Living only for yourself at 35. Want to give up

[Helloyou4]

How to cope with living only for yourself.

I'm 35. I have been single for 2 years, no DC.

I have a nice life... my job is good, home is nice. Friendships are strong.

I volunteer, and find that helps me feel less alone. But it's not enough. I still come home to somewheee that's lonely.

Ive considered housemates but feel I'm past all that... I like my own space.

I've had enough. What's the point in earning money and having a nice home when you have no family? It's all I've ever wanted, yet I've ended up with a great career and no financial worries... but no family. I resent it all and don't see the point to anyfing anymore. Dreading Christmas and being with family just reminds me I'm the odd one out, driving over alone while everyone is coupled up with their little kids.

I wouldn't dream of trying to diagnose online, without any medical knowledge... so take this with a pinch of salt but follow it up anyway...
sweetie, you might be depressed!

Its perfectly reasonable to be sad as Christmas approaches - so many people are - if you aren't in the circumstances you'd prefer. But, you feel empty, you don't remember who you are, you can't get a buzz from your make-up and don't want to bother...

sounding very much like depression. Get talking therapy, not pills. Your life will improve beyond measure.

Re the talking therapy over pills, I have to say pills worked wonders for me where talking therapy never did.

Keep an open mind and explore whether either/both would help.

I loved talking therapy. Not the CBT kind, though, the kind where you look into your thoughts and feelings and learn more about them. It was really helpful for re-finding what made me tick, what was meaningful. I first tried it when I had mild depression and then actually went back to it a few years later when I wasn't at all depressed just a bit stuck, and it was equally helpful.

I was the same as you OP. I am now over 40 with a lovely DH and 2 little ones. Concentrate on you and what makes you happy, travelling and good friends helped me immensely. Particularly a trip I took to Thailand on my own. Keep up the online dating and don't give up hope

Oh and look into mindfulness meditation I know it's a bit of a buzz word now but it helped me connect to myself

I'd be miserable too in your situation, but agree that you should keep an eye out for depression, from the way you described it. Personally I found a combination of therapy and citalopram the most helpful.

Make sure that you get out during the day now that you don't get any sunshine in the evenings; that you get enough exercise - both light exercise like walking and something livelier - and make sure that you are getting all the protein, iron, vitamins etc. that you need. I have a phone app which adds up all the vitamins etc. in the food I eat and it's been really interesting to see that even a low-fat, high-veg diet is not necessarily enough. Your GP can also check your blood in case it's an iron deficiency or something making you feel especially tired. Even if none of these are the main problem, every little helps.

How often do you go on holiday? When you're alone it's easy to forget that you might need a break. There are some good holidays designed for singles out there: you have others around you who are also not coupled up, might even meet someone, and get to be in a nice sunny place, try out a new sport or do something useful like on a National Trust holiday.

Definitely visit your GP to talk through the way you're feeling. Don't put it off, as they will be able to help you find a way through this. Tell them everything, so that they have the full picture. Ask to see a counsellor, in order that you can talk about you on a regular basis.

You don't have to feel the way you currently are. People want to help and talking to a counsellor will help you find the best direction for you.

May be your GP will sign you off work for a while, and during this time you could contact the people/groups you think can make life more fulfilling for you. Would you consider befriending an older person? www.ageuk.org.uk/health-wellbeing/loneliness/befriending-services/

I met my DH at 35 and a half! married and 2 kids now, so its not too late. I also spent my 20s and 30s building up a career in the absence of any male interest. I had not had a relationship that lasted over a year for about 8 years before i met my DH, so had given up. Keep on keeping on.

OP - you sound absolutely lovely btw. I agree with PPs that losing interest in things and feeling detached is often a sign of depression. I would talk to your GP - there is no need to live under the shadow of this.

The good news is that you are still young! I know you may not feel it, but everything is relative. I felt as if I was getting on in my 30s. Now I've turned 40, I realise it's all about perspective. You will never be as young as you are now! Also, I know lots of people who had babies at 40 plus. No need to give up on this happening for you.

What do you do in terms of socialising, etc. It sounds like you need to get your "mojo" back (sorry if that's the wrong word, this isn't my first language) When you feel good, others will notice and be drawn to you. Do you do anything for fitness? And yes - get a cat (or two)!

It's great that you have strong friendships and family - many people don't. Tell your friends how you're feeling. We all need a little help at times.

I agree with pps about signs of depression.

I also think you should consider getting a pet. I love my single life - my son has grown up and moved out - but I would feel quite lonely without my cat. Cheaper than a child, too 😄

I feel the same. I'm 33, 2 miscarriages from my youth makes me very fearful that I can't actually do it.

I'm single too. Broke up with someone I was deeply in love with because he didn't want more kids. Have tried online dating, but I'm clearly not ready. It's a bugger feeling that time is slipping away.

I know what you mean about envying other people's families. It really feels like there's something wrong with me, as I can't manage what appears so simple to everyone else.

I think that many of us feel that this at 35ish. Some who have spent adulthood building careers and financial security look around and think, "but what about family?". I have friends who married and have children now at school looking around and thinking, "but what about me?".

I think it's an age for taking stock and changing priorities.

Hi OP

Just wanted to say that sometimes, actually, having children and a partner doesn't really fill the hollow you describe. They just keep you so busy that you don't have time to think about it. That might be enough, though.

I too think there's something greater going on with you. To lose sight of the joy of life is a sad, sad thing. Try to think of things that used to give you joy. For me, it's always been nature and the natural world. They put everything into perspective for me. Maybe you have something else.

