Not sure where I'm going with this, but would like other opinions, as I'm being made to feel as if my opinion is an overreaction. I'll try to keep it short.
Been with DP for 20 years, have kids. There is a possibility he cheated a few years into the relationship (denied), and also had his eye on someone he had worked with for a few years with a view to leaving me. Apparently she wasn't interested and he stopped communications. (If I had known all the details at the time I wouldn't have bothered staying.) He said these things happened when we were going through a rough patch, strangely hadn't mentioned to me how bad it was at the time.
Anyway, things have been largely good in the meantime, although I have had my doubtful moments here and there, not helped by the fact that every so often I come across shit loads of porn on his computer despite the fact he has said he won't look at it. And uses incognito browsing, so there's plenty I don't know about. I did react badly the first time I found it, although I have a bigger problem with the ongoing secrecy and lies, tbh. We've had a 'rough patch' for the past few months, with related arguments. Now he's suffering from ED. Blamed it on me and my trust issues, then medication. Doc reckons it's psychological and gave him some Viagra type tablets until his confidence came back. Tried one recently and it didn't seem to make a difference. Funnily, he's good to go 2 or 3 nights anyway if he's in the mood. I recently tried a few different things to spice up the bedroom, was good for a while but he told me the other day it's too much effort and he just wants vanilla sex. All well and good, but I had discovered I liked the spicy stuff! I tried to explain this, he just said his libido may come back when things settle down ie I stop getting on his case.
I really don't get how he reckons he has no libido when he's up for it on his terms when he's horny. I asked what I should do in the meantime, he said he'd had to go with porn and masturbation when he wanted sex and I wasn't in the mood....(??small children, insecurity about cheating/porn??)...is he taking the piss? I've never given him reason to feel insecure about our relationship and he's saying I should be patient until his libido comes back and use porn?!?
Porn for women is notoriously lacking, plus it doesn't help with the anticipation and sensations which are a big part of it for me. Am I just being a selfish cow? Or does he just want it all on his own terms?