Why am I missing him so much?!

[loser102]

I've name changed for this as I know I'm going to seem like a total idiot but need a hand hold!
My Stbxh left about six months ago after seventeen years together and three children. He was my first love, my best friend and I would have loved him forever. He left me after he had a fling with someone else saying he didn't love me anymore. I was heartbroken but I got through it (with the help of anti ds) we are on good terms now but I can't seem to stop loving him. I know I couldn't take him back, he doesn't want that either, but I miss him so much . Not the marriage, or the future we had planned but him, the person who laughed at my jokes, understood my every thought and the person who always had my back.
I don't know what to do for the best, try to be good friends or totally detach?

It might not be easy to totally detach from your STBXH if you have three children together but I think you should distance yourself a little to give yourself time to heal.

Have you considered counselling?

That sounds so human and part of the grief.

I agree that counselling could help you get through it with insight and without bitterness. Ultimately, it will really only heal with time and a new lover.

Nobody who has experienced this would call you an idiot.

I understand completely, I was exactly the same, 18 years together then had his head turned and treated me like a stranger. That was when I realised the truth, he didn't have my back and that was devastating. I don't know your individual circumstances of your break up but once I knew that it was easier for me to regroup and be stronger. It's only human nature to look back and remember the good times but once someone betrays you I just build a wall,perhaps you may want to as well

Loser I nearly posted something quite similar yesterday. My husband would love to be "amicable' and tell me all his troubles and imagine he is my best mate.

I can't do that. Seeing him either reminds me of the person I thought he was and makes me sad, or it reminds me of the all the disgusting and vile things he has put me through and makes me angry beyond compare.

I can't sit around and talk small talk with someone who has literally ripped me apart without the courtesy of an explanation.

I don't miss the person my stbxh is, I miss what he once was and the future myself and my children have been denied. You may be feeling this but it will get better.

Totally detaching and only engaging on necessary child related matters is the way forward.

You need to detach these feelings right now for the sake of your long term wellbeing otherwise, you'll be living in some sort of limbo which is utterly soul destroying.
Moving emotionally away from him has to be your priority if your self esteem, day to day self confidence and personal ability to navigate a way forward is to succeed.
You deserve to move forward with your life now and part of that moving forward is being able to accept that the future is your own to create and yes, at the moment, its a single future but only until you can find someone who is worthy of your love.
And you will!
But you have to invest in yourself first, not him. You have to be bloody minded about your wants, needs, hopes, dreams and rip him out of the picture you have of your future.
Its hard I know. Bloody hard. But one day, you'll look back on all this and think as I did,
"What the hell did I ever see in the twat?"
Now, that can be scary at first because we're socialised to give everything and accept the crumbs that fall from the table; but when you shift your viewpoint a little, get angry about the way you've been treated, get assertive and stop the people pleasing and too, make a concerted effort to stop the internal monologue where the ex features every few minutes on an out-of-control - loop; then you can move forward with confidence and with your self esteem reasonably intact.
At this point, you'll very likely find yourself open to the idea of another relationship.
The less needy you become the more attractive you are - so watch out for the ex sniffing around when you rediscover your total awesomeness - seriously! And make a mental note never, ever, to weaken.
You are strong. You will overcome and you will be happy.
Love yourself first, not him. And never, ever, forget that respectful people don't treat their loved ones the way he's treated you. I couldn't love anyone who disrespected me so very badly. You deserve so much more.

Are your DC old enough to sort their own arrangement out with their dad?
If so I think you need to step right away. I know you miss him so it feels like seeing him will stop you missing him but it doesn't work like that, the more you see him the more you'll miss him. It isn't going to be easy but you need to detach yourself and it will get less painful.

If you read the threads where other people going through similar situations, you'll see that minimal contact is the best strategy.

I know that awful pain of missing them and your past life.
It really does make a difference to set up boundaries and focus on your own life.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I've been on Mumsnet for ages and I know the advice is always to detach and I can see why but I just don't want to let him go. I don't want us to just be nothing to each other.
I ended up texting him last night and he is friendly enough. It does make it worse for me though. I think it would easier if he was horrible to me

OP, a lot of woman would be angry in your situation which is probably a lot healthier than pinning for someone who left you after having a fling. Please don't take this the wrong way but is sounds like you are well rid of him.

I hope you find the courage to let go.

I know and I have been angry but it was getting me nowhere and now it's subsided I just miss him

You spent seventeen years with him and had three children so you're bound to miss him. Time really does heal and there may come a time when you want to meet someone else. You might find it helpful to remember the things you didn't like about him rather than dwelling on how much you love him. Hard though it may seem life will get better and your feelings will change. In the meantime make some new friends and get yourself out there and start a new life. It will be hard at first but if you put the effort in life will get better.

You'll go through lots of different emotions. Could be angry one day, sad the next, missing him, hating him.

I can't stress strongly enough how much better it feels when you can break that connection. It's hard, you're hurting and you are probably craving support. When he's friendly it brings back feelings of security and protection that you had in the past. Bit it's not the same and each time you connect it lifts you a little but then knocks you back down again.