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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How would you feel about this...

47 replies

Conlinee · 28/11/2016 19:11

Mil and sil have told DP they want to see my lb of 9month more and on his own...without me there ...they want to be "in charge" . How would you feel?

OP posts:

TheCakes · 28/11/2016 20:15

Could it be that they mean they want to get used to being in charge before they find themselves doing it regularly in the new year?
When you are at work, they'll have to manage without you, which can be quite daunting if you haven't done it for a while.

Original poster

Conlinee · 28/11/2016 20:23

They see him every week for a full day and for a bit on a Saturday....since the wk he was born. We go out...for walks, shopping, soft play, the farm, days out etc he knows who they are and they've had him out twice for the afternoon without me already. But I offered it to them...now they saying this. I'm happy and chatty and polite/give them space with him, I can't do no more! What's boiling my pi** actually (well this is an example) when he was 3 month old mil said I Must let her take him on her own cos I had to at some point. I said-when I'm ready- and I did....yet it took her bloody 18month before she left her stupid dog in the house on its own!

OP posts:

OldGuard · 28/11/2016 20:25

To be honest, I think this all comes down to respect

If you feel your wishes on how you raise your child are respected, there is no real issue with someone minding you child for a bit - the issue comes when they don't and they want to be "in charge" to press their own agenda / ideas which they know you don't agree with

My mil outright lied about where she was taking our child, who our child would be with, what she fed our child, who she left our child with, etc etc - it completely undermined my trust in her to this day

I'm not talking about whether or not they sneak a treat in or stay up half an hour later - there needs to be some degree of flexibility - I am talking about issues relating to safety, health, and ideology that are important

AnyFucker · 28/11/2016 20:31

In 2 months they will bending him without you there, so perhaps they want to build up to full days and iron any little problems out now ?

I think you are over reacting, personally, and I see nothing but more self inflicted stress and pressure when you commenced relying on them for child care

If they make you so ill, use alternative childcare when you go back to work in less than 2 months. You can't have it both ways.

AnyFucker · 28/11/2016 20:32

*be minding

If they are bending him, you might have a point

Original poster

Conlinee · 28/11/2016 20:35

OldGuard .....I know he will be safe and looked after. I no she loves him. I also no they'll give him treats and spoil him. But we do have a few different ways of thinking....I mean I work in dentistry so I'm bound to be a bit more hot on treats and diet/sugar yet back in the day she used to give my partner banana with sugar on top and honey ...im not keen on walkers....she's hammered my partner to buy one....im looking at it in my living room now ....I'll see how it goes...

OP posts:

Original poster

Conlinee · 28/11/2016 20:40

Anyfucker- yeah I get you, and I have thought of this, I think it just would've been better if they'd talked to me, instead of going through DP and relaying the msg.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/11/2016 20:47

Perhaps they were afraid of the reaction they would get ?

Bottom line, if you are not comfortable with them having baby without you there then you are being somewhat inconsistent here

Will you be paying them, incidentally ?

Damselindestress · 28/11/2016 20:50

They are not in charge because he's not their baby and they need to accept that. You are already being accommodating by letting them see him weekly.

Damselindestress · 28/11/2016 20:54

Sorry missed that you will be relying on them for childcare, which changes the dynamic a bit. There will need to be some compromises if you want to do that but I would feel uncomfortable with her saying she wants more time with him without you there outside of the childcare and wants to be in charge. Sounds like there are some boundary issues that need to be negotiated.

JenLindleyShitMom · 28/11/2016 21:00

Christ people are odd. They're odd to say "be in charge" like that but also, I'd be throwing him at them and hitting the nearest bar, cackling and saying "SUCKERS"

AnyFucker · 28/11/2016 21:35

Yep, I have never understood people who hang onto their PFB'S and never leave them at least with close family

My IL'S had mine once bf was established at 3 weeks old during the day. Then ASAP for overnights.

I loved having the break. They loved having baby "to themselves"

springydaffs · 28/11/2016 21:39

I don't blame you for feeling freaked out about it. I was frantic with my firstborn eg went shopping locally and she wasn't there when I got back, ILs had taken her. I was practically frothing at the mouth with panic.

JenLindleyShitMom · 28/11/2016 21:47

went shopping locally and she wasn't there when I got back, ILs had taken her. I was practically frothing at the mouth with panic

Well that is, quite frankly, ridiculous! Panic?? Were they known child abusers?

springydaffs · 28/11/2016 22:11

iyo, Jen. Obviously you are not a frothing at the mouth type when it comes to PFB.

Unlike moi. Not a bit ashamed of it and feel for op, especially the 'taking charge' element. My young SIL had a similar response to you, pre mother days, and just yesterday my boy told me a story, decades after her scorn towards me, about her and her PFB that was remarkably similar. That'll learn her.