Good luck, whatever you do. I think you can fix this problem, just perhaps not in the prescribed way you thought you might.

Thank you so much for all these posts. It's really helped.

I feel less alone and you've given me ideas on how to go about making a start to try and fix things a bit. I'm going to think back to what used to mske me happy and slowly put that back together in my life again.

Thank you all so much for giving me the lift I needed.

Appearances can be deceptive. Sometimes we can look at others and think they have the perfect lifestyles. But we are unaware of all their private problems - ill-health, debt, addiction, anxiety, loneliness, guilt, exhaustion, whatever. The grass always looks greener on the other side of the mountain, but when you get there it's just as weedy and still needs mowing. As a PP said, you sound like a lovely person. It's fine to dream of another kind of lifestyle and to actively do things to achieve it, but remember to also enjoy what you already have. Wishing you well🌻

So glad that you're starting to feel a bit better. Life is a work in progress and we all struggle through at times. Keep coming back here to talk - it's good for us, too!

I felt that same emptiness and hopelessness at 35. My loneliness was awful by 37. The job and nice house became meaningless and I had no purpose to my life and couldn't see the point and many people treated me as an oddity for being childless and having a career.

Out of the blue, I met someone at 36, ironically after I had sort of accepted my situation and stopped looking for a relationship and thrown myself into my hobbies! Then boom! Out of nowhere I met a wonderful man with no children, no exes and no 'baggage.' I decided to put my cards on the table and told him very soon into the relationship that I wanted a baby if possible and that if he didn't, there was no real point in progressing into a long term relationship.

He also wanted children, we then started trying and I got pregnant the first month of trying! I am 39 now, we have a wonderful 6 month old baby girl, we are engaged, he is an amazing dad and partner and I can truly say my life has been transformed from that dark lonely time at 35.

It's not too late for you!

However, pregnancy at this age isn't plain sailing for many women. I had an absolutely horrific pregnancy with constant extreme sickness, hyperemesis from week six until the day my daughter was born. I couldn't work and took a massive financial hit and we struggled hugely to get through. I went through massive weight/muscle loss and my baby was born tiny by c-section and needed round the clock hourly feeding for the first four months. It's been the most happy but hardest time of my life. In pregnancy I almost died and was often phoning samaritans because of being so ill. I'm still recovering but now able to work from home, money situation improving and I am so thankful I didn't give up at 35 or in the pregnancy from hell. I just wouldn't be without my little daughter now.

Don't give up! I was the least likely person to meet someone, compatible, who wanted the same as me and then have a baby so soon. I had health issues and believed I had no chance of getting pregnant, let alone so quickly. I believe it happened so fast as I had given up everything bad, smoking, drinking, junk food etc., and started hammering the gym, great diet and vitamins. Pm me if you want. X

It's awful that you feel this way, do you have any dreams yet to fulfill? I think it's hard to do that when you have children, your time just disappears. I wish that I had taken my art to international galleries and done more in that respect before I had my family.

You never know while you're doing that you may meet someone

You sound lovely

I understand why you feel the way you do, we aren't designed to be on our own all the time.

I have friends who have done it themselves (x 2), adopted (x 1) and others who have gone seriously into dating and found someone.

All have now got what you are looking for - all late 30's /early 40s. There are many options open to you and do what you think is right for you but don't give up yet, this is a mere reassessment period.

OP I was you at 35. met DH and now have 2 DC. Sometimes I think I 'settled' with him because he was keen to get on and have a family, as was I. Our relationship is not perfect but we have had many happy times and love our dc very much.

Can you write yourself a to-do list?
See GP - look at depression, Vit D deficiency, general health.
Look at mindfulness or yoga to get you feeling more present in your life.
Explore adoption - start getting information.
Explore sperm donors - start getting information
Explore something different in volunteering, that might bring you some real joy.
Think about a pet, just to have that companionship and unconditional love at home
Look at work options - is there a sideways move you can make? Do your contacts know that you would be open to an approach?
How is your social circle- could you reconnect with some friends from the past that you have lost touch with?
Set yourself a goal that in one way or another Christmas is going to feel very different in 2017!
The whole world has had a crappy year this year - just write it off and look to the future. Good luck.

Oh and buy yourself a stonkingly indulgent Christmas present - day spas are mocked here, but something along those lines, or a complete make-up overhaul with something expensive that will give you a thrill.

At 35 I watched the baby race, a documentary about women having children on their own. At 37 I had dc1 and dc2 at 40. Know you have options and enjoy this time you have and this freedom.

I agree do something completely extravagant for yourself for Christmas. Blow your money on something completely ridiculously indulgent.

It is alright to be on your own. This isn't a popular view but it's true. We are shoved and harassed into coupledom from the cradle and one look at current adverts reinforces this blunt message. As a single person it's hard not to feel odd and an outsider. But objectively there's nothing wrong with it. Take a look at the many threads on here about shit relationships. How many of us put up with rubbish because we've been brainwashed that we can't be alone?
Anyway op, you are valuable and wonderful just the way you are, you don't need an oh or dc to validate you. If it's meant to be, it will happen. Being a good friend is a priceless thing, it's not lauded because there's no money in it for the big businesses.

You may well be depressed, not surprising really. Perhaps taking some time off work will help or seeing more of good people who appreciate you. Try to critically evaluate the messages you've received through life and judge if these are causing you sadness rather than the actual life you live.
Good luck with it. Lots of us struggle with similar

I want to thank you, hello. I've found the thread and posters' wisdom very helpful too.