Am I being unreasonable?

[suzannem]

My ds is going to be one in July, and I want to hold a 'party' for him, with family and a couple of our friends (17 guests in total). It will be summer, so the weather is likely to be ok, and we can all sit outside.

My dh is really unsociable, and always has been. We have always gone out socialising rather than holding our own parties, because dh is not keen on having lots of people round. He is very like his father in that respect. It didn't bother me too much before ds was born, because I loved going out, although I was always a bit embarrassed about owing so many people BBQs etc.

I have been trying to introduce the party idea for a few weeks, and yesterday laid it on the line for him. He basically said that it would be too much work, and he didn't mind have both sets of parents and my sister, but no more. He said that if it rained, we wouldn't be able to cope with all the people in the house. He was also concerned about the amount of work involved in cleaning the house! I replied that other people don't have houses as clean and tidy as ours, but they don't worry. Ours is always pristinely tidy, although could often do with a bit of a dust. He has immensely high standards, and I feel that he needs to chill a bit.

I said that I would do all the work, includung cleaning the house and loos. Mum has said that she will help me prepare all the food. I am going to do party food (easy), and have paper plates etc, that can all be binned at the end, to save work. He then said that I should do what I liked, and that he would go out for the day(!)

I just feel that all I do all week is look after ds. I am not complaining about that but like seeing people at the weekend. Fair enough, he works all week (from home!), and likes to relax at the weekend, but it is ds's first birthday - a special occasion in my book.

Since I had ds, dh has got really controlling and bossy (he always was bossy anyway, which he is the first to admit). I am beginning to think that I am falling out of love with him, and am worried about that, because there is ds to consider. I just want to have a bit of fun. Am I being unreasonable? Please help me, as I need an independent viewpoint.

Oh no, you are not being unreasonable IMO, your DH is.

I read somewhere that a child's 1st birthday should be for more for the parents to celebrate making it through the first year of parenthood than for the child in question and I'd agree with that

You are not asking for the earth, quite the opposite. You are prepared to do all the work, all the organising and he only has to attend and be sociable for a couple of hours. What's his problem?!!!! I'd be p**d off too and you sound as if you are being very reasonable.

He sounds a bit like my stepfather with regard to his high standards: he had these too although it was my mum who had to keep to them! As a result as an adult I'm a complete slut about housework... You're right, he does need to chill a bit and realise that life is meant to be FUN!! HTH.

Oh go for it! It sounds to me like you are pretty well prepared to cope with this yourself and have some support from your mum. It sounds like he is being a misery about not wanting to join in. Your main problem could be dealing with him if he's being a killjoy and you are trying to enjoy yourself.

Just to ask though, how many children are likely to be there? One 1-y-o to look after will be different from seven assorted 1-7 year olds and that might set your dh into a spin.

On a diff aspect, do you know any other mothers with young children that you can get together with on a reg basis in each others' houses? As your child becomes more active and social, your pristine home will come under attack to it might help to know this is normal and part of the terriotory and open up your social horizons.

There would only be five kids (including ds),of which two are over 10, so they could amuse the younger ones, while their parents can also keep an eye on them.

I mentionned future parties to dh, and said that he would have to get used to not having such a pristine house then. He said that ds could have birthday parties at McD's!!

I seriously think that he is a control freak, and am getting a bit concerned how much fun my ds is going to be allowed to have as he grows up. When dh plays with ds, he is allowed one toy out. When I play with him, he gets them all out, and has great fun strewing them all over the floor. It only takes two minutes to put them away again at the end of the day doesn't it!?

SuzanneM you're not being unreasonable at all, it's natural to want to celebrate your son's birthday. I agree with you about the 'control freak' comment, certainly sounds that way - I mean how do you possibly keep a toddler from making a mess???!! We were able to 'contain' my ds to a certain degree when he was one, but he's almost two now and he makes a lot more mess than he used to - I think your dh will have to get used to it. I don't like a constant mess in my house either and I hate seeing toys all over the place, but I know it comes with the territory. IMO your dh is being way too rigid and you're right, it could end up causing problems for both of you if he doesn't change his attitude a bit. I hope all goes well for you and stick to your guns, you deserve to have a little party for your one year-old.

suzannem, he will only become a control freak if you let him, go ahead and have a great party.

SuzanneM

I'm the first to admit I'm not the most sociable of people but wht your dh is doing is not on at all. Anyone that has children should realise that for the next 16 years (if you are lucky only the next 16) you will fight a non-stop war against untidiness and mess.