Perhaps you've forgotten, Jen.

PH123987 · 28/11/2016 22:25

Hi Conlinee

I feel like you are describing everything that I'm currently going through! Although they haven't directly asked to have my 6 month old to themselves yet, I can feel they are building up to it, particularly as MIL has said a few times "can't wait to take you to feed the ducks", "can't wait to take you to the park" after each time there's always an awkward silence. They have also bought their own cot and pram (without telling me or DH) - They've not been used yet, and they won't be for a long time.

I am going back to work next Spring part time with a day or so WFH (our company allows us to if there are childcare issues provided you get your work done). For the days I'd be at the office I wanted to use daycare. My DH massively disagreed with this and says that he wants his mum to have him and that she'd be really upset if she was sidelined. I really don't want this, a few reasons being:

my MIL had a miscarriage 30 years ago and she learned it was a baby boy. She is quite a spiritual person and went to see a fortune teller/Medium type thing last year. She told me a few months before I gave birth earlier this year that the fortune teller told her that the soul of her miscarried son would be reborn in "a" grandson! I know she believes this because she's into all of that and now im paranoid that she thinks my son is really her son reborn and as stupid as it sounds, I feel very threatened regarding what she might say to him when I'm not there. E.g. "I'm your first mum". She already refers to him as "my baby" and when we are all together she will always say "he looks just like daddy" (never me!) and "oh look, he's looking around for his daddy" (when he's blatantly looking at me!) Some of you may think I sound ridiculous but I just can't get this out of my mind; maybe it's my hormones.
secondly, on a few occasions she's given me "advice" on things for DS which are just plain old wives tales e.g. Putting cardamom pods into his bottle to settle his stomach, giving him cows milk at 4 months, putting honey in his milk, all of which I have not-so-subtly declined and I have told her that I prefer to seek the advice of professionals. She's stopped giving it now but it still worries me that she'll experiment with her homemade concoctions while I'm at work and I'll be non the wiser. My hubby is very assertive and she will listen to him, so I just hope he sets out the boundaries to her, although I will be making sure that they are communicated mainly by me so that she understands who the mother is here and who makes the rules when it comes to my DS

Lewwat · 28/11/2016 22:34

Surely it's better you get over this now rather than having this stress whilst trying to fit back into work surely?!

Do you have concerns about your own mum having your child alone? Or just mil

JenLindleyShitMom · 28/11/2016 22:34

Forgotten what? how to froth because my child's grandparents have taken them out for the afternoon? It's a ridiculous reaction unless they are known to have dropped a child down a manhole or something. Have they? What were you so panicked about? What did you think would happen that was worthy of frothing?

springydaffs · 29/11/2016 06:50

Ffs Jen, get over it. Not everyone is hard as nails like you.

Pack it in with the scorn, lovely.

PH that is unsettling! I think what you, I and op are threatened by is the assumption that our baby is the property of the ILs. In my case I had a cultural thing to face (ie I was the brood mare that had provided them with a child; my role incidental, inferior to theirs ; that once I'd delivered said child I was redundant) but many families can assume the baby belongs to, is the property of, the whole family.

Hopefully they mean well op, just different expectations.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/11/2016 07:20

Conlinee

You also have a partner problem; he is also unwilling and unable to stand up to his mother and sister. He does not therefore have your back fully. His mother browbeated him into getting a walker and now its in your house. If you do not want such a thing then get rid of it, that is something you can do.

His mother has already been a parent and she will likely do similar to your child as she has done to her own now adult children. I think she wants to play at being a parent again.

Your boundaries have been way too low when it has come to these two and they have taken full advantage of this.

I would also find alternative childcare as a matter of course. Do not use any family members.

Original poster

Conlinee · 29/11/2016 07:23

PH, omg I feel for you. i can totally imagine how you feel. But....you will get stronger and balance out....

Lewwat- my mother has him on her own yeah no issues ha it's relaxed. DP takes him out, and little ones been doing 2 half days a week settling in at the childminder so it's not like I don't want to let him out my site I think some ppl may have took it that way

I think me and mil are just different ppl as well, I'm chatty and sociable, she's straight faced, no craic, and its like getting blood out of a stone. DP and sil know she's hard work as well it's just the way she is. Sil is a little 19 yr old princess works in a nursery and thinks she's the dogs bollocks for looking after 8 kids at once. Sorry for the rant. Today's a new day lol. Thanks for all your replies x

OP posts:

Angelitron · 29/11/2016 07:29

My sil and mil were exactly like this.

They get very little time with the children as they are so fucking odd with their need for control.

They never get the children alone.

Put your foot down, say that maternity leave is so short and precious that you are not ready to leave baby yet. Plus routine is king and you are working on that.

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