Disagree on the big stuff

[AJMcF]

I need some advice.
DH and I seem to get along very well on a daily level.
It is however more a friendship than a marriage at the moment, we have talked about this extensively but we never seem to do anything about it. This is the crux of all the problems IMO.

I struggle to see a way out of this. We never agree on the big things. Our timing is always out. I feel like I drag him into everything. For example, we decide to get a puppy but for five years now it is never the right time in his world. There is always a reason not to do it.

It seems all we do it talk but never make decisions.

I guess I am a little tired. I am tired of pushing our life along. I feel like I have forced him into a life he doesn't want and I'm guilty about that.

Is anyone else's marriage like this? How can I encourage him to make decisions?

I can't help with the other stuff but regarding the puppy I think he doesn't want one at all, but postpones rather than saying no to avoid an argument.

What sort of decisions do you need him to make? He is allowed to disagree. I guess your decision is whether you're happy with that, willing to compromise or want out.

I completely agree on the dog front. To be honest we don't argue. We just talk about it and I will say 'it is 100% ok if you don't, just stop telling DD you will do it'.

I suppose I think I just need him to be more assertive. Essentially we are in the process of picking schools. We have visited all the schools in our area. There are two of them deemed 'very good' but he is just ever so reluctant to offer an opinion.
He has told me he is scared to make the wrong decision so he just choses not to decide.

What would happen if he made the wrong decision?

What does he think would happen?

What kind of a person are you when it comes to decision-making?

In my mind if he made the wrong decision we could just make a new decision. I think nothing is irreversible. He seems to panic over the big things. Having babies, Schools, job moves, moving house (the list is endless).

However in his mind, he thinks if he makes the wrong decision it is the it is the worst case scenario. So currently with the schools, he thinks DD will hate it and we won't ever be able to move her out of it if she does.

I make all out decisions as a family. I like to do a bit of research but once I am happy I just go for it.

Gosh typing this I just sound like a moan!! He is honestly a good man. I just need him to help me make these decisions, I'm scared too, but just not doing anything won't get anything done!!!

I feel a bit tired of it if I'm honest, even some input from him would be welcome.

I think it's fair enough to feel frustrated, but I suppose it depends why he's reluctant to make a decision. The way you describe it, he's not an assertive person and is paralysed by fear - which is better than not making a decision because he's disengaged from family life and doesn't give a shit imo.

I doubt he'll change. Personally, if you're otherwise happy, I'd embrace the fact that you're the decision maker and run with it. If you want a puppy, get one. Research the schools and go with your favourite. Lots of women with overbearing partners would probably love it! Maybe give him a date to speak up by, if he wants to, and then do what you want to do.

He's not absolved of blame if any of these decisions don't work out btw. He's just as much to blame as the decision-maker, because he didn't speak up when he had the chance.

God, he sounds like hard work OP!

This would drive me round the bend. Why can't he make a decision? Why do you have to do all the work? It sounds like you are trying to be energetic and decisive, and he is dragging along Iike a bit of a deadweight.

Would he (and you maybe, to get where he is coming from) be willing to read a book? Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway is a classic self-help book on exactly this subject. Both DH and i read it years ago when we were in the midst of a whole lot of life changing decisions and really struggling to know whether we'd done the 'right' thing. Reading this book helped enormously and the lessons have stayed with me.

Sounds like permission to what you think is best if you ask me! There's only so much asking and cajoling into a decision you can do before you're ready to put them under the patio. Ask him once. Tell him if he doesn't come to you with his opinion before x you'll go ahead with your decision.

H can be like this. He will say "but what if we do X and its wrong?" and I have to nag (and yes it does feel like nagging) that if we dont do anything at all then the worst case scenario will be more wrong. Schools for example. Making no decision at all means that you get left with what you are given whether it is right for the DC or not, so more wrong than a "not perfect but it could be worse" school. Yet it takes soooo bloody long to get that into him. I often just dont discuss things now if I know I will get a "I dont know, you choose" on something that really should be a joint decision.

I am so glad that we have never had to buy a new house, that would be a complete fucking nightmare!

I meant to add that it is blame avoidance for H. He will say "Well if I say X and its wrong then you will blame me" and while I think he believes that to be the case it isnt actually true. The truth is that he will blame him and he hates the thought of that. So if I make the wrong decision then its ok because it wasnt him that made it. He would never be an arse with me about it for getting it wrong, but he would feel relief that the blame isnt on him.

