Narcissistic Mother - no contact, however constantly harassed

[Hope34]

Hello

I have posted before and following reading, mumsnet and counselling, saw that my narcissistic mother would not change and was damaging to my marriage and young children, I decided to go NC.

Its been life changing and such a relief. Her behaviour is enabled my father and 2 siblings who are much younger and have chosen to ignore and deny the stories of EA, and side with my mother and make me out to be a drama queen.

I finally had enough when I saw how my mother was trying to play my DS and DD off each other.

My question is, I am harassed with phone calls from my mother, which go to voicemail (I have blocked her mobile, she uses another phone). Some are threatening , 'I am your mother, I need you', and messages that are manipulative about a recent fall( a trip when she was on a recent holiday to the USA), but all manipulative to make me call....I did cave in when she had the fall and I realised she had nothing wrong).

My sister has emailed ...'Havent heard from you ...is something wrong?" (She lives abroad and haven't heard from her since last Christmas except for this email last week!

I feel I just need to stick it out until my mother gets tired of it, however I dread that she will come to my work place as its a new job and she would make a scene.....

Sorry this is so long, if anyone has gone NC, did you just persevere?
There is no point in me reasoning with my mother, i have tried this for 20 years.

Thank you

Yes. These manipulative-sounding things she is saying, even if they were real, you need to classify them as not your problem, someone else can help her with them. I would not necessarily expect these requests to stop totally, merely decrease in frequency. She is unlikely to change, instead, you need to be thicker skinned, which can take years of practice.

But these things are a lot simpler if there aren't other family members acting as intermediaries, which it sounds like you have. Are they passing on your info to her? So they have told her where your new job is?

TBH I would start ignoring the whole lot of them if that's what it's like. You are still getting a lot of stress because of them, but your life and history is different.

Can you get someone else to check the voicemails and delete hers for you so you can get a break? Your DP? Best friend?
Are you able to divert all unknown numbers to VM - or do you need to pick them up for work reasons?
There isn't much point changing your number if other family members would pass the new one to her.

Thank you all.

i didn't tell her where I work, she rung my husband and he did as he couldn't avoid the question and lie....

Her voicemails have gone straight to voicemail and for some reason not come up as a missed call....odd. I don't ever answer unknown numbers as the last time it was in the summer when my sister ordered me to call my mother weekly........

Luckily as I work full-time, she doesnt randomly call to my home anymore and wait outside for up to 2 hours and go to all the local shops stalking me ....

I am not in touch with any other family as I emigrated for 20 years ago and recently returned so her friends etc don't know me....I kept visits home short.

She calls my husband now, she is a little frightened of whims he handles her well, and is very good with negotiating nd these situations. It was because of his support and seeing how his normal family are that I took the step to go NC. I have a lovely MIL, which is unusual, I know, and sisters/brothers in law. who are all very private people and respect the family dynamic I have, and have witnessed it intermittently. ...

Thank you for those wise words....my skin is getting thicker

Good grief, your DH is still speaking to her regularly but you aren't, and it's your mum? He needs to keep confidentiality if she has form for following you around and harrassing you. You need to be united as a team on this. I would be livid.

It sounds like you are both still intimidated into being polite to her and it isn't really NC, she is getting plenty of second hand contact about what is going on in your life, and she is not going to be discouraged if that is the situation. At the very least he should have stuck up for you and said it was none of her business.

Why does he need to negotiate with her in the first place?
Personally I would not have someone like her have regular or unsupervised contact with the kids until they are teens or nearly, with the social skills to make up their own minds on whether they want to see her

Because he is from a family of nice people he may not have the experience of having to be firm with someone like this, might be the "too nice for his own good" sort. You both need to set some firm boundaries and stick to them. Personally I would take a much harder line on all this, and make sure that neither I nor my partner were having contact with her or the family members who are backing her harrassment of you. She does not own you. She probably thinks that harrassment doesn't apply to family members the way it might to people who are not blood relations (perhaps you do subconsciously as well, because you feel guilty) - but it does.

Agree. Your dh has to stop talking to her as well.

What itsmeeeecatheeee wrote.

You are not really in a no contact situation because your mother talks to your DH and he responds accordingly. I think he has been far too nice here for your own good and your mother has taken full advantage of him.

Presumably your DH comes from a nice emotionally healthy family (and I see that he has); such people unfortunately can and do play right into the narcissist's hands because they have had no first hand experience of what emotional damage these people can inflict.

NC is precisely that; there is no communication of any sort between your mother and any of your own family unit. Your DH needs to stop talking to your mother as of now because he is really being manipulated here and she is using him to get back at you (he is also being used as her narcissistic supply).

I would also contact the police re her harassment of yourself.

What itsmeeeecatheeee I would fully agree with

Thank you all.

She has phoned him 2-3 times since I have gone NC and he ignored the call yesterday. I have explained to him yesterday that NC is NC. His concern is that she will arrive to my workplace and cause a scene ...... I wish he had lied about where I work.

I explained to him yesterday that unless you have had a mother like this you don't fully understand .

