Please be kind

[Heirhelp]

I am sitting here in tears. I was going to name change but I could not remember my password. I will try not to drip feed but I am so tired and I am struggling to collect my thoughts.

I want to ask my husband to move out but I don't know if this is just a tired over reaction.

Background is we have a nearly 6 month old baby. I have a difficult birth, a very long labour, a crash section with a slow to start recovery and then a 5 day emergency readmittance with spesis. DD And I struggled with breast feeding as she had a tongue tie, we both ended up with thrush due to the antibiotics, I ended up with reduced supply due to the antibiotics and she had undiagnosed reflux (finally medicated at 8 weeks). I am currently seeing a psychologist for issues around the birth and breast feeding.

This week DD has not slept well at all. I have had to cosleep, she was walking for milk 5 times a night and generally for cuddles etc every 15 to 30 minutes. DH Has been a away for a day, a night and following day with friends. The night be came home he said he would do the first two night feeds as I was so tired. He did one and then got huffy and said he would not do anymore. Normally I do the feeds during the feed and some Saturday and Sunday we alternate feeds, except the last few weeks he has been huffy and I end up doing more of the feeds. He is crap at getting up unt he morning with her and I had to get up last week for my lay in to make sure he managed to do her breakfast, we are weaning and get her dressed as he does not manage to do it. In the same time I manage to get her and myself up, feed, washed and dressed. Last night we were suppose to alternate feeds, I did the first feed and snuggled her back in, at 2.30 when she she started to wake up I rang him to swap, apparently she went back to sleep to he rang me at just before six to say she was wake and it was my turn. I just feel like it is always my turn.

I know this is all about parenting and this is my initial reaction so it is not logical but I am struggling to find the positives that he brings to my lif e other than taking the bins out, putting baby to bed and setting the cat food timer. He has also put pressure on me to have sex constantly bring it up, saying how neglected he feels when I am so exhausted and unimpressed with him that it is the last thing I want.

When he came back from being away with friends he had a go at me being negative when he came home. At the time I was exhausted from non sleeping baby.

Right now I just don't know what to do.

Sorry I did not proof read what I have written. At the moment I want to tell him to move out.

I don't really have much advice to give, but I didn't want to read and run. I am in a similar boat to you, I don't feel like my DP helps out enough. however, i haven't said anything cos when he does help out, he does it wrong anyway and it infuriates me. He can't even do a nappy change without DS bawling his eyes out!

I think the first step is communication, and that you really need to try to sit down and have a proper discussion about what is bothering you. It sounds like there are other issues in your relationship if his lack of parenting is making you consider separation.

The thing is, I see things like this on mumsnet all the time and, in so many cases, i think that 1) men don't understand how difficult it is looking after a baby full time 2) they think because we're not in a physical workspace, we don't need time off 3) they genuinely think parenting is women's work.

I just want to let you know that you are not alone. i really hope things work out.

It's totally unacceptable that he's putting you under pressure to have sex.

I also feel he's doing the absolute bare minimum in terms of helping, and I don't blame you at all for wanting more.

Can you get any time to yourself this weekend? Get out the house and really think about what it is you want to say to him, and what it is you want to change.

I think it's also totally reasonable to want to get one full night of sleep on a weekend, so if he's changing his mind and waking you on one of those nights, that's very unfair. If your dc is taking a bottle, one night off out of seven is very little to expect.

Well - you are stressed, you are anxious, you've had some really difficult things to cope with, and I really do feel for you. And at the moment - you are not feeling supported by DH. But maybe don't 'awful-ise' things too?
Big adjustments have to be made in a relationship when a new baby arrives, and even without the added difficulties and complications you've had it can be hard.
In truth - it sounds to me as if both you AND your DH - are feeling mutually unsupported. His huffiness might not simply be laziness - it may be that he feels unappreciated too. If that's the case then just kicking him out might really lead to a rift at a very challenging time. You say in the night that you 'rang' each other? I'm assuming that means seperate beds in separate rooms? I think he is likely to feel more distant as a consequence. And of course you aren't feeling like sex, quite understandable and normal at the moment, but of course it won't help to make you both feel connected - and it may well not just be about sex, but about being kind and affectionate to one another, and knowing that your are on each other's side - rather than resenting the 'demands' each of you is making. He's being a bit of an arse, but I think you are also feeling alone in this?
So maybe there's a lot you haven't said, but from what you have said - perhaps if you managed to have a genuine heart 2heart with him and reconnect a little it will really help? Let him see how much you love him but that you need him to step up and man up right now, that you need to be kinder to one another and support each other and feel that you can rely on each other, that life can improve for both of you.

God, you sound like you have had an horrendous time physically. If you were my daughter or sister, I would be there looking after you. It's impossible - when you need caring - to be caring for your daughter... and on top of that to be caring for your partner.

If he isn't the natural caring type, you need to call in some backup if at all possible, to get you recovered and to show him where he can contribute. He sounds like he hasn't got the full picture, but kicking him out adds the bins to the list of crap you will have to deal with, so...

Can you focus less on him, and wrack your brain for who could give you what you need to get and stay strong? Western lifestyles create a lot of pressure on couples, when the empathy may only come from people who share the same gender - you just grew a whole new human!! 💐

Watching this as in a similar (not quite as unbalanced) situation with 10 week old DS.

Feel for you OP - but sounds like you're doing amazingly in challenging circumstances

Extremely wise and well thought out reply dadaist.
The first couple of years of parenting can be immensely tough. It's not always easier to be a single parent though, believe me, I know lots of couples who have got through these difficult years and have quite happy, stable relationships now but its not easy.
Most of us, when we are tired and stressed, become very irritable and critical of others which then makes other people very defensive and less likely to help out which becomes a vicious circle. Try to communicate in a positive way and give some praise. I know, it shouldn't be necessary but it may just improve things a little until you can both find a way to communicate and support each other through these difficult times. Nobody prepares us for the enormity of parenthood.

dadaist you are speaking a lot of sense thank you. And thanks to everyone else too.

Blimey, he's being a dick.

I'm not sure that's helpful to say tho.

You've had a rough time