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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Marriage over?

12 replies

Tetley08 · 03/12/2016 11:18

I think my marriage is over.
We've had a lot of problems the past few years, he had an affair and the ramifications of that have been really hard to deal with but I've tried to move on as best as I can. He's had issues with drinking but has this last month acknowledged he has a problem & has cut back significantly....it too early days to see if this is a permanent thing or just something he's doing to 'prove' he's not alcoholic.
The latest issues, (or perhaps this has been the issue all along), is that about 6 months ago he told me he didn't enjoy having sex with me. God I feel so ashamed about this. About 2 months ago he told me he didn't fancy me when I asked him why he never wanted to have sex anymore. I feel so very hurt and lost. When I try to talk to him about things it just escalates into an argument. Today he said he can't talk to me about this stuff because I just get upset and angry which is true. What really hurts is that he hasn't in any way tried to make me feel better about things, he knows how upset I've been, he's seen me crying and yet he doesn't say or do anything to reassure me. He did say a while ago that he thinks he feels this way because we've been arguing a lot & he hopes that if we can get our relationship back on track then maybe things will improve, but I had to nag and prise this out of him. I feel so very ashamed & angry. I think I'd rather be alone than with somebody who makes me feel this way about myself.

OP posts:

ImprovisingNow · 03/12/2016 12:43

Well he's not exactly trying to make things better is he? In fact he is doing everything he can to make you feel worse and inadequate when he should be grateful that you took him back after his affair.

It sounds so much like my old marriage it actually gave me a bit of a flashback. My exH was an emotionally abusive twat who was not man enough to say he wanted out so decided to drive me to do the deed by being horrible to me. It sounds as if yours is cut from the same cloth.

Believe me you'll be so much better off without him!

Original poster

Tetley08 · 03/12/2016 13:05

Yeah that's how I feel sometimes...he doesn't want to be the one that ends it so he's making things as tough as possible. He wants to look like the 'good guy' to all his friends, he wants to be able to say I was the one who left not him.
I asked him to go to counselling about 2 months ago saying I'd go too. I've been having individual sessions but he keeps making excuses as to why he hasn't bothered yet.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 03/12/2016 13:11

Then be the one that leaves him. Nothing wrong with that if things haven't changed. Sounds like you would be happier apart. Honestly though are you sure he isn't still seeing someone else? He's not engaging with you and sounds like he doesn't care to me which is a bit of a red flag x

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 03/12/2016 14:42

if i were you, i'd end this marriage happily.
anything including being alone would be better than this.

Hermonie2016 · 03/12/2016 15:10

I feel for you. Like you my stbxh disconnected from me, finding fault constantly.When I tried to talk he would just shut it down and get angry.Then I was the accused of being angry if I responded.
It's a no win situation.

Your H has issues and seems to use alcohol and affairs as escaping. The hardest part of this is accepting you cant make him change.He has to want to.

All you can do is decide you either deserve better or you will and can tolerate this for a period of time.

Do you really want the marriage as it is now?

I am now separated but still a part of me hopes my old H would reappear.When I have these moments I look back in my journal and read how awful has had been at times.

Maybe you are at the start of the end, give yourself a timeframe to see if things change but put in place firm boundaries.Dont accept him treating you badly and try not to be over emotional as I feel it just leads to disrespect rather than kindness.

thestamp · 03/12/2016 15:20

So sorry OP.

I think you should take control very quickly. See a solicitor and get the papers on the go. This is a miserable situation and you don't need to do this anymore.

Counselling can work when both parties really want it to (although sometimes even then it doesn't tbh). You're talking about a man who really isn't arsed and who quite cruelly would like you to do the dirty work (as it were). Fuck that.

Divorce him, take some time to cry, and move on with your life. You'll be so much happier.

Remember he's just one person. Don't let him determine your self worth. You are more than what a man thinks of you.

Original poster

Tetley08 · 03/12/2016 16:12

I was going to give it till the new year. I won't mention the counselling again and I'll see if he makes effort to go.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tetley08 · 03/12/2016 16:40

Sorry hit post before I finished.
I'm prettying sure he won't make any effort and won't arrange counselling for himself. When we talk it's like he thinks I'm the one with the problem, I have low self esteem issues and that's my problem to sort out. He can't understand that my insecurities have arisen because of him & how he's treated me & the things he's said. As my husband surely he should want to reassure me & want me to feel good about myself?

OP posts:

timelytess · 03/12/2016 16:44

He's a nasty man.
He's not trying to reassure you, or make you feel good - he's actively trying to make you feel bad about yourself. You think your self-esteem issues stem from being with him and if you're right, getting him out of your life will help a lot. Then you can go to counselling alone, for yourself, to restore your self-esteem. As suggested above, see a solicitor. As MNers say, 'Get your ducks in a row'.

tallwivglasses · 03/12/2016 18:51

I wouldn't be able to live like this. It's tough enough being with a partner who avoids sex let alone tells you he doesn't like it with you. What a shit! When you've tried so hard to move on from the past. I'm getting angry here on your behalf. It's pretty likely OP that there's someone out there who'll think you're the bees knees.

There's only one way to find out..

Original poster

Tetley08 · 03/12/2016 21:37

Thanks for your messages. I don't want the rest of my life to be like this, I'll be devasted to wake up in 5 years time stuck in this same depressing situation with a man who clearly doesn't love or care about me. The idea of splitting up was utterly terrifying a while ago, now the idea is there and I'm starting to think the more terrifying thing would be to stay & put up with this.
It's heart breaking to wonder why I'm not good enough for him or why he seems hell bent on destroying this marriage, but these are questions that I may never be able to answer.

OP posts:

Hermonie2016 · 03/12/2016 21:52

Addictions, affairs and excessive anger ends relationships, it's not you!

It's nothing to do with you, being with him is destroying your confidence.Start to create boundaries, be assertive if he is disrespectful.Try not to react with anger, remember he is likely to do this on purpose so you lose your temper and then he can blame you.

Get yourself support, read books, use YouTube, journal and mediate to keep yourself positive.

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