Also what will happen when your ds starts having people round to play? Are they only allowed one toy each?

He needs to loosen up a bit. My parents were always banging on about tidying up but I soon learned that so long as things are clean a little mess never harms anyone.

suzannem, sounds like you need to go out on your own and let dh look after ds for a while.

A few hours on his own with ds (esp. when he's a toddler) will soon convince him that mess is part and parcel of being a parent...

Go on and have your party anyway. Sounds like he's deliberately being difficult - do you think he feels a lack of attention since ds was born? Is/was he quite spoilt as a child or since? Sod him (sorry) and do it yourself with your mum. If its any consolation most men I know don't get massively involved with organising kids birthday parties.

Some men are such babies.

SuzanneM, no, you aren't being at all unreasonable. Sounds to me like you have your birthday plans spot on for a 1 year old - as WWW says, this one is mostly for YOU, and from this and your other posts you sound like you especially deserve a bit of fun and socialising. I cannot imagine what your last 10 months have been like, at home with your dear little ds awaiting the arrival of Mr Control Freak every night.
The whole point of a summer baby is parties in the garden! Go for it, and if he is out for the day it will be mostly his loss. But I know how sad I would feel in your situation (especially as I am a fat slob ) and like some others have suggested, it might be worth considering seeing a counsellor jointly. I don't think your dh knows how lucky he is.

The comment about going out was a throw in, to try to get a reaction. He was trying it on, and soon realised how silly it was when I said that I would tell everyone exactly why he wasn't there. He has since said that it is ok to have the party (when he saw how fed up I still was today).

Simonhoward - I am surprised and pleased to read your reply. I fully expected you to be on his side, because of the 'no socialising' rules you also have. Thanks for your support everybody.

I completely agree with all that has been said, here, Susanem. You are absolutely not the one who is being unreasonable here. Go ahead and have a wonderful party! And don't do all the work yourself either- tell your husband that you have taken on board his dislike of larger crowds and therefore have delegated the serving of food and clearing up to him so that he has an excuse not to socialise.

I'm quite shocked at your husband's attitude to you generally, from this and your post on the sex thread. His words and attitude sound really very hurtful and unpleasant to me. Have you told him how you are feeling about him as a result? Maybe counselling could help, as others have suggested, if either or both of you are the type of people who go in for that sort of thing?

Very best of luck, Susanem. I hope you enjoy ds's birthday to the full.

P.s. My partner suggests that if he carries out his threat to go out, you should have the party and change the locks!

Hi suzanne, glad to hear you have been given "permission" by your dh to have the party! I can't believe he turned it into such an issue in the first place. He does sound like a killjoy/control freak and seems to have some "hang-ups" with socialising. Counselling for him or jointly sounds like a great idea, but I think you would find it difficult to get him to agree to it - he would probably see it as criticism or an attack, rather than an effort to help. As you say he is like his father, so it is probably something he has learned as a child through observing him - not that it excuses his behaviour but I think it goes a long way to explaining it. I'm sure his mother had some part in it too, as she would have adapted to meet her dh's wants...I'm sure it hasn't been lost on you that you might end up doing the same. Did/does his mother baby him or spoil him - this could explain why he feels the need to be more controlling since ds was born. Very sad for him, and I feel it is not only depriving him of a lot of fun and great memories, but also you and your ds. Do you have a video camera? If not I would definitely invest in one as it's value is immeasurable in later years. Maybe watching a few tapes of your ds as a baby in a couple of years time might make dh aware of how fast he is changing and how essential it is to be involved.

Your ds' 1st birthday is definitely a milestone event to celebrate with family and a few close friends. Your ds won't remember it (although he will love the attention!) but you and your family certainly will and you would regret not having some memories of it later. (Again the video camera is priceless here!) Sounds like it will be a perfect day, don't let dh spoil it - I agree with scummymummy, let him stay in the kitchen and tidy up if he feels he can't cope with the "crowd" outdoors! I'm sure most of your guests will already have a pretty fair idea that your dh is not exactly "party animal" material!

SuzzaneM

I know that I don't like socialising but I realise that most people do and I would never stop dw or dd from doing something like this.

The idea about your dh doing the food and cleanup is a good one as that is exactly what I do. Makes me look efficient and tidy and it means that I don't have to socialise if I don't want to.

I'm sure that once it gets going he will enjoy it. He may be a bit miserable about arranging socialising, but he usually enjoys himself on the day.

