Find it hard to be close to my DS

[queenofthebucket]

I have been thinking about this question for some time and my lack of social contact basically means I don't feel able to discuss it with anyone in RL. My upbringing was emotionally neglectful and disrupted and
I have difficulty forming lasting relationships with others, or even maintaining them with my family members.

I have a ds 21 who I brought up on my own, his father was abusive and had substance and MH problems, he has since died but we were estranged.
Anyway, I brought him up and he has turned out well, he is lovely. I never had any problems forming an attachment and loving him, but I haven't felt the closeness I had for him as a child for a few years, and I feel so closed off from him and terrible for him. The only thing I can think is that now he is an adult I treat him as I do other adults, i.e. I keep them at a distance and don't want to be emotionally involved with them.

My problem seems to be that I feel that my emotional difficulties stem from my childhood and my terrible relationship with my DM who DS gets on well with and is his only GP as my DF died some time ago. DM is in her late 70's now, and we get along in a stiff upper lip kind of way. Do I explain to DS about the past and how I think I came to be like this and potentially spoil his relationship with her, or do I keep quiet, until she's gone, which is basically all my family has ever done and is the main part of my problem?

Ok I had quite a difficult childhood due to my mums uncontrollable temper (frequent lashing out). As a consequence we have a "polite" relationship but not close. My 3 boys however have always got on well with her. I did tell them about how she was but I also explained why I thought she was like that, and that we have moved on and I'm sure she regrets it all ( no idea if that's true). In other words I've tried to help them understand that she did bad things but I don't want them holding it against her or judging her.

Thanks missy its good/sad to hear from someone with a similar perspective. Your relationship with your DM sounds like mine. But you don't mention if you experienced the distance I do from your boys? I mean did you feel like you had to explain your behaviour? which is I guess what I am wondering if I should do ?

Well I'm ashamed to say that there was a point in time where I was almost repeating her behaviour. But I recognised it and made a conscious effort to be better than that. I think it's never to late to change how you behave.
I have a 21 year old, I find meeting up with him for coffee or taking him out for lunch and just chatting about anything helps me nurture our relationship, but yes I do have to work at it.

I treat him as I do other adults, i.e. I keep them at a distance and don't want to be emotionally involved with them

This a protective strategy which you've adopted to avoid being emotonally hurt by other adults.

Do you think your ds has noticed your 'withdrawal' or could it be that he's blissfully unaware of your internal conflict over the way you relate to him now that he's an adult?

Others may disagree but, even though you hold her reponsible for your 'emotional difficultes', I think you would come to regret saying or doing anything that could spoil your ds's good relationship with his only grandparent.

Have you considered counselling to help you come to terms with the way your has behaved towards you over the years?

missy we used to be very close but at the moment I struggle to do anything outside the house.I take your point Its not too late to change, and in my case I think the change would mean being open and honest. However, that is where my conflict arises as I envisage doing this would possibly damage my ds's relationship with DM which as goddess has pointed out I might regret. goddess On that point he has definitely noticed, we are open about it up to a point, that is why it concerns me, I don't think I would be quite so concerned about it if I was only experiencing this internally.

So two trains of thought for me to ponder

I completely agree with counselling.

But could you also consider giving him the choice? My feelings are sometimes off the mark but just in case it's helpful...

He's an adult now, and his relationship with you will be more important and formative than that of his relationship with his grandmother. A distance between you will affect him more. And you might not get that chance to explain - what if you died first for example? You also might not want to "speak ill of the dead".

You could explain that you think you know why you're this way, that it involves his grandparents, and that you don't want to damage that connection - but that equally you're happy to talk if he really wants to?

(On the other hand, I think you're also overestimating the immediate impact it could have. The chances are that he'll listen, and despite understanding more, won't really recognise the person you're talking about or will assume she's changed, so his relationship with her won't change. I don't know if that would hurt you more though?)

I am an old gimmer, with friends who had their DC 10 years before I did (twas rarer to reproduce in one's 30's back then). It seems to me that these days there is a natural period, when they are in their 20's, when they are distant - in a way - because that is the best way to become independent. Once they have tried their wings for a few years, and realise that you are an adult with problems in life not so different to theirs (jobs, finance, health etc) then they can kind of re-approach. It is only now that DD is 25 and DS 28, and seemingly doing ok, that we have started to build a new kind of Adult Parent-Adult Child relationship.

It was quite a poignant painful feeling while it was going on IME and that of some of my friends. (Why do they never phone? we wailed to each other, while trying not to say that to them (because it might be mis-construed as guilt tripping.))

I've got that Abba song from Mama Mia in my head - "slipping through my fingers" I think it was called - about the joy - and pain - of seeing them becoming lovely young people.

I think I am in agreement with you Queenmortificado that his relationship with me is more important. Thanks your input is useful.
I don't really want to offload on him though. I don't see a way out of it. its better to give him the choice.

Pussycat Its not really a case of him moving emotionally away from me but I from him. He actively complains. Well I think he also worries about me and I don't want that but I guess I can't stop it either.

I have had so much counselling but not in recent years or for this specific problem. A couple of years ago I was referred for psychotherapy, but just got pushed from pillar to post and swept under the carpet, so that never got off the ground. I could have chased it but thats up to me I suppose.

My mum had a difficult relationship with her MIL, but me and my siblings always visited her every week through our childhood and developed a good relationship with her. Mum never mentioned negative things about her when we were young but when we older (teenagers) she slowly told us more about her experiences with her until she was completely honest about everything when we were old enough (late teens). By that time we were old enough to hear her stories but not let it affect our relationship with MIL as it had already been formed through our childhood.

If your son is 21 and you treat him like an adult, he is old enough to hear the truth about your experiences with your Mum. It will help him to understand you better and might draw you closer together.

I believe it's only offloading on your children if you are constantly telling them your problems. But informing them facts about your upbringing is NOT offloading and at his age he has a right to know. All the best.

Yes I agree with PP - he is old enough to hear the truth and form his own opinions. You're his mother and therefore in the grand scheme of things more important to him, more than likely, than his GM.

I really don't think hearing the truth will affect his relationship with his GM in any case - but it might fill in a few gaps for him and help him make sense of his own relationship with you. Which I think he deserves.

thanks everyone its given me a better perspective.

Hope it gets better, no matter how you approach it queen