Too bad to stay, too good to leave

[HonestyWantsCompany]

I'm on the verge of leaving fiancé. We've been together for about 10 years. Met when I was early 20s. Didn't have the most conventional start as he got quite ill soon after we met and I spent first few years supporting him through numerous hospital stays and ops. A big take on for a 22-23yo young woman.

He has thankfully recovered and we have enjoyed a good relationship for the most part - a few ups and downs but no abuse or cheating etc.

In the last six months I've felt out of sorts in the relationship and have been noticing a lot of his behaviours that I find irritating. As a result, I've pushed him away and he has also become distant towards me which I fully understand. We have sought counselling but I'm not feeling any clearer on the situation.

I confided in my mum this week but she thinks I have been generally out of sorts after a stressful year and worries that I throw away a good relationship when really the problem is perhaps a touch of depression which is causing the numbness and irritability.

This has upset and confused me more. I am very unsure of the future, I feel sad and envious of friends who are happily settled in their lives when I feel like this. From the outside I probably look like I have no worries but I feel so conflicted and want to run away from it all.

I don't even know why I'm writing this - the end of a relationship is something so common yet I feel to torn about what to do. I don't feel good in myself. I don't want to go to doctor and be given pills which may mask the problem. Or perhaps they will make things clearer. I just don't know anything anymore.

I wish I had a clearer view of my future and could see what is right for me. Where has my confidence gone? I don't recognise myself right now but I'm not being fair to fiancé or myself.

My mum suggested I write this all down so I decided to do it here so he can't find it. She thought writing it down would help but it just makes me feel pathetic.

Are you able to talk freely to your df about your feelings? A break from each other may be what you need to clear your head and help you decide what you want for your future.

If you think your mum is right about depression it is possible to treat it without medication. I fully understand why you are reluctant to go straight onto anti-ds, I'm the same, but if you make it clear to your gp they can refer you for counselling if you're prepared to wait. Yoga, meditation, exercise or mindfulness might be a good alternative therapy to explore too.

Yes I have been open with him but I feel this has caused him so much hurt. He says he wants me to feel happy and sure about our relationship so he is supportive of me exploring my feelings but at the same time, I feel he has put his barriers up now too which means we are both quite distant which is creating a painful environment to live in.

We are seeing a counsellor who feels we have both suffered as a result of the trauma of our early relationship and she believes we have solid foundation to rebuild but a part of me thinks things can never be right again.

I feel like the last six months has drained us both and it's affecting the trust in the relationship as my fiancé feels that I don't think he is good enough anymore but it's not that, I'm just having a lot of doubts but can't see the wood for the trees.

I wonder how depression can affect how we feel towards others? Is it possible that it can shut down your happy and positive emotions about your relationship and leave negativity and doubt in its place?