Don't like the way DH communicates with me - how to change?

[WonderWine]

DH seems to refuse to ever accept responsibility for anything. Even when he has obviously screwed up he will always try to blame someone, or something else. He seems unable to say 'I'm sorry, I made a mistake/ I was wrong" and then move on.

For a while I just let it go, but now I'm concerned about the example he sets for our sons and I've started calling him out on it more when it happens.

Here's the latest example. We were out with some friends at the weekend and DH was asked if he was free to see a (blokes) movie on Weds. He says no, as he's going to a live event with DS that evening. My ears prick up and I ask 'what event?' as it's the first I've heard about it.
The way we run our family calendar is that we send 'meeting/event calendar requests' to each other, and to whichever teen is involved. Then everyone has the info to hand on their phone and we can plan meals, lifts etc accordingly.
Anyway, I knew I hadn't seen anything and didn't have a calendar event, so said this, but DH kept saying 'Well I definitely sent it. Not my fault if you haven't put it in your calendar' and similar comments in front of our friends.
I'm wasn't going to argue in public, so didn't say much more, other than 'let's check later'.

Sure enough, when I check, it's not in my diary, so I just sent him an email saying it's not in my calendar, can you resend it.

Here's his response:

"I’ve sent it to you – looking at the PC rather than my phone it looks like you were missed off the original. I booked this months and months ago and [DS] definitely has it in his diary."

When I read this, I just see the following:
looking at the PC rather than my phone - 'it's the phone's fault for not displaying it all correctly'
it looks like you were missed off the original - something happened remotely which is not linked to the fact that I failed to add your name/email
I booked this months and months ago - therefore you should know about it by now. It's not my fault you're not telepathic.
[DS] definitely has it in his diary - therefore he should probably have told you. I managed to tell one person - do I get a gold star?!

I feel like replying
Did you actually mean to say “I’m sorry, my mistake, it looks as if I did miss you off, although I swore blind, in front of our friends, that it was you who was at fault here”

There isn't a special language that you need to learn to communicate with your not so dear H in, you've got the measure of him, he can't admit his mistakes and therefore never takes responsibility for them. The interesting thing here is, that you intend picking up the slack (childcare) for his mistake, why is that? Why do you enable his bulshit?

This isn't a communication issue (although your questioning him in front of friends is untimely), it's an attitude problem and there isn't a damn thing you can do to change his but you can stop being his emotional bulshit dumping ground by ignoring it and stop fascinating it by picking up his slack.

I never see what people find attractive in people who can't admit their failings and especially when they're the ones getting blamed for them.

Has he always been like this or has he suddenly become obstinate? Because if he's always been this way he won't ever ever change. Ever. Not ever. My ex was like this. He would reflect it on me though and say I was the one who couldn't admit I was wrong - he also used to 'fact check' things I said on Google (like another poster does to her husband) - can I say that's so condescending. It's a relationship not a mastermind semi-final! Anyway, yeh, he won't change, he'll just become more obstinate.

It's a relationship, not a mastermind semi-final!

Oh I love that. So true. I take what people tell me at face value, unless it sounds ridiculous (or I'm at work and it's important that I check the information I'm being given) but dh would want a bloody PowerPoint presentation with sources listed to validate everything I said! It's so infuriating! If he does that now, I just say, I haven't got a flipping document ready for you. He also used to stop me mid-conversation and ask how what I was saying was relevant. Like we were in a courtroom. Relevance, your honour! Doesn't do it anymore after I pointed out that it was not his place to decide whether my contribution to our conversation was valid or relevant, and it was bloody rude, and anyway a normal, relaxed conversation with someone's spouse / partner / friend / normal human being shouldn't be subject to live fact checking or someone piping up and saying, RELEVANCE?

Learned behaviour here. He's unlearned it.