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Relationships

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Original poster

OLD dating.....exclusivity chat?

26 replies

skiseasoniscoming · 30/11/2016 07:37

So I've been dating a lovely guy I met online for probably 6 weeks now. Only get to see each other at weekends due to work commitments but it's all going well. How do I find out if it's an exclusive thing or whether he's still shopping around so to speak?

Obviously asking straight out would be the easy answer but I'm just not sure how to word it

OP posts:

KinkyAfro · 30/11/2016 09:44

I think it's a bit early days for that yet, it's only been 6 weeks

60sname · 30/11/2016 09:48

Well now-DH and I had the chat after 6 weeks (or 10 dates in our case).

If you're looking for something long-term I don't see the harm in laying your cards on the table. At this point you're just asking for exclusivity, not marriage and kids! At least you'll know where you stand.

c3pu · 30/11/2016 10:07

I don't think 6 weeks is too soon to for a chat about if they feel like keeping it exclusive.

LesisMiserable · 30/11/2016 10:20

I dont think theres any need to have a chat to be honest. I'm a great believer in letting relationships unfold organically. I never had the chat with DP. After about two months it was just clear to both of us we were a couple. Been together two and a bit years now, met on Tinder.

Mintychoc1 · 30/11/2016 10:51

For me it was date 5 - things were going really well and deep down I knew he wasn't seeing anyone else, but I had to be sure. So I just said "according to mumsnet people can continue dating other people these days, until they say otherwise. So I was wondering, are you seeing other people and do you want to?".

I honestly don't understand people saying "oh it's only been 6 weeks, too soon to ask" etc. I'm nearly 50 and in my youth if you had a boyfriend it was a given that they weren't seeing other people, so this concept of multiple dating is something I struggle with. If I'm having sex with someone then I think I have a right to know if they're having sex with other people, whether it's been 6 week or 6 days!

Lonecatwithkitten · 30/11/2016 11:11

We had the conversation at 2 weeks, again we are both older and not interested in seeing multiple people. It was a very straight forward are you talking to anyone else, neither am I.

TheNaze73 · 30/11/2016 11:57

I'd just ask him. When my current DP asked me, I asked straight away & she was cool with it. We're both ancient though
I'd be highly uncomfortable though, investing time in someone if they were getting jiggy with someone else, simultaneously

YouSunkMyBattleship · 30/11/2016 12:54

Agree with TheNaze.

SmallTownTwirl · 30/11/2016 13:09

Early this summer I said to a man I liked and had been on about five dates with that I was hardly going to sleep with him if he was still asking other people out! He agreed luckily. There are still people out there who can't cope with juggling three women at once. Then 8 weeks later it hit the skids and dumped me! BUT at least I knew for those 8 weeks that he wasn't still looking over my shoulder. I'd clear it up before you sleep with somebody. Otherwise you end up getting too invested and then it all hurts more. If you put it to somebody up front first and they say em no still gonna have an eye out elsewhere I think, then you won't care so much. You can bail before it hurts.

SmallTownTwirl · 30/11/2016 13:11

Mintychoc I completely agree! If I were sleeping with a man I'd feel weird sleeping with another man as well. Like, do I have to hide that? From which one? Neither? Both? Does one of them care? Does neither of them care!?

How did sex become like having a cup of coffee.

HotNatured · 30/11/2016 16:09

My DP told me he was going to delete his Tinder account on our first date and asked me to be his girlfriend on our second date. Life is too short to mess about, I prefer to get the cards out on the table and if they aren't on board no time is wasted / hearts broken. Six weeks is definitely not too soon especially if you are sleeping together. Why would you want to share someone. Yuk.

Mum4Fergus · 30/11/2016 16:46

With DP near 2 years now (met online), I'm not sure we ever had that conversation, it just happened...

isseywithcats · 30/11/2016 17:31

as others have said i just asked him on about the third date if it was just dating between us with other people in the mix or exclusive as i like to know where i stand and he said i always do exclusive and three years later we are now a proper couple who live together

YouSunkMyBattleship · 30/11/2016 19:23

Yes, I would expect exclusivity from the third date at the latest.

As someone else said upthread, when I was younger, someone asked you out and from that moment, you were going out with them. If it didn't work out, then it ended, and that could be after 2 dates, 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years, but there is no way I could 'multi date'. I never have and I never would.

There's no way I'd invest in someone emotionally, physically or mentally if they were still looking around. That's ridiculous.

daisychain01 · 30/11/2016 21:28

DH and I (OLDers) sat scratch our heads, trying to remember whether an "exclusivity chat" ever came into it!

It was

Connect online
Email exchanges for 2 weeks, then he went on a pre booked trip for 5 days
First date 2 days after he returned from trip
Deleted our profiles on his computer about two weeks later.

It didn't occur to us to keep using OLD after (3) above

Original poster

skiseasoniscoming · 01/12/2016 16:39

I don't think he is still using his account but obviously I can't be sure.

Might see if I can steer the conversation that way next time we are together

OP posts:

ProfessorFreud · 01/12/2016 17:03

make a joke out of it. "I dont want to stop you seeing any of your other dates!" then gauge his reaction.

SmallTownTwirl · 01/12/2016 18:41

I met a nice one last night so in that 'hope he does actually call' frame of mind. It felt so right i said goodbye without doubbting it but i know how the days can pass and then you lose momentum to arrange 2nd date

BumDNC · 01/12/2016 20:28

I would not sleep with BF before we had this conversation. About 5 dates in, 3 months of talking

BumDNC · 01/12/2016 20:29

I just said so... are we dating each other and any others? What's your thoughts? I would prefer not to and he agreed

UpYerGansey · 01/12/2016 20:34

We had a chat yes, after several dates. We'd met online on a niche interest site. He'd said very early on that he wanted a monogamous relationship.
It was really more for me to say that I was exclusive to him. And he is to me, I know.

BumDNC · 01/12/2016 20:39

I kind of knew anyway but wanted to just have the chat. It was very brief and non stressful!

Original poster

skiseasoniscoming · 01/12/2016 23:24

OK, thanks for the ideas. I will definitely go down the jokey route as I think that would work :-)

OP posts:

BumDNC · 01/12/2016 23:26

Choose a good moment is key here really, we were relaxed and kind of on the subject of OLD at the time!

Original poster

skiseasoniscoming · 02/12/2016 20:48

Yeah, last time he was over he kind of mentioned it so maybe he was trying to make the chat go that way.

Definitely going to aim to make a joke out of it though

OP posts:

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