Trust issues over porn use

[murron]

Hi there.

Not sure what I hope to get from this, maybe I just want to share anonymously.

Me & DH have been together nearly 30 years, married for 24. 2 young kids age 11 & 6. We've had our ups & downs over the years but it's generally been a good marriage.

Earlier this year I discovered he'd been watching porn several times a week though I suspect he'd have watched it more if he had the opportunity. Anyway, I was shocked, angry, hurt, disappointed. I was also a bit relieved as I'd noticed a lot of changes in his behaviour & my mind was running riot as to why. It took me a few months to confront him about it. Rightly or wrongly I wanted to snoop & monitor his useage to see what I was up against.

He laughed it off saying he'd come across it, enjoyed it & it was just something to do. I gave him the benefit of the doubt & he agreed to stop watching if it upset me. There has been a few occasions since where he's set off a few alarm bells - a couple of times asking me for the password so he could watch porn - but nothing too much. However, recently there have been more & more of his old behaviours starting to show.

I know this sounds like a major overreaction but his whole personality changed so quickly last time. I don't want to go into too much detail but he became a person I didn't like too much & came across as a creepy lech & everything about him started being about sex. I'm frightened it's going to happen again.

Thing is, I don't know for sure if he's even bothering with porn again, it's just a gut feeling triggered by some of the behaviours he's shown recently.

He can't access from home anymore due to parental controls, etc & his phone has a very low data allowance so it's unlikely he's using that but i know there are plenty of other avenues where he could access if he wants to & that worries me too, especially if he's viewing at work.

I feel I can't trust him even though I have no real reason not to other than a hunch.

Please, no posts telling me all men watch porn & he's normal - I get that. It's the personality & behaviour changes I can't cope with. It's my trust issues I hate. It's the thought that someone who's always made me feel safe & loved can make me feel so shit.

I'm so worried that we can't get past this & the past 30 years will be chucked away

Not all men watch porn and you are perfectly in your right to ask him not to do it in your home, not all men need it, some are more than happy with a real life sex life and don't need that crap to get them in the mood, it's not a necessity, it's a choice, a want, and tbh any man who couldn't leave it alone wouldn't be with me.

Not all men watch porn.

You say you've been together thirty years. If you do split, you aren't chucking away thirty years, any more than you threw away twelve years by leaving school. It's still shaped your personality and your life and given you your beloved children.

It's ok to grow out of each other. I'm guessing purely by the numbers that you were very young when you got together, so it's hardly a surprise that you aren't the same people now as you were then. Maybe the now-you and the now-him just aren't compatible. If you're unhappy, that's enough to justify calling time.

What matters is that his behaviour has changed - and there's any number of possible causes. Can you ask him about it? Phrase as "I feel..." if you don't want to sound accusatory/aggressive/attacking.

If you can't ask him about the changes, is your marriage already over?

Thanks for your responses. As I said originally, not sure what I wanted by posting. I know I need to talk to him again, just feel a bit paranoid when it's only a hunch that I've got & I'm a bit scared I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

Mrs Hathaway, yes, we were very young but we've grown up together & yes we're very different people now but I still think we're a good team. I'm not sure why he feels the need to watch porn other than its easy to access, he likes it & he believes he's doing no harm. Obviously I see it differently because of the behaviour changes - which he doesn't see in himself.

If it matters to you, it matters. You are important.