Bogey anytime you need an alibi, I'll be there for you.

Sadly the patio is fairly new

As a control freak it actually quite suits me to make all the decisions, but occasionally I get a nudge from my conscience telling me that I should involve him and then we get the "Whatever you think". I should tell my Jiminy Cricket to fuck off I think, I seem to manage better without it!

Oh and he did make the decision on our most recent car, despite being a non driver! I was wavering as it was such a lot of money and he said "I like this one, lets get this one" with such certainty I think I bought it in a state of shock :o

He was right too, damn him!

😂😂

Keep telling him what a GREAT DECISION he made, it might give him some confidence.

I honestly don't have the patience for that sort of crap anymore.

I don't mind digging up my patio for you...

You are all being unfair about 'blame avoidance', and I say this as a husband myself who suffers from what, to an outsider, might appear to be a similar 'lack of engagement' (to use a favourite MN phrase). The indecisiveness is anxiety, not malice, and it can be genuinely crippling. I come from a background where, as a child, I felt my performance/achievements were constantly under scrutiny and, as an adult, it has manifested as a fear of committing to a plan of action, lest it turns out to be a poor choice. I know it annoys DW at times, but I don't do it to be mean.

I have found that a CBT style approach has been the only thing that works for me; I discuss, ensure that I have researched my options and support from those around me but, ultimately, the only thing that works is to then force myself to jump in with both feet to an option. Any other approach leaves me agonising over the minutiae for days. I have also found the old (Eleanor Roosevelt?) quote to be of great help. I'm paraphrasing, but the jist is that in any situation you have 3 choices: the best choice is the right choice, the next best choice is the wrong choice and the worst choice is to do nothing.

Try talking and listening to your other half, if he will - it may be that he feels paralysed or swamped by the implications of the choices in front of him and needs assistance to see them for what they are, i.e. non-binding and transient.

Is there an aversion to change? It took me over 15yrs to get DH to agree to a takeaway on the same night I fancied one. His default setting is 'no'. He couldn't come up with any kids names, just said 'no' to all the ones I came up with. I've had to give deadlines and point out to him that he can't expect to be taken into consideration of he doesn't engage properly.
In your case, I would put a deadline in place and say 'it will work best if we get a dog in the spring, so I'm going to start looking now.'
You have to be a bit more assertive, I think.

Thank you everyone for the advice.

I would be definitely willing to read a book, thank you for recommending.

Bogeyface, I feel like I am nagging him constantly. He is the same, won't even pick a bloody take away. I normally don't mind making decisions tok but I feel like I'm just dragging him along.
The dog thing was just an example. I used that one as he is telling DD we will get a dog (she has wanted one for years). I detest him being his undecisive self with me but she doesn't understand.

I'm regards to the schools, our application needs to be done just after Christmas. I will give him to Christmas and tell him I will just put my choices if he doesn't want to engage in fundamental choices!!

He is the same, won't even pick a bloody take away

What? So what happens - do you order for him or just don't get him anything? i mean this is ridiculous.

In my house, at first, there would be no take away. I had to 'plant the idea', giving him lots of time to get used to it, so we could have one next week, let's say Thursday. Eventually he has got used to the idea that we can have a takeaway the same day. Not often though! And since it took 2hours for the last one to be delivered, he won't have it again at the moment. We rarely go to new restaurants, either. Only ones we've been to before.

We research holidays for months and end up not going because it isn't the perfect holiday at the perfect price. Once he finds a good solution though, he's enthusiastic. So we keep going on cruises because he's good at finding and booking them.

He sorts out all the money though, very well, no hassle, because that is an area he is extremely confident with.

People come in all sorts of types!

Pklme, I could have written that post.

I feel like I have to hold him down for decisions. However, he does handle money in our house and I never have to worry about bills etc.

However, I was hoping he would be more assertive when it came to the big things. Like what school we send our children.

I have given him a deadline now and if it works we will just do this from now on. I will give up on the spontaneous take aways though! Glad that isn't just us!!

That's funny! Glad to know it's not just us! He comes round eventually (over several years!) if I'm patient and don't push too hard.
Wouldn't it be nice to have a dog. DC would love a dog. Let's get a dog when DS2 is three. I've worked out we have time for a dog now. I've been looking for a dog. Come and meet the dog. So this is the dog I've arranged to bring home.
He loved the dog. He loves the dog we got as a replacement for the dog. But he would never have got a dog.