How can I appear more confident so that people don't treat me/speak to me like crap?

[CockOhDial]

I feel more and more that people treat me and speak to me like dirt or in a disrespectful way because they feel like they can. I think it could be because I am too 'nice' and don't act like I'm very confident. I want to give off the impression that I won't tolerate crap so that people won't dare speak to me like crap.

A mum at the school who is a complete busybody and thinks she is superior to other mums as she works in childcare therefore knows far more about children's needs than anyone else always makes a beeline for me at the school. Yesterday she asked me what I was doing this weekend and I said I was taking DS to see Santa as I wanted to take him while he still believed in Santa, and she glared at me and went "Ssssshhhhhhh" as the kids were all coming out of school. I hadn't been speaking loudly or shouting through a megaphone or anything like that! And she wouldn't dare say to lots of the other mums to 'Sssshhhhhh', as she arse licks most other mums.

Then in a group of friends that I have, I always feel like I don't dare to wear what I want as one friend always criticises what I am wearing and laughs at me, yet gushes over others who wear similar things. She would not dare to do it to others but does it to me because she can.

Oh and not forgetting the work colleague who is a total cunt to me whilst being all nice and sweet to others.

How can I appear more confident? Has anyone got any tips?

If you could actually see how insecure they were you wouldn't give a f**k.

Fake it til you make it

How do I fake it though?

It's all about tone of voice and a firm look in your eye.

If people are rude to you when they wouldn't be to others it's because you are letting them. They behave badly because they don't think you'll call them on it.

You can't change their behaviour without changing yours.

Do you drop your gaze a lot? Look down when people are mean to you? Try holding their gaze and raising your eyebrows after they've said something upsetting.

If your "friend" is mean about your clothes then either:

Ask her straight out (with a calm and pleasant tone and a firm look) why she feels it's ok to be so rude?

Laugh at her and firmly/pleasantly tell her you don't care what she thinks

Or

Say nothing but look her up and down and smile smirk quietly to yourself.

There are two Eleanor Roosevelt quotations which I love:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

"You must do the things you think you cannot do."

Do you know someone who isn't an aggressive cow, but is very assertive and confident? If not in RL, can you think of a public figure who you think is like this?

What you do is just channel them, think you are that person and react accordingly. This will only help in short bursts though.

Longer term, the best thing for confidence is boundaries. You need to think about what boundaries you want to have around the way you behave to others and what behaviour you will accept from them. You have to be comfortable in saying No, or even Fuck Off when necessary.

Can you practice in small ways, so next time playground bully (that's what she is) makes a smart comment you say "Don't speak to me like that." and move away. You need to care less what people will think. You are probably worried that people will like you less, but people who treat you poorly and bust your boundaries don't like you anyway, they just like the fact you put up with their shit.

Good luck.

So what do you do when people speak to you like that OP? Do you just stay silent and take it? You need to practise some good retorts and a death glare!
Playground mum: don't shush me, I was speaking perfectly normally and you're being over dramatic. Flat tone, firm eye contact, long stare.

"Friend": >eye her outfit choice> Everyone thinks they have great taste don't they?

Work colleague: don't speak to me like that or I will report you/speak to our manager/whatever is appropriate in your workplace. Again, firm eye contact, don't bluster or shout, just clear icy control.

I pretend I'm a bloke (in my head) going into situations where I want to appear confident. It's funny how some people's attitude towards you changes when you're giving off those cues instead of people-pleasing ones (as I can tend to do). Funny although depressing. But works well for me.

Good advice to laugh at them - not nastily but in a genuinely amused way (practice!) and say in a tinkly voice "Oh I really don't know what you mean" and raise an eyebrow and wait for them to explain their snide/unpleasant comment. (They won't - you've just called them out!)

And yes DEFINITELY stop caring what they think. Once you realise that their opinion isn't important you will feel sooooooo liberated.

Other useful phrases - "What a strange thing to say". "I can't imagine why you would say that". Etc

Don't let them see they've got under your skin - acting cool, amused and don't-care will deflect their unpleasant attention. I also love the long looking up and down the other person, raising an eyebrow and turning away. (Ever seen Meryl Streep in Devil Wears Prada?)

To pick up on something a few other posters have said OP.

People sometimes let others treat them badly because they want to be liked, don't want to cause a row.

In my experience people like you more if they also respect you, not less.

You might need to be prepared to risk the odd small conflict in order to win that respect though. In my experience you can say pretty much anything you like if you say it in a pleasant tone with a smile.

So if you friend is rude about your dress just charmingly tell her you think her shoes are hideous. And then smile and say "isn't it so nice we can be open with each other" (you need to do it with steady eye contact though).

I've perfected the art of changing the subject after acknowledging the comment with simply just 'ok'

Ok
I heard what you said
Not commenting on it
Let's move on shall we!

Thanks so much everyone!

I have to admit I am not good at conflict and confrontation, as on the few occasions in the past that I've risked any conflict it's just escalated majorly and turned into a huge falling out. Which I guess I could really do without on the school run.

I did see the 'Sssshhhhh' woman on Friday afternoon at the school Xmas fair but just acted as though I hadn't seen her. I won't be having anything further to do with her and will just say a polite, cold hello if I absolutely have to....

If you don't like confrontation, you could always opt for thanking them when they insult you? Joe Wilkinson (the scruffy-looking comedian) once said I'll take any compliment I can get. It was maybe part of a set with a bigger punchline, but this is the bit I remember -
Someone to JW - You're a prick.
JW - Thank you bows head

If someone is trying to offend you it would just weird them out and show you're not bothered without being aggressive?