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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So hes moved in but..

24 replies

mylifeisamystery · 01/12/2016 09:07

..I'm not sure its working out.
We've been together for 2 yrs, we've been up and down those 2 yrs really lots have happened and I wasn't sure he was right for me but I persevered. He helped me lots just recently with my own house as I bought one and had to do it up. The next step seemed to be for him to move in, so hes been in for a couple of months and my garage is full of his stuff.
But it doesn't feel right? We talk and get on well but no spark - he says he loves me but I'm not sure I love him? Please don't flame me maybe he shouldn't have moved in as I said in Aug we should go slow and now hes living with me!
I need to get through xmas and see how I feel after that?
He has no family in my area his grown up kids live abroad..

OP posts:

Minivaperviper · 01/12/2016 09:23

No one knows if living together will work until you do, have a discussion with him if you're feeling brave and set a time on the settling in period if you like, so if you haven't changed how you feel at least it won't be a shock to him.
But really I'd go with your gut and whats best for you.

I had a horrible feeling the day a dp moved in, for one he brought something (huge display cabinet)when I strictly said not to so crossed a boundary straight away and it got left to rot in the garden. Constant power struggle and it ended amicably 2 yrs later and good friends now but I'd rather it all never happened tbh.

If it doesn't feel right op then do what does, might be a little painful but it's shorter lived than living with the wrong person .

Original poster

mylifeisamystery · 01/12/2016 09:29

We seem to be having power struggles, hes a bit older than me - while I appreciate his worldly knowledge I'm not a stupid person and can live quite happily/cope on my own. He was trying to tell me how to use my own washing machine/tumble dryer last night... I was a bit peeved..

OP posts:

pallasathena · 01/12/2016 10:00

He's doing the superior 'mansplaining', thing because, well, he's a man and its what they, or at least some of them do.
Designed to reinforce traditional role models and leave you breathless with admiration for his superior knowledge, there are only two ways to deal with the species: one, disengage, walk away mid flow which is a bit rude but hey, so is the mansplaining and two, defeat him with your superior knowledge.
If you go down the second route its good fun to read up on some obscure detail like how helicopter blades actually work, shift the conversation around to....helicopter blades, wait for him to expound his manly knowledge on said subject then cut across with your in depth assessment (confidently expressed ), and basically, leave him open mouthed as you sashay off into the sunset.
Or there's a third option. LTB.

Kidnapped · 01/12/2016 10:06

"I need to get through xmas and see how I feel after that?"

No, you don't have to wait. You can do it now. You can explain to him that living together is not working out for you, but you'd still like to date him (if in fact you want to). You tried to put him off in August but he steamrollered you by insisting on moving in.

Let him get his own place and then take things from there.

Original poster

mylifeisamystery · 01/12/2016 11:31

Hes only just moved all his stuff in, he's awaiting the outcome of a legal matter maybe I should suggest he buys a house with the proceeds.

OP posts:

OohhThatsMe · 01/12/2016 11:35

Good idea. I think it's better for him, anyway, to have his own place. It's a difficult situation to be in but if you know this early on that it's not working, you have no choice, really.

tribpot · 01/12/2016 11:38

I wasn't sure he was right for me but I persevered

This was your red flag. Life is too short to spend time waiting to see if something will work out. I think actually you were pretty sure he wasn't right for you but didn't think you could end it just on that basis.

He's then made sure his feet are literally under the table to make it much harder for you to end things or at least move the relationship back to a more casual footing.

How did he manage to steamroller over what you wanted in August? Was it by doing stuff to your house, so you felt guilty for saying no whilst he was awaiting the outcome of the legal matter?

I don't like the sound of these power struggles. Time to assert your independence.

Kidnapped · 01/12/2016 11:40

Don't wait for the legal thing to be concluded. It could take ages and it isn't really relevant. It really isn't your responsibility to house him.

He can get a rental place in the interim and then buy somewhere later. And the longer he stays at your place, the more chance that he could claim on your house. Don't let that happen.