I do get a bit down about it, but I usually do get my way in the end! Thanks for all your support guys, I was feeling a bit blue when I wrote this. At least I know that I was not being unreasonable, and I can now start making arrangements. Will let you all know how it went!

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit more positive SuzanneM. DH has never been one to organise a party but I have to confess that when DS was 1 he had 3 parties!! On the day we had friends from the local Mums and Toddlers and a couple of neighbours. Obviously all with Mothers (about a dozen altogether). Then the next day I sent a cake to Nursery. Then on the following Sunday we had family and our friends (20+ guests). I got to be quite an expert at chocolate hedgehog birthday cakes!!

We have an agreement about these things which is basically that I make the decisions and DH humours me. I do all the preparation (which I quite enjoy) and DH does all the cleaning etc and also (now that we have him) entertains DS.

I could empathise to an extent because DH is pretty tidy and also not that sociable but this works for us.

suzannem i'm glad you seem to have sorted out about the party - do agree that it's worth celebrating first birthdays, even if ds won't remember! (h/ever our dd, nearly 1, is just getting a cupcake with a candle as her b/day is so near ds's, nearly 3). I do also find that mummy rather than daddy wants to organise the party and i have certainly been to some where dh is not much in evidence if at all. But i was worried by the comment about your ds only being allowed to play with one toy at a time. Well, basically it made me really sad. Toddlers love to get lots of things and mess about with them, it's part of learning, surely; also they have such a short attention span that they need to flit from one thing to another. No-one wants an untidy house, agreed, but standing on stray pieces of lego as you carry in the dinner is one of the joys or parenting, surely? sorry, don't mean to be rude (and i haven't read your other posts as referred to on this thread) but i wonder if that's something you should look at. Seems to me symptomatic of a deeper problem. Sorry to be doomy and gloomy - hope you enjoy the party, summer babies are indeed made for summer parties.

Thanks Clary - no I don't think he needs counselling. I have made 'joke' comments to mutual friends about the one toy thing, and since then he has relaxed a bit. I found him playing with ds in the lounge today, with the floor covered in toys!

I think he just needs to adjust to not being able to live in a permanently tidy house. I'm sure that will come in time - after all, we've only had ds for 10 months, he has had over 30 years to be tidy - it's a bit of a shock to the system!

I think everyone is being a bit hard on your dh SuzanneM, although in another thread I had a go at him too for being rude to you. Do you think perhaps that parenthood has come as a shock to him? After all we have nine months to get used to the idea, but for men one minute they are one of the lads, the next a father! He probably does need to change his attitude but I'm sure he is aware of this and it does sound as if you are getting through to him. Just give him a bit of time and he will slowly change. After all, if you knew what he was like before you married him or had kids, it's a bit cheeky to expect him to suddenly change now.

My dh is also obsessively tidy (well, in my view he is!). I will clean and mop the floors, scrub the bathroom and windows, etc, etc, and he will come home and pick up on the fact that I haven't put the morning post away! But I knew he was like that when I met him, we make a joke out of it now and we compromise, he tries not to be so picky and I try not to leave things lying around.

As for the BBQ idea it is a lovely one. We did the same when dd was one and although dh was very reluctant at first to have anyone round the house, he was soon persuaded when I told him that I was doing it for charity, everyone who came made a donation to the charity I work for. Dh did all the barbecuing and I did the buffet, drinks, oven, entertaining, etc. Just tell your dh that if he does the BBQ he won't have to speak to any of the guests or be asked to do anything else, just cook burgers. It's what they like doing anyway!

Have a great day and go easy on your fella, give him a bit more time to adjust. But don't forget to make time for yourself too, don't let him take you for granted.

suzannem, yes, do go ahead with the party. You will feel so very resentful if you give in to your husband. My dh, though pretty sociable, can also be a bit of a control freak about things like this. He likes to originate our social plans. When I plan any social events for us, (hosting or visiting) he does like to lay down rules in advance ie expected times, areas out of bounds etc. He seems to need the reassurance that we have a plan. As long as these rules are adhered to, we are fine. If not, he can feel really betrayed. I am happy with more chaos, but have found out that as long as we can agree on the details ( big to him, small to me) peace should reign.

So I'm wondering, do you think it will help if you agree to certain ground rules for the party, just to keep your dh happy? If he sees events can be ordered this time, he may be more agreeable to hosting future parties.

Also, if he really doesn't want to play an active role in this party, don't pressure him. Just go ahead and enjoy it.