene, but still we have talked about those times, and never ever has he mentioned this. In fact he portrayed me a very different picture.
I feel completely betrayed because I thought we had a relationship based on honesty, integrity and trust. I just had no idea of this. I feel like all the years of happiness that I have treasured might as well be a house of cards.
The worst part is that now he has dementia, I can't even confront him about it. And I am so so angry, but I have a responsibility to keep visiting him and being a good wife. But actually I just want to walk away now.
Am I seeing this right? Is there any way of coping with this? Am I over-reacting? Life is really difficult right now anyway, and this is such a devastating blow that calls everything into question.

Give yourself time to absorb this. Don't make any rash decisions. Your world has been rocked on several levels.

If it's important for you to say that this was 'years before you were on the scene' then yes, I think you're overreacting a bit. People change and you have no idea what went on in his first marriage either, he didn't and doesn't need to share that information with you. If he wasn't in these current sad circumstances then you wouldn't have known.

Why do you think it impacts on your marriage in any way?

I have huge sympathy for you in dealing with dementia in a person you love, it's very, very tough. Please do try to separate your marriage from what happened before he ever knew you because no good will come from this and, as you say, you cannot ask him about this anyway.

I understand how it would make you feel as if you question your whole relationship but in reality, this happened before you . If he fell in love with you and knew that he would behave differently with you then he may not have wanted to share this with you as you might have then give on to distrust him.

That's really tough. Really tough.

Perhaps he didn't tell you because he was ashamed of that time in his life. But I would be similar to you in that I would feel like my whole life had been based on a persona that wasn't real.

Be kind to yourself. From what you say, YOUR relationship was strong and honest, and that hasn't really changed.

*gone on

I'm sorry you are having a hard time of things just now, it doesn't sound easy at all. In the most gentle way, I think you are over reacting. It wasn't your relationship. He maybe never told you as then you would be suspicious of his intentions when with you and he knew he'd never do that to you.

People can be completely different in one relationship to the next. It's not really something you'd tell down one is it? It must be so frustrating not being able to talk about it.

I would be shocked but this was a long time ago and nothing to do with your relationship. I would try and accept that you can't talk to him about it, and let it be.

Although it's understandable that you are feeling upset and maybe a little shocked at what you have discovered, you have already said that these letters were written before your DH had even met you.
Maybe he regretted what had happened during his first marriage and just wanted to make a fresh start with you, leaving behind his regrets and infidelity, so he wasn't as honest as he should have been.
Although this indiscretion during his first marriage puts his behaviour then in a poor light, it does not wholly reflect on what his relationship has been like with you over the years you have been together.
Try to be kind to yourself and give yourself time to reflect and remember the loving , positive times you've had as a couple. The fact that you are having to manage without him now, even though he is still in your life, is like a ongoing bereavement and no doubt will be very upsetting for you to deal with.
It is very sad that you cannot speak to him about it due to his dementia, maybe if you feel you need to discuss the matter further you could tentatively ask his closest friend or one of his family whom he is close to.

I'd never tell you you were overreacting, you feel how you feel and are entitled to those feelings. The man you love isn't what you thought he was and the dementia has taken the man you thought he was too.

You know you're not going to get any closure on this because you can't talk it through and I can appreciate it's not something you'd like to talk through with anyone who has know him for a long time either, however useful this might have been to you.

You have my deepest sympathies

Thank you for your kind messages. They really help. Yes, it's true I have never had cause to doubt him. We have had a good marriage and he has always said with me it was "it". But I still find it difficult to reconcile the fact that he had told me he had never had an affair (in his previous marriage) and also the fact that one of these woman he had only ever portrayed to me as a kind of fleeting work friend. So it's just that it undermines my vision of him as a man of integrity. And I can't fix it. And the whole thing is so appalling and devastating anyway, the dementia, I mean. It's just a body blow that I feel like I can't cope with right now.
And also, I am on good terms with his first wife (because I always wanted to make sure things were good for his DC, who are now grown up). She said to me long ago "you will find DH tells lies" and I thought to myself "no". But hey she was right. I feel a fool.

God - that's so tough. I don't have anything very helpful to add, but I really feel for you.

