how to stop thinking it's all my fault?

[user1480516845]

how do you stop thinking that you are the reason a relationship fell apart? I'm in the midst of a mutual breakup where we both still have feelings for each other but have been making each other unhappy for too long.

Can't stop thinking about 'key moments' in the past where I could have reacted differently, or behaved better. Also can't stop thinking about times I snapped at him because I was sad.

I know he wasn't perfect. but can't stop blaming myself

We're socialised from a very early age to believe that we are responsible for other peoples happiness, hence the guilt when we discover we haven't fulfilled the remit.
You have to consciously work through these issues by analysing the social constructs that create them in the first place. And detach.

Relationships are trial and error. Not many people meet 'the one' the first relationship they have. I think you learn from each relationship, and just because it turns out you aren't compatible, no-ones to blame; it just means you know what you want or don't want from your next partner. Don't beat yourself up about it OP. At least you both recognised it wasn't working.

Thank you. I think he felt guilty for failing in making me happy as well. But I never imagined I was putting that much pressure on him. Or intended to do so. I suppose i unintentionally i do put some pressure on partners once I am invested in them. but I like to think I do that in a normal way! And not an over the top and demanding way. Just never sure what is normal and what I can blame on 'not being right' and what ends up being just me being way too needy and demanding

by the way... if relevant.. by far my first relationship or partner!

I'm going to suggest something that may or may not suprise you....if you both have feelings for each other and both think you reacted badly why don't you sit down together and try to work it out?

Because we have been unhappy for so long, it feels like there is no way forward that would successfully move past the misery and anxiety we have been causing each other. Also deep down we know we just wouldn't ever be able to get what we want out of each other

I would advise sit down and talk, try counselling together, (or on your own even though it's couples counselling), and do your best to salvage your relationship - I'm not saying be unhappy but try and salvage it.

Only when you are able to look in the mirror and tell yourself that you tried everything to save it will the thought of guilt and self blame leave you. I think you risk the "what if" hanging over you if you don't.

If you're not treating your partner as well as youd treat your best friend, then youre not being a good partner. In a nutshell.

Making each other unhappy over some time doesn't hinge on behaving or reacting differently a few times, but fundamental incompatibility.

If you feel like being snappy is affecting relationships in general then you can work on that.