Difficult relationship with DM. What to do?

[IAmALionTamer]

I have had a strained relationship with my DM since my early teens when she and my DF split due to her having an affair with not one but several other men. My DF suffered a breakdown as a result and I found out far too much detail as to what had gone on.

Without posting too much detail the amount of men she had slept with behind his back was very high, she had brought them back to our family home for sex in the middle of the day, it was all common knowledge amongst our community and friends and worst of all whenever my DF raised suspicions she would twist it to make him appear paranoid and unhinged. She even suggested that he attend counselling for his apparent trust issues - I think this type of behaviour is known as gas lighting? Eventually the only way that he could catch her was by hiding CCTV cameras and secretly recording her.

The resulting fall out and revelations ruined my relationship with DM and 15 years later things are still strained and tense. We do see each other once every few months but it's all very superficial and fake on both sides.

Since the breakdown of my parents relationship she has not had any official BF but I have found out through various sources that she is seeing several married men as their bit on the side including once when I came home early and interrupted her in the act. Whilst I don't condone this behaviour, I've buried my feelings relating to this generally and just tried to move past it.

The difficult part is that I have a much younger Dsis who was barely a toddler when my parents relationship broke down. She has been shielded from the reasons why and I have been supportive of this as I am saddened by my lack of mother-daughter relationship and don't want Dsis to suffer the same. Now my Dsis is in her late teens and has discovered for herself that our DM is seeing at least two married men currently.

She is very upset which is quite understandable and has confided in me. This has churned up all of the old feelings that I had and makes me question why I even attempt to keep a relationship going with DM when I can never truly forgive her for the way she treated my DF and her continued antics. She is a huge flirt and even flirts very obviously with my FIL in front of my MIL at family gatherings. It may sound crazy but I don't think that she would consider any man to be off limits including my DH (although I trust him I could never trust her).

I have a young DS and am expecting another baby in the spring. Being a parent makes it more difficult for me to comprehend how she could treat us as a family with so little respect and how damaging her actions with other married men could be to other families. I know that the married men in question are even more to blame and if they weren't cheating with her it would probably be with someone else but her behaviour and apparent lack of moral compass still sickens me.

One part of me wishes to go NC and explain to her why, the other part wants my children to be unaffected and have some kind of relationship with their GM. I hate the impact that her actions have had on me and how they've shaped me as a person (I've understandably had some trust issues in the past although my DH hasn't given me any reason to be) and I don't like the idea that her behaviour could affect the next generation.

If you were me WWYD? Anybody had any similar kinds of experiences?

No experience, but I cannot see what benefit a relationship with her would have for your DC.

She wouldn't hide her behaviour from them and it would be confusing to say the least. What does your DF think?

I think if someone has been that poor a parent I can't see how they would make a good grandparent.

A lot is made on mumsnet about going NC, it sounds so final.

Personally, I took another view with my grandparents. I looked at what they added to my life and at what cost? I didn't think of them as grandparents whom I should have a relationship with, just people.

That helped me to see that my life was better without them. It's been 15 years since I had any contact with them. I don't see it as NC, just that there's never been enough reason to be in contact. I've never made the decision to never see them again, it's just that in all probability I won't as there's no reason to that enhances my life. They aren't my type of people.

Hi Tamer,

re your comment:-

"One part of me wishes to go NC and explain to her why, the other part wants my children to be unaffected and have some kind of relationship with their GM. I hate the impact that her actions have had on me and how they've shaped me as a person (I've understandably had some trust issues in the past although my DH hasn't given me any reason to be) and I don't like the idea that her behaviour could affect the next generation".

Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) when it comes to your mother; she is not going to change the habit of a lifetime by actually listening to you now.

Given your last two sentences why would you want your mother to have any sort of a relationship with your children?. A lot of people get stuck on this point and facilitate the parent/grandchild relationship despite their own experiences to the contrary. Your children will not remain unaffected at all by her.

Your mother has not fundamentally altered and will not change. She has never apologised nor has taken any responsibility for their actions. You also would not have tolerated this from or in a friend of yours, your mother is no different.

How would your children benefit from having any sort of a relationship with your mother? . They could well end up with similar sorts of trust issues that you have . Please seek out a good therapist and work through trust issues stemming from your mother's behaviours. BACP are good and do not charge the earth. It will help you no end if you now properly address this.

Your mother was not a good parent to you when growing up, she remains selfish and has only acted in her own self interest throughout her life. Its not your fault she is like this; you did not make her this way and I can well imagine she has a myriad of issues linking back to relations with her own father. Her own childhood will provide clues.

I quite like joys point about just ceasing unnecessary contact and seeing how it goes. As there's no real love between us I think many months could pass before she would get in touch.
Atilla you are spot on about the Daddy issues, her own father was a serial adulterer who she was very close to until one day they had a huge falling out and they haven't seen each other for over 20 years. Her relationship with her own mum is strained, although for complexly different reasons.
My biggest concerns are for my own DC & my sister. More immediately it's my sister as she has MH issues, has previously attempted suicide and has taken this discovery very badly.

For my own DC I just don't want a family history of going NC (if that's what I do and it's what I'm leaning towards in one way or another) to repeat itself. I know that I am a very different person to my mum and therefore it's unlikely to happen but it's still a consideration in my mind

makes me question why I even attempt to keep a relationship going with DM when I can never truly forgive her for the way she treated my DF and her continued antics

you have to make the right decision for you. But as something to consider, if you're in some degree of contact with her then you can be there for your sister. She's going to need someone who knows how she feels.

About NC with your mother: to quote perfectstorm some time ago:

I will never fathom why blood alone should mean you're forced to let people hurt you over and over again, as long as they aren't physically or sexually abusive. It makes no sense. Life is too short to let bad/damaged people screw with you, no matter who they are, unless they are your own kids. You don't owe anyone else your unconditional love and time.

Ime the fear of behaving the same way as your mother can be very, very deep. But in a way you need to keep your feet on the ground: there are strong reasons to dislike your mother's behaviour and you are doing this to protect your children, not from high emotion. If you do go NC, write a letter for your own benefit (very useful) but consider not posting it. She will never accept what you say. If she did, she'd have to look hard at her own behaviour and she'll never do that. She doesn't care how hurtful and destructive she is.

sorry that was a bit contradictory. What I meant to write was:

if you choose to go NC, it seems to me that the reasons for it are not the same as your mother's when she went NC. So you are not like her.

One reason to stay LC rather than NC could be to be there for your sister, to some degree. If you are able to have a relationship with her without having to put up with your mother, though, then that reason to stay LC is gone.

If you can't face NC then try VLC and see where that takes you? I agree with PP that it's hard to see the benefit of your children having a relationship with her. Obviously we don't know the detail but your DSIS who was presumably left in her care now has MH issues, and some of this may be attributable to DM?

Think about what you can do to support DSIS - regular contact and maybe an activity you can do regularly together like cinema? It sounds like she needs a positive female role model and someone who treats her as a priority.

My friend had a DM like yours (who slept with her husband ) and she had to cut all contact eventually.