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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If we weren't married with the kids...

23 replies

facepalming · 02/12/2016 07:46

Then I wouldn't have put up with this so long.

That's what my DH said to me a couple of days ago.

To give the background we have two little ones - a 2.5year old and 1 year old.

It's been rough going we are tired he works really long hours and we don't have any help.

Ive had a lot of insecurities since the children - a lot physical but some around getting used to my new value now I'm home and not at work.

A few months after our first was born i found out that DH had told another girl in his office that she was attractive. They are pretty girls he works with and it knocked me for six. He denied it but it was written in the birthday card one of the girls received and she had posted it onto Facebook

just after that he went on a work trip and ended up in a lap dancing club - though of course he said he didn't partake he just took his clients.

We talked through it and whilst he didn't really agree with me that he had crossed a line he said he would avoid unnecessary socialising with the girls in his office.

So now another trip is coming up that will be a lot of drinKing , hotel stays etc and I really don't want him to go.

He hates the jealousy, thinks it's unfounded and so came the comment that he wouldon't habe stayed and put up with it if we didn't have the boys.

In mind he just confirmed all of my insecurities but now I don't really know what to do about it?

OP posts:

Inthenick · 02/12/2016 07:56

The problem is much more that he won't reassure you and be kind to you and apologise for his awful behaviour with the card and possibly the lap dancing (I'm on the fence about that because I know how brokers party with work and it's not nice but not unusual so even the 'nice' brokers get pulled in even if they're not into it). I'm sorry to say it but I think he's not going to help you feel more secure ever. I also have a feeling he's not to be trusted. He's unapologetic about making a pass at a girl in the office, that doesn't bode well.

The problem is it you. I'm sorry but I think you're in for a rough ride.

Inthenick · 02/12/2016 07:57

Problem ISN'T you!

Inthenick · 02/12/2016 07:58

You know what you should do I think. Basically get your finances in order and make plans.

Original poster

facepalming · 02/12/2016 08:14

in the nick I think you are right. I don't feel secure at all. I feel like I'm just waiting for it all to break and I'm not sure that's a good option for me or the dc's. even if he never goes I don't trust him.

I hate the thought he feels stuck with us too.

the lap dancing stuff I would have taken on the chin before but I was feeling so low at the time and it came just after this thing with this girl that I just couldn't handle it.

he says he loves me and I believe he doesn't want his marriage to fail but to me it's different thing to not want a broken marriage rather than want to stay with someone who makes you happy

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 02/12/2016 08:25

What exactly did he write on the card? Definitely sounds sleazy as hell but depending on the wording, he may not see it as you do.

TheNaze73 · 02/12/2016 08:31

It sounds like a classic spiral that needs breaking or you'll both be in trouble & end up hating each other. You're feeling unappreciated for what you do, he works long hours & probably just feels like he's unappreciated & neither of you are seeing each other as man & woman. Nothing he's done is right but, one of you will need to step up & organise a night out for the two of you alone, as a starting point. You both need to learn to love each other again. You both sound neglected, wounded & resentful

Original poster

facepalming · 02/12/2016 08:39

Trifle they had put inside the card the heading 'top 10 Things we like about x' his was 'you're hot'.

I really think before dc1 I could have brushed that off. he is a flirtatious type of guy but dc1 was only 4 months old and I was feeling so vulnerable.

a few weeks later x was on the work trip he went on so I was feeling off about it anyway and then the lapdancing night happened (he told me about it) and I just couldn't handle that at all. It took me ages after that to want to be naked in front of DH never mind anything more. it was a hard time.

the naze I have tried.We don't have family close and dc2 has been a bit young for babysitters (for me anyway) so I've tied to organise date nights at home with a nice meal, getting dressed up etc.

he seems to appreciate that but never reciprocates. we have good friends who have been offering to babysit and I have in recent weeks been pushing DH to take them up on it but he hasn't seemed keen

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 02/12/2016 08:54

I see, OP. No, I wouldn't be happy with it either but I do think it could fall under the heading of 'general flirting' rather than a specific attraction to someone at work if you see what I mean. My DH wouldn't write it but I reckon he would think it! Yours may see something like that as an innocent joke but obviously it happened at a time when you weren't feeling sexy or robust and therefore you found it more disrespectful.

It sounds like you are both going through the difficult early years with small children. This can be hard on a marriage and eat into trust and good will. I would definitely aim for a discussion of his comment - what he meant, how strongly he feels about it etc., and try to listen to each other and reach some common ground about what is acceptable.

Hermonie2016 · 02/12/2016 08:58

I agree wirh Naze, sounds like both struggling to cope.I think its important to recognise that the comment was something you previously would have brushed off but can't now.If the change is within you (understandably) then he can't fix that, it has to come from you.

What do you need to do to feel more secure in yourself? Have you been so much of a caregiver you have forgotten about yourself?
I know ideally our partners will know what we are feeling and respond appropriately but it's often not realistic especially if they have always been this way.
I think you need to address the comment about the marriage and just explain how it hurt.My advice would be to choose a time when you are feeling more confident yourself.

