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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So now what

18 replies

Lolaandstan · 03/12/2016 07:56

Ive had some problems with dh and a girl that we know pm'ing him. It came to a head and I said enough was enough he was hurting me & i didnt feel it was appropriate. He was v narky & reacted ott eventually he agreed not to messsge her.

A few wks have gone by and I have made a real effort for us to talk and reconnect.
Last night he went out on a rugby do for the kids and she was there. I couldn't go as my dd daughter had an after school club. Anyway later when when dh got back his phone kept ringing with pm messages so i asked him who he was messaging. He said his work colleague. Curiosity got the better of me so i checked. All messages last nighy deleted and not one from work colleague. Also checked fb and found he has hidden things she's tagged him in.
I now feel humiliated and betrayed and dont know whether to tackle him.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 03/12/2016 08:01

He's been messaging a girl (how old?) got narky when you asked him to stop, and has been carrying on secretly?

Too right I'd tackle him about it, and he'd likely find his stuff in bin bags too

Original poster
Lolaandstan · 03/12/2016 10:47

I can't prove it cos he's deleted the message but i saw her profile pop up on the screen and he lied about whonhe messaged.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolaandstan · 03/12/2016 17:32

I feel utterly broken i'm suffering from depression and have just been put on tablets which have reacted badly so i haven't slept for 2 nights. I know my if I tackle my dh he will say i don't trust him now (which i am struggling with) eveytime he's on his phone which is most of the time I feel completely paranoid. We are going to a christmas event in two wks and i'm dreading it as she will be there and everytime I get upset I can't stop shaking.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/12/2016 17:35

I think it is pretty clear he has been in touch with this girl the whole time. He has zero respect for you. The only sane thing to do next is to end the relationship.

Goingtobeawesome · 03/12/2016 17:36

You don't need proof. He's got annoyed, he's lied, he's showing he doesn't respect your feelings. If you're happy with that, carry on. If not, do something. He's making you ill. Please tell him he stops everything shitty now or .

AnyFucker · 03/12/2016 17:36

Too right you do not trust him. He is acting in an untrustworthy manner. Don't you dare let him twist this back to being your fault.

Finola1step · 03/12/2016 17:40

When you say girl, do you mean young woman, over the age of consent? The reason I ask is because my advice would be somewhat dependant on the answer.

Original poster
Lolaandstan · 03/12/2016 17:52

Sorry yes. She's a single mum age 32.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 03/12/2016 19:13

Ok but you haven't said whether it's just a friendship thing and you are just being paranoid/jealous or whether he is actually flirting or having an affair. I mean it's possible it's just a friendship but you being upset about it has pushed it into the shadows? Or does he have form for this and it's definitely more?

AnyFucker · 03/12/2016 19:18

does it sound like just a "friendship" to you, jeaux ?

jeaux90 · 03/12/2016 19:24

Anyfucker she hasn't said, just trying to be neutral until there is evidence it's more than plutonic. Read the posts, apart from them being deleted of course which is a red flag she hasn't actually seen any of the messages. Remember the post recently about the woman who is just really jealous and doesn't like her partner "liking" things on Facebook Confused

AnyFucker · 03/12/2016 19:26

I don't think it sounds like this woman is irrationally paranoid.

The bloke sounds untrustworthy

colonelgoldfish · 03/12/2016 19:27

Do you know the content of the messages? When she was doing it previously, not the ones he's deleted.

What kind of stuff was she tagging him in on Facebook?

Have you been around them when out together?

jeaux90 · 03/12/2016 19:29

You are probably right, just want the OP to try and not go over board and perhaps take a step back. Hysteria when there is no evidence is not going to help her approach this rationally. If he is fucking about she needs to catch him out then ltb of course.

AnyFucker · 03/12/2016 19:31

Hysteria ?

I think op has enough people telling her she is crazy to not trust a man who is behaving in thoroughly untrustworthy ways

Msqueen33 · 03/12/2016 19:32

If it's nothing why bother delete the messages or indeed be involved with her at all? It sounds very suspect.

jeaux90 · 03/12/2016 19:37

Look I agree with you all it sounds dodgy but if she has no evidence he will try the "your being crazy" script so she needs to be calm and watch it play out a bit. The social event with them both there will be very telling.

happychristmasbum · 03/12/2016 20:20

TBH you don't trust him neither would I so the relationship is over really. If he was innocent and you told him you were worried about something, the normal reaction would be to comfort and reassure you. Instead he gets narky. Bin him.

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