Could it be though, that - imperfect as he is - your marriage and your love brought out the best in him? After all, you have no reason to think that he has ever been unfaithful or dishonest when he's been with you.

dementiawidow, with every gentleness intended... do you think you might be looking for something to excuse the righteous anger and despair that you feel about your husband's illness? The fact that he has, in effect, left you and you can no longer reach him? Can't talk and have him listen effectively? Forego your 'relationship' for all the things that it was, good and bad?

He hasn't left you, but he's not staying with you either. That would be very tough for me without anything else going on.

With respect, what your husband ex-wife says is really not relevant to you because she is not you and you are not she - and your husband isn't the man he was when he was married to her. He is now married to you and whilst 'dalliances' may not have constituted an affair in his mind when he was with his wife, they certainly meant something different when he met and married you.

What I'm trying (very clumsily) to say is that you are comparing apples and pears.

I mean that, all the mistakes that I've made in my current marriage, if I were to meet and marry somebody else, I would present my best side and I would tell myself that I have learned from the mistakes that I made and I'm not that person anymore - so I wouldn't necessarily tell my 'new husband' that I used to be this or did that, because it's just wouldn't be relevant to me. Your husband may also be of the same view, ie. "Ok, from this point forward this is how it is...". And it was, wasn't it? He was absolutely faithful to you and still is and will always be.

You have enough going on with his dementia. Make no quick decisions because you would dwell on them and may regret them later on. Try to isolate the nub of the matter and forgive him for it, because there really is nothing else you can do. If, as his illness progresses, you want to leave, well, there will be nothing stopping you as he probably won't even register it or be able to.

There is dementia in my family history and it's truly terrifying. I wish you peace and eventual happiness, I truly do.

I can understand how you feel op.

He isn't the honest man of integrity you thought he was. He lied to his first wife about those affairs, and he lied to you about his first marriage and relationship history.

In addition, three affairs in two years? That's quite something. These could be the tip of the iceberg.

I'm sorry I'm not saying anything to make you feel better. It turns out your dh wasn't a very nice man. But there is every chance he was faithful to you, and loved you honestly. It must be a bitter pill that you can't challenge him about it, or get answers.

Well it's a betrayal of your trust in him, yes. Who he told you he was has gone, as it was a lie.. Plus with the dementia, he's slipping away in the present day too..

Hope you're having counselling / support?

So here I am back again. I've now actually read all the letters in detail and have realised it was not several affairs, it was one long affair (the signature and hand-writing changed). It lasted 8 YEARS (of his previous marriage). And he never told me. In fact, when I asked him about this "friend" (because she was mentioned fleetingly), he just dismissed it as nothing. Every single place or thing that was dear to my memory, he did with her first. Places we visited, romantic weekends, favourite music, even the reading we had at our wedding! I am absolutely destroyed. My son tells me not to confront him because it is completely pointless and "like tormenting a shell or a ghost" but how on earth do I find my way through this?

I want to find out her surname and track her down and talk to her. Is this mad? Is there any point in this? (Not angry with her obviously, she must have been quite hurt herself). I am just desperate for understanding.

Oh love, I have nothing tangible to offer, but I'm so sorry that you're going through this, all of this, it's awful.

Your feelings are 100% valid. You have a right to the hurt, the betrayal and the anger.

Express them here, rant and rave if that helps you.

I know that confronting your h won't yield anything in the way of resolving any of his for you

I cheated on my exH. Our relationship had suffered badly because of another event and I truly didn't care at the time that I had hurt him. I feel bad now, and whilst I can't take it back it did teach me that I would never EVER do such a thing to someone again. The amount of hurt and upset I know I caused pains me still now even though I HATED him due to the other events (which almost destroyed my life). What I'm trying to say is that just because someone has done something once does not mean that they will do it again. No matter what the circumstances, I would never put someone through what I did before, I just wouldn't. People change, and if you've no reason to doubt your relationship then you shouldn't.

I cant think of any good reason why he would have told you about the affairs. Why put doubt in your mind about him when there doesn't need to be any? If there's no other way of finding out (or at least he didn't think so) then why risk telling you and ruining what you have? If someone admits to being a cheat a lot of people would think "they never change" so the risk for him telling you was huge.