My job which I love , is stressful and Ig doesn't bother me.....whereas my mother brings me out in cold sores...

I have no problem with NC, it's been a huge relief. My husband who doesn't like my family is trying to do the "right thing"

As the counsellor said "why would you put yourself in these situations"

Yes you are right, my parents re fit and well 70 year olds who regularly so on holidays, days out, golf etc But as the only one of four children living near, I have said if there was an emergency I shall go....

I have said to my DH that I would go to the police, he thinks this is too much. However he wasn't in the house last summer when she bangs on the door repeatedly until I opened it.....

Get your DH to tell her you have moved job again. Pick a likely place and feed her that piece of mis-information. If it continues in any serious form it has to be police though surely.

Hi hope,

Your DH needs to keep on ignoring those calls from your mother and also to commence blocking all her ways of contacting you. He needs to urgently raise his all too low boundaries re your mother. Your DH being in contact with her simply plays into her hands and I would remind him that the road to hell is indeed paved with good intentions. The right thing to do here is for he also to be no contact with her. It is hard for people who come from emotionally healthy families to get their head around but needs must here.

Re your comments:-
"Yes you are right, my parents re fit and well 70 year olds who regularly so on holidays, days out, golf etc But as the only one of four children living near, I have said if there was an emergency I shall go...."Let someone else go and see them. You will simply play into their hands and break your current no contact stance if you do that. Toxic people often use "tests" and previously unknown health scares also to get back at their chosen victims, just bear that in mind too.

Please do not do that, you will keep yourself in the FOG if you do (fear, obligation, guilt). You need to further shore up your own boundaries here, you do not have to see them. They do not own you and you do not owe them a relationship. Quite apart from anything else it is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist anyway.

Your dad is as you rightly surmise her willing enabler in all this (if not as narcissistic as she is) as well as being a weak man who has sacrificed his now adults children's wellbeing on her alter. Such men as well often need someone like this to idolise. He has abjectly also failed as a parent here. Your siblings here have acted as the "golden children" but they are not aware of the price that she will make them pay.

Let someone else go and see them. You will simply play into their hands and break your current no contact stance if you do that. Toxic people often use "tests" and previously unknown health scares also to get back at their chosen victims, just bear that in mind too.

"I have said to my DH that I would go to the police, he thinks this is too much. However he wasn't in the house last summer when she bangs on the door repeatedly until I opened it....."

There were two errors here; first of all opening the door and secondly not reporting this to the police. Letting her in was precisely what she wanted, that was her reward so she now continues to bother you via your DH. Narcissists can be afraid of what they perceive to be authority figures so please do not hesitate in calling the police particularly if your mother does again turn up unannounced. Infact I would be having a word with them in any case as knowledge is power.

(If you do happen to receive any Christmas cards or presents from them shred the cards and take all items to the charity shop. Do not give these items any power).

That's good he didn't take her call yesterday. He needs to keep doing that.

Has she actually gone to your workplaces before? Or persistently rung you at work? If so, I would have a word with security or reception if you are senior or have direct contact with them, or your manager if not, and mention this,. If it isn't something that has happened before, I would risk holding off so as not to make things too awkward with a brand new place, but if she does appear you need to be clear and say that you don't have a good relationship with her, and please don't put her through / let her in now or in future.

as the only one of four children living near, I have said if there was an emergency I shall go

Ah, I can see why the counsellor said that about putting yourself in situations. You probably feel guilty about this and the siblings themselves aren't helping in what they say. But what if you were an only child? You wouldn't have them to compare yourself to.

Longer term do you have to stay in the area? As you've got a new job you probably don't want to move soon, but a bit more distance from your parents can only be a good thing if they behave like this. Even if you could move a distance which is a resonable commute, but where you wouldn't run into them at the shops at the weekend.

I agree with Attilla about the police, however they may advise that you must have given the person clear boundaries and warnings first. So this is another reason your DH needs to be totally on board, and possibly he needs to tell her not to contact him or the kids or you - if she could be legitimately coming to see someone in the same house as you and she is not violent, then may be harder to get them to take it up.

Why can't you block her calls to your landline? Mine has that facility.

Tell DH he absolutely cannot talk to her. He is effectively breaking your NC. I stay in contact with the only sibling out of five of us who still has any contact with our narc mother. I just never discuss DM and he accepts that.

No contact means NO CONTACT

Hello

Thank you all.
Happy- she doesn't know I have a landline, I don't know how the voicemails came through to my phone, maybe they are old, as I delete them straight away!

Yes you are all right and Attila thank you for reminding me of FOG, I keep thinking I am there and feel no guilt but then...I do. I mainly feel anger

i am hoping they shall soon get tired and I do plan on contacting the police.

I have never accepted gifts from her, I always dump them or donate them.

I am speaking to my DP about it at present and the management, and NC is agreed....fingers crossed

My mother has just arrived to the house

I arrived home to my DP following a trip to town with the children.
"I have no love in me" , "Why can't you be nice", "Why are you evil", "Why am I not contacting and asking how my siblings are"

She has done everything for me and I have to agree to bring the children to her house..........