I have a feeling that you will need to be very blunt with this guy. "Living together is not working for me. You will have to find somewhere else to live" kind of blunt.

Original poster

mylifeisamystery · 01/12/2016 11:51

Exactly tribpot he did really help me loads on my house and I would have been stuffed without his help, he tried to move in before but I said No, I knew I should have stuck to my reasons then.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 01/12/2016 11:52

Clearly this relationship has no legs as a traditional partnership if you can't talk things through.

Original poster

mylifeisamystery · 01/12/2016 11:53

Thing is we have a couple of months where everythings great then I get these feelings its not right again.. I keep thinking its me..

OP posts:

OohhThatsMe · 01/12/2016 11:56

It doesn't matter if it is you. It's your house and if you'd rather live there alone, then that's what you should be able to do.

Joysmum · 01/12/2016 12:14

Have you talked about it!

Joysmum · 01/12/2016 12:15

Should have been a question mark, sorry

Original poster

mylifeisamystery · 01/12/2016 12:17

No not talked yet, last night he seemed in a huff and went to bed early.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 01/12/2016 16:12

Really 2 years into a relationship you shouldn't have already have had lots of ups and downs. That should've rung alarm bells to be honest.

Hermonie2016 · 01/12/2016 16:41

How much older is he?

It feels as if you can't really communicate and you feel obligated because he has been so helpful.

Communication is vital - when you talk you should feel better. I think sometimes instincts kick in but we can't vocalise what the issues are - we just know that they are there.

My biggest regret is not listening to my gut, it was right but from the outside everything looked so perfect so I just kept going forwards.

Original poster

mylifeisamystery · 01/12/2016 16:45

I should have felt happy when I moved into my house but I didn't. I should be happy but I cant say I am tbh..
I'm 37 hes 55 - I think we are at different stages of life..

OP posts:

ProfessorFreud · 01/12/2016 17:01

Well he's renovated your house for free, time to get rid!

Kidnapped · 01/12/2016 20:36

"I think we are at different stages of life".

I think you've absolutely hit the nail on the head there. Tell him to get his own place. You are not happy so he has got to go.

You don't need permission from anyone else to do this.

OohhThatsMe · 02/12/2016 12:29

If there's that big an age difference you really are at different stages in your life. He needs to be making sure he's financially sorted over the next ten years before retirement - far better to tell him to leave now than in a few years' time.

Hermonie2016 · 02/12/2016 19:11

I think 2 years is just the time it takes to work out if a person is right for you.You are at that stage and it's not working.

It's not likely to get much better as you really should be in the honeymoon phase.
It makes me realise that when my stbex moved in I didn't feel contented and should have pulled the plug but the sunken costs fallacy plus I felt responsible for him (sex was good though).

What are you going to do Op?

Pimmmms · 02/12/2016 19:23

So what if it is you? Don't you matter? Isn't how you feel important?

Just because he ticks all the boxes doesn't mean he's right for you. Just because he's a nice guy doesn't mean you have to in a relationship with him. I have loads of male friends who are nice guys who i'd throttle if i were to be in a relationship with. We're just not compatible other than as friends.

ThisThingCalledLife · 03/12/2016 04:35

He's not just manipulating you emotionally, he's actively steamrollering you into submission.
A person who genuinely cared about you wouldn't be using 'guilt and obligation' to make you 'commit'.
He knows how to play your emotions OP so you need to take back that control.

Leave his stuff in the garage - easier to shift and you don't want him 'settling in'.

You shouldn't feel bad for 'persevering', it's given you the experience you needed. Due to the shortage of crystal balls we have to learn through trial and error - and there is no shame in that.

You have to ask the question - why does he want to rush things? Why does he want to be with someone who he knows doesn't want the same things? Have you told him you don't feel any sparks for him?

He sounds devious and controlling - i'd have him out before christmas. Don't let him try and guilt trip you with any 'no room in the Inn' nonsense -we have alternative accommodation options available nowadays

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