If you build your confidence it will give you a better chance to feel strong whatever the outcome.

2 young children is just about the worst strain on a marriage and you must often feel emotionally and physically drained.I remember those days!

Dadaist · 02/12/2016 10:23

Well - I think you are both feeling unsupported, and I totally agree that you needed kindness and reassurance and DH has not given that, probably because he's feeling 'accused' rather than seeing that you are feeling vulnerable. Don't take his comments to heart just yet - it's a shitty thing to say but I doubt he means it if he still says he loves you and there's nothing else. You need to start trusting each other again so that you know your on each other's side.

bobbinpop · 02/12/2016 10:36

I would find the 'you're hot' comment offensive and I've told my DP that strip/lap dancing clubs are outside the boundaries of our relationship. I'm not surprised you feel insecure; I would too.

PickAChew · 02/12/2016 10:49

Bloody hell, I'd have said back atcha. He's a selfish, seedy lech but he's the one putting up with you?

Original poster

facepalming · 02/12/2016 10:55

Its so hard to separate my insecurities from actual problems with him or our marriage.

In some ways I feel im in the middle of a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy.

I agree that tackling my own feelings is probably the first step but should I step back from him to do that?

OP posts:

doji · 02/12/2016 11:35

I think the main problem here is that the stuff he's doing is in that grey area that is ok with some people but not for others. By the sounds of it, if you weren't feeling low you'd not be too fussed, and (Im guessing) probably let stuff like this go before when you were feeling confident and secure.

So from his perspective he's behaving as he always has, but suddenly he's getting a load of grief for it. Unfortunately instead of reeling his behaviour in a bit because it makes you unhappy, and trying to build your confidence back up, he's having a strop at having the rules changed on him which is making things worse.

Would he be up for some joint councelling to help you both communicate better and understand why this dynamic has happened and how to change it?

Adora10 · 02/12/2016 13:27

Don't really see where you have gone wrong OP.

For him, lap dancing, sleazing writing in cards to females at work, no sorry I don't think that's acceptable on any level.

I think he sounds horrid, making out it's your jealousy when in fact he is showing you zero respect, no wonder you feel insecure.

Dollius01 · 02/12/2016 13:38

God if my DH was telling women at work they were hot and going to lap dancing clubs, it wouldn't be a case of him having to "put up" with me!

No way would I stand for such disrespectful behaviour from a spouse, new babies or not.

RestlessTraveller · 02/12/2016 13:54

I agree that it's about the boundaries. Yours and his. For me the lap dancing club wouldn't be an issue but the "you're hot" written the card would.

The trouble is he crossed the boundaries when you were feeling low and has done fuck all to reassure you. However you admit that you have some insecurities and that can be difficult to live with. Asking him not to socialise with the girls from work is doing neither of you any favours because he will feel controlled and I actually think it will just feed your anxieties.

He's set his stall out with the "if we weren't married" thing. For me that would be a deal breaker because I would spend the rest of my life thinking he didn't want to be with me. That's the crux of the issue. You need to decide what your 'stall' looks like.

Araminta99 · 02/12/2016 15:19

Unfounded? ... Lap dancing? Telling other women they're hot?

He can't be serious.

MistresssIggi · 02/12/2016 15:27

When you say he "hates the jealousy" does that mean you bringing up these two incidents or does he mean you regularly appear jealous, question him about his actions, check where he is etc? I disagree with his behaviour but we don't know what your follow up to it has been. This did happen two years ago. If he has not repeated these behaviours then to some extent you either need to forgive him or accept it's impossible.

Original poster

facepalming · 02/12/2016 16:02

Mistress that's a fair question. I haven't brought it up in the last 2 years. it came up again this time because he asked me how I felt about him going on this work trip.

His reaction was quite out of proportion which has made me anxious - not least of which his comment that if we weren't married he would have left by now.

I have thought about it a lot in those 2 years thoigh. especially when he has had to go away.

I've made a choice to ask who else is going or where he has been.

To be fair, he is home on time every night and hardly ever (once or twice in the last uear) goes to socialise. He has the occasional meal out with clients etc and trips away with work every couple months though.

OP posts:

Original poster

facepalming · 02/12/2016 17:36

eurgh I'm going to send myself doolally with this stuff.

Im not dwelling on his big overreaction that I could still have an issue with stuff 2 years after we last discussed it.

I went snooping - he sent a fb msg that started with 'hi baby' in 2014 - 3 months after our first was born. I can't see the rest it only shows on the side when i open it it shows no recipient and no content.

I've checked my msg history and it wasn't to me.

god I feel sick. I don't think I ever really thought he had been unfaithful just inconsiderate

OP posts:

Adora10 · 02/12/2016 17:42

I'd be very suspicious too OP, do not let him away with speaking to you like that either, if he were not married he'd be off, show him the door then married or not, tell him to fuck off if he wants.

He's not inconsiderate, he's massively disrespectful.

HeavenlyEyes · 02/12/2016 18:49

sounds to me like he has a guilty conscience - how do you know he hasn't got plans for this trip. This is no way to live and you deserve way better than this.

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