Yes she is textbook narcissist, I am so angry, I have posted as I need to vent....

My husband said "would you like to go and talk to the children....she spent 15 minutes...then had to go.....just wants me to go to her golf club with the kids next week!!!!!.....to pose.....so fake...

Its NC all the way......

So your DH let her into your home? Why?

Well done deciding on NC but DH has to get his head around it too for it to succeed. Does he have a lovely "normal" family so he can't quite understand what it is to have a mother like yours/mine?

Hope

I presume your DH has no idea that he simply played into your mother's hands by at all suggesting that. He is one of her flying monkeys and is certainly not acting in his family's best interests at all (only his own). People like your H have likely come from an emotionally healthy family unit but narcissists can all too easily manipulate such people.

Your husband allowed a vampire into your home and served up your children to her, despite having agreed with you to go completely NC? What part of "no contact" doesn't he get? No contact means no contact of any sort, ever, no matter what the circumstances- that's "no pissing on her if she's on fire" level.

Years ago I got a phone call from my father, with whom I was NC owing to his alcoholism. As soon as I had extracted from him the name of the person who had given him my number, I hung up. Then I went NC with the flying monkey. That's what NC means. It's putting a cordon sanitaire around yourself and your family.

Why on earth was she allowed in, and why was she allowed access to your dc? This needs to stop.

It needs to be 100% consistent otherwise she will carry on turning up and calling.

If you direct him to this thread there are loads of posters who will tell him that he has not handled this well. I'm actually really for you

Hello All

My DP has a lovely emotionally intelligent family...who have their issues, but are always there and supportive.

You can imagine my face when I opened the door. (He had texted, but I had run our of battery)....I need a knew phone.....badly

When I was served the Ultimatum...."you will bring the children over ...wont you" in a threatening tone, to which I stared right through her, I couldn't get her out the door quick enough. Even my 3 year old gave out to me for upsetting Granny!

My decision is final and my husband is on board. I am going to contact the local police station for advice. They gave a xmas card and money, which I shall be transferring back into their account and the card is torn up and in the bin.

I am so angry that I have been so submissive and put up with this for so long, however so glad I am doing this now when my children are too young to be effected....I hope.

I managed to tell her I am rotating to a different workplace next week, and to dodge any other information seeking questions as I have not got my shifts yet.....Its exhausting. My parents are spending Christmas abroad with their 2 golden children. I can't play this charade and games....life is too short.

'you will bring the children over'
'you will answer my calls'

I am embarrassed to go to the police, I have never been to the police for anything(thank goodness)........

Thank you all for your support.....

its so true, unless you have had a parent or parents like this its very difficult to understand...so thank you xx

My DP, who encouraged me to get counselling ( it took 6 years), says of course he should have answered the door, and they won't call again !

I am annoyed with him also for saying that he is in the middle and doesn't want to get involved, when he can't stand my family( they have treated him badly....

God, my life is so dysfunctional...however

I have 2 amazing children, a great job, a great childminder and great friends ( who are unfortunately all abroad) .....

Why on earth has he decided he's in the middle? He's your husband, he's meant to be on your side.

I've been no-contact with my parents for over three years now and although it hasn't been easy, it has been FAR better than having to deal with all the crap they dish out.

Your husband is not in the middle. At the moment he's on your parents' side.

He can't expect to remain neutral in this: he's either got to support you, or not. If he doesn't support you by not taking the calls, not opening the front door, he is enabling your parents to continue harassing you, and therefore he is supporting them.

Talk with him. Work out a plan for every eventuality. They phone? You say, "I have nothing to say to you," and hang up--or better still, just hang up. They arrive at your door? You make sure you're safely locked inside and ignore them, and if they persist you phone the police and ask them to come and take your parents away. They arrive at your workplace? Tell your boss and your colleagues that your parents are bullies, that they're threatening to come and disrupt the workplace, and ask that they not be let into the building, that security removes them, and so on. Give the people on reception some recent photos so they know who they're looking out for. Make sure all your friends and colleagues know not to trust anyone who turns up. And make sure your children's schools know not to let their grandparents collect them, or have any interaction with them. That one's really important.

Expect for things to get worse with your parents before they get better. I've seen this described as an extinction burst: as they see you changing and getting stronger, and escaping their dysfunctional clutches, they might well get desperate and ramp up their bad behaviour. Don't be afraid to call the police if they get really bad. But eventually they will get the message and leave you alone, one way or another.

On the rise, well done on getting through it..... Yes my husband has warned me it shall get worse before better.

He just said it to my mother that he is in the middle as they don't like him and he thinks that they shall think he put me up to this .....if only they could acknowledge the years of crap and thank goodness for my husbands amateur counselling and the professional counselling I had....

Tell your husband to stop telling your mother things like that. It only adds fuel to the fire. I am sure he means well: but it's not helpful here, I don't think. No matter what he says, or what you say, if your parents are anything like mine they'll twist it somehow to suit their own ends.

I am glad you found counselling useful. Have more! It's the only thing that got me through.