Possibly a non-problem but I feel so alone

[Sapeniro]

I seem to be in a very bad place right now. I am constantly sad and feel lonely in my husband's company. I'm fantasising and obsessing about other men and I hate myself for it.

My husband seems to be saying all the right things - that he'll do anything to help me feel happier, he's sorry I'm sad etc but I just don't feel worth anything when I'm around him. I feel like his roommate. I don't know why.

I keep wishing my life was different but I love him and don't want to lose him. I feel completely trapped, it's like I'm suffocating. I don't know what to do.

Why not plan an adventure together ? Start on Pinterest, clicking places together and then talk and plan ... gives you both a goal, a chance to be realistic in how you achieve it and something great to both focus on and look forward too ?!

It's not a non problem if it's a problem for you. How about the rest of your life - job, hobbies, social life etc - are you fulfilled in these?

Well words are easy. Do you know what you want from him, does he know and put those words into actions. Do you have plenty of touch/cuddling?

It's easy for our relationship to be pushed down the list of priorities and if you're unhappy, bored and fantasising about other men it'll be easier to slip into danger zones.

We just feel so distant from each other. Reading your post made me cry thewookieswife - I can't imagine sitting down and doing that with him at all. It feels impossible yet it sounds so simple and lovely.

I love work and I feel great when I'm there. We have a 1 year old and I feel brilliant being around her, watching her learn and explore things. I have two days a week where it's just the two of us and they are the best.

I haven't indulged in any hobbies since she was born though really and all my friends live quite a way away so I don't see them very often.

As for our physical relationship, it has massively changed since the baby. I used to have a very high sex drive. I mostly have zero sex drive now. I go through phases of getting it back but I don't want to have sex with my husband. This scares me so much.

Can you describe your evenings and weekends together? What do you do normally?

Is it possible you may be depressed? This sort of thing happened to me and after medication for a while I felt much better and my relationship improved no end.

Evenings after baby is down I come downstairs and he has cooked dinner. We sit and eat that. He will put something on telly and / or go on his phone. I'm not really sure what I do. Look on my phone a bit I guess, tidy and clean kitchen and go to bed. 3 nights a week he is out training.

Weekends are different and we get on ok in the day a lot of the time. We do things with our daughter and spend time playing with her and relaxing together. We do have an ok time at the weekend.

I just get so frustrated and sad. I know I'm probably not making much sense. I feel a bit useless - I can't articulate the problem very well.

What would happen if you agreed to put your phones down at 9pm say?

Is it your first baby? it's a difficult change to adjust to. Could you have PND? Are you resentful of him being out 3 nights a week and you not going out, or just too tired. Would you feel closer to him if your sex life was back on track?

I'm not sure what would happen if we put our phones down. We'd go to bed I guess.

He's out tonight and I just came upstairs and would normally just go to sleep but I feel so bloody frustrated and lonely. It's suffocating.

I don't resent him going out. It's good for him and I do go and visit my friends around once a month which means having an overnight stay away which is nice.

I think I probably would feel closer to him if sex was back to normal but I don't feel that towards him anymore. The few times I do want to do it I'm not motivated to do it with him

You sound depressed op and stuck in a rut. If I were you I would go to your gp to have a chat.

You sound very dissatisfied with your life right now mad seem to be focusing that dissatisfaction on your dh. You say work is great and you love hanging out with your dd and that you get a night out/away once a month so all sounds good there. Your relationship with your dh doesn't sound bad or unhealthy, but it does sound like you are stuck in a rut. Have you tried talking to your dh? Sometimes opening up and communicating goes a long way xx

Does your husband have any idea that you are not attracted to him anymore ? I can't see how he could be blissfully happy in this situation either ?

I agree with pp. You may he depressed, however if you are depressed because you are stuck in a relationship with a guy you are not attracted to, pills or therapy aren't going to change that.

Thanks for replying. I think things are very much worse at night. My husband has the day off today and we've had a great morning so far, getting on very well.

We've talked a lot about our situation various times. He attributes my mood and problems with sex to tiredness and adjusting to life with a baby. Plus we are going through a bit of a transition trying to move house. I think he sees it as difficult now but has hope and faith that we'll come out the other side so isn't feeling too down and certainly isn't hopeless like I am. I've not talked about not finding him attractive anymore to him.

I love him so much and in a lot of ways I'm very happy. Getting it all written down has made me see that the crux might be the sexual attraction part do you think it will come back?

It sounds like your relationship has good foundations. When a baby arrives on the scene things can go to pot ever so slightly.

What is then required by both parents is communication about the impact and about your new reality.

Children do affect sex lives but that needs to be addressed, I'm sure your dh is wondering where it's all gone wrong too?

You need to have a frank conversation about your issues, don't let things fester for any longer. When there's a child it's always worth putting in the effort before you throw the towel in.

Well, you're certainly going through big changes and having small children is bound to have an impact. I don't know whether it will come back or not, I am man and so far as I am aware I'm not aware of a man's sex drive being removed totally by the presence of a small child, so I wouldn't really like to comment on that other than to say that in general people's sex drive of course waxes and wanes. I haven't been in the situation where i no longer feel any sexual attraction for my partner. For me the worry would be that when you do feel in the mood, it's not with him.

That said - it sounds like you used to find him very attractive and you had a lot of sex, is there anything that switched that off ? Is it maybe just coming back slowly ?

It's definitely since the latter part of my pregnancy. I had PGP quite badly and sex was uncomfortable. Then the baby came along and obviously it's tricky then as you're tired, all touched out from feeding and bed sharing etc. I do think my sex drive is returning but I'm thinking about other people and not him. I just wonder if the attraction to him will come back. I don't know why it's gone. He is looking after himself better than ever.

Are you attracted to someone else ? Has someone caught your eye ?

Sounds normal to me after having a baby. Surely you've read about ladies losing their drive after having a baby? It's extremely common. There's nothing much you can do about it, it's often the price you pay for a little one.

You've just had a baby. Give yourself a little time.

What did you do as a couple that you enjoyed before you had your baby? Maybe you can think about getting back to that sort of thing..... it's not all about sex.

No, I don't know that it is all about sex, you're right. I'm just wondering whether that's the main thing. I've mentioned a few things that I feel but I honestly don't know what the cause is. I'm wondering if lack of physical contact is playing a part.

I don't feel like I've only just had a baby. She's 16 months old.

We used to go for long

Oops!

...long walks and lots of gigs.

Sounds like me! Only my DC are 10 and 7
I have zero sex drive with him or with anyone else. We do have a great life as a family but on the weekends when he is back from work (works away) once the kids are in bed we sit on different sofas and play on our phones or watch tv!
I sometimes wonder if the grass is greener....but then think about my family and can't even contemplate ever splitting up.
I think I am one of life's over thinkers and as I'm getting older the less I worry. I do love my DP there is just no chemistry iyswim?
I do think a lot or relationships are like ours.
I'm planning a trip away with DP in the new year just us to see if we can rekindle some magic