Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I address this rationally with dh 😒

21 replies

sitha20 · 30/11/2016 23:20

Last year I discovered dh was flirting with women on his phone. I approached him about it and it ended. The flirtatious texts on this were talking about bra sizes. Thereafter I didn't see anything.

Just to say all my discoveries of his flirting, cheating and downright disrespect has been via his phone text messages.

Roll in 2016 and mans been at it again but this time it is explicit. 2 different women. Talks of being "ho", "missing her pu", "i don't have anyone to leave ds with so can we meet another time". I could go on and on with some of the messages I've read. There is also lending and borrowing of money with these women. In September I thought I only knew of one and we discussed it but tbh he did not confirm he'd stop talking to her and I took it on face value he'd stopped. I was naive to think that, as all he did was change her name on his phone to only an initial but had maintained contact. The other woman there had not been contact since June but in the last few weeks they have been talking.

One might say I put myself in this situation coz I checked his phone but I became nosy when one day he passed me his phone to see a picture when a message popped with "good morning sweetie". I didn't ask or react and chose to find time to go through the phone alone. The reason I didn't ask him immediately was I didn't want him to lie and I felt I needed more evidence to be sure something was not right. Wow things are not right he now texts and deletes messages but I've managed to see some.

I want to address this matter with him I'm due in five days and didn't want to distress baby or have active labour due to his behaviour so I don't put myself or baby #2 at risk. Is it rationale for me to bring this up after my delivery and how best to handle it. For the record the trust and respect I had for him has really been broken.

OP posts:
Pallisers · 30/11/2016 23:23

I think you should focus on having your baby safely etc. If you would feel better asking him to leave do so. If you would feel better letting it lie for a while then do that. Tell yourself you will think about it in a couple of weeks and then do.

To be honest, from what you wrote, he will not change - there will always be this low-level lack of fidelity at best. At worst he will be physically unfaithful, if he hasn't been already. Sorry OP but as my mum used to say "you can hide your belongings from a thief, but you can't hide from a liar"

If you can't trust him

Sweets101 · 30/11/2016 23:27

I think you're being very sensible.
Concentrate on you and baby.
Consider whether you want him at the birth, if not let the MW know.
Tell friends/family.

PickAChew · 30/11/2016 23:30

HE put you in that situation, not you. You just accelerated the process bt checking up on a hunch.

And what you have seen is plenty of evidence - hope you took copies.

sitha20 · 30/11/2016 23:43

Thank you all for this I'll keep on track for baby
@Pallisers your mums advise is on point

@Pickachew I have taken pics of iMessages and exported whatsapp messages to my email. It's been like a PI having to grab his phone whilst he is bathing doing it and deleting the emails I've forwarded to myself then deleting the pics. The things he has put me through hey 😔😟

OP posts:
Atenco · 01/12/2016 02:59

So sorry you are going through this, OP. Best wishes with your baby.

Trifleorbust · 01/12/2016 09:01

Definitely the right decision to ignore this until after your baby is delivered and you have recovered physically. But then I wouldn't worry about being rational; he has crossed some lines here. First, focus on putting you and in the baby in a safe and stable position re. housing and finances, then get rid of him.

leaveittothediva · 01/12/2016 09:56

I can't believe you are about to give birth to his child, and this is the level of disrespect he has for you. Definitely concentrate on yourself and the baby, quite frankly you haven't been given much choice by him but to do that. Don't bother talking to him now, it will only stress you out more. I'm of the opinion that he's cheated on you. Decide what you want to do about that when baby is born. Have you any support at all, from family or trusted friend, because you need it. You need to get rid of him, you've been played enough. A deceiver unmasked is still a deceiver. I wish you and baby well. He is beneath contempt.

Adora10 · 01/12/2016 10:26

He is a disgrace, no matter what situation YOU are in he will continue to cheat, he is proving that to you whilst pregnant!

Get rid OP, you don't need that stress, what a vile person he is, and sending them money, money he should be spending on you and baby - no coming back from this, he will just hide it better when you confront him, what a loser.

StefCWS · 01/12/2016 10:34

Get rid, he doesn't deserve to be with you and support you. Imagine if you have him at the birth , youll want to kill him. Sorry he is such a twat, you deserve a lot better.

iremembericod · 01/12/2016 10:36

You sound like you want to stay with this man?

I find that astounding

Personally I wouldn't be thinking about "discussing it rationally" I'd be planning my exit.

Which would probably involve a black bin bag and changed locks. Having a deceitful lying betraying twat around my new baby would pollute the special time.

HurricaneSwallows · 01/12/2016 10:46

What a strong woman you are and he is a distrustful idiot. Keep holding your own until after your baby is born. Then tell him to do one!

Personally I couldn't live with any mistrust. You will drive yourself mad living with a man that you have to keep checking up on.

anon1900s · 01/12/2016 10:49

Leave him immediately.
What a disgusting piece of crap this man is!
You need to do what's best for your child and that is to leave this vile man and teach your child to respect women / to expect to be respected.
Do not stay with this horrible horrible man!

Nanny0gg · 01/12/2016 10:58

anon1900s

Bit much 5 days before birth don't you think?

Let the OP recover and then she can make plans as to the best way to look after herself and her children.

Good luck OP Flowers

Cary2012 · 01/12/2016 18:47

One thing at a time OP. Sorry you are going through this.

Getting baby safely here and you keeping well is the priority so focus on that.

Don't plan anything, just take each day at a time and focus on you and baby and other DC.

There is time to address this later, when you are settled. He won't change, you will need to make a decision, so wait until after baby's here, and you're strong enough.

If you have a close friend you can confide in now, that would really help.

Wishing you a safe delivery

Maverickismywingman · 01/12/2016 18:55

Do you have close family or anyone close that can help you OP?

sitha20 · 01/12/2016 23:10

Thanks for the responses I have family around but at times it's good for other peoples perspective on a situation. Baby not here yet but I'm definitely resting so I deliver safe and well. I'm thinking of how I'll approach the conversation once baby is here.

OP posts:
anon1900s · 02/12/2016 12:34

The 'conversation' should be "I know about X Y & Z so I'm leaving you" end of conversation.
I hope you and baby have a stress free birth, take care!

Maverickismywingman · 02/12/2016 12:44

I was meaning family to support you while you kick him out.

It's tough with it being so close to your due date but I think for your sanity you need to say "I know about the messages and the women and I want you to pack a bag and leave".

Hope all goes well though.

ravenmum · 02/12/2016 13:52

Do you want him around when you have a newborn to look after?

Horsegirl1 · 02/12/2016 14:49

He womt ever change op. These men never do. What a bastad !

Horsegirl1 · 02/12/2016 14:54

I would have to bring it up now with him as it would eat away at me. I'd have it out with him and let him know his dirty pathetic secret is out. So sorry op . You deserve so much better. Please don't believe his lies that he will tell you cos I promise he wont ever change

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread