Abusive ex SF back in touch - why?

[Strawberryshortcake40]

Yesterday I turned on my FB to see a message and friend request from my ex stepfather. This was a man who physically abused me (with my DMs knowledge), tried to rape me and I had to lock out of my bedroom every night as a teenager (again my DM knew). Last I heard from him was 17 years ago when DM divorced him.

And now he's sending me a friendly "let's meet up" message. WTAF.

I've had a really really bad year, and this has been the glitter on top of the shitcake im dealing with. Obviously I've deleted and blocked but my main concern now is him getting in touch with my eldest DD on FB. I have never told my DCs what happened to me and really don't want to.

And yes I've had counselling. About 5 years ago and I was totally okay with everything, but now I'm not okay at all!

Can you ask your DC to block him now before he has a chance to get in touch?

And maybe talk it all through with a counsellor or trusted friend? These sorts of events will stir up feelings and make you feel not ok - it will pass

I can't tell them without giving a reason really. Last thing I want is to pique their interest.

He spent years "grooming" me and regularly made passes at my teenage friends. So I know exactly where his preferences lie, sadly it's the age my DDs are.

I would imagine your daughters are exactly why he has contacted you.

I think you need to find a way to tell your daughters about this man.

In the interests of their safety online - and then in RL - would it be possible to tell your daughters about the danger this man represents? Easier said than done, especially if you're still carrying the emotional burden of his past abuse. It wasn't your fault yet so often the victim of familial abuse assumes guilt and then a mantle of secrecy.

Not talking about it doesn't mean it didn't happen but it really really wasn't your fault. I'm sure you know this but keeping it all trapped, unspoken, traps the mind for a long long time.

It's clear you don't want to tell your daughters about him, but maybe you need to for their sakes? It might just be that you can head this particular fire off at the pass, kill it before it becomes an even bigger threat than has already been presented.

Some years are really shit, aren't they? Do you have RL support or are you dealing with everything on your own?

How old are your DC s? I think now is the best time to disclose, for many reasons. They may well need safeguarding themselves even if they are older teens and of course you yourself.

Are you able to get into your DD's facebook and block him without having to tell them. If not then I think you need to be honest, as hard as that is.

Hi OP, So Sorry to hear what you went through at the hands of your exSF I'm glad counselling has helped and I think you know it's really important to not let this get a grip on your life again.
You have to take control and by that I think you will have to approach the subject in an age appropriate fashion with your DDs. If you don't want to divulge then by all means don't but I think they need to realise that there are real threats out there in social media. Take the bull by the horns with this one and know that you're in charge! He can't hurt you or your loved ones now. All the best.
(Did you ever report him by the way?)