Hi all, I've name changed for this one, not sure why really but I feel a bit mixed up today. I'm 48 and I've been in a relationship with Paul (NRN), a wonderful man for nearly 4 years now. I love him very much. We have a great time together our sexual relationship is really good. We laugh a lot, do everything together, our children (both sets from previous relationships) get along great. So nothing to complain about at all. Not in reality anyway!
But in the world of un-reality, my ex (we split 10 years ago) Joe (NRN), crosses my mind now and then, which I think is quite normal? Sometimes I reflect on the times we had and I feel really guilty for saying this, but our sexual relationship especially. I completely adored Joe, we were soulmates, we had so much in common and he made me laugh like no other before. Our sex life was just incredible, almost too intense at times. Anyhow we split up - long story, Joe's life was too chaotic and as I'd met him shortly after my divorce from a 7 year marriage, with a man who, we'll just say "had a bit of a problem in the bedroom" ('nuff said) which didn't stop him cheating on me of course. But back to Joe - I just couldn't take the turmoil his life was in. I was after stability back then and Joe just wasn't right for me then. Anyway that's all history now.
I'm now with Paul and I'm very happy. Thing is, last night I had the most incredibly explicit and erotic dream about Joe. It was so clear, so vivid and even a bit emotional. I could feel his fingers running through my hair, his voice and the things he used to say when we were making love. I was looking directly into his eyes, touching him, his face, his chest. I've never, even as an adolescent had a dream so erotic and vivid as this. Trying not to go into TMD, but I experienced again the things he used to do. It all came back so clearly. I was convinced it was actually happening. I woke up feeling exhausted this morning and slightly tearful. I was repeating his name over and over. Paul woke just after me and reached out for me, I felt so guilty I had to make an excuse and get up, I just knew if Paul kissed me or tried to make love, I was worried I would have been thinking about Joe. I dont love Joe anymore, he's the past. I feel relatively affectionate and warmly about him, or the memory of him anyway, but I love Paul with all my heart, he's my future, the great love of my life. But even as he kissed and hugged me goodbye this morning I felt confused and guilty. As this ever happened to anyone else?
Tell me I'm a complete idiot please and to snap out of it. I'm sure it's just a weird, rude, menopausal dream and doesn't mean anything else? I haven't told anyone yet, I feel so stupid and embarrassed.