It's a long story, so I'll keep it as brief as possible. My situation at the moment is I'm extremely depressed and I can't get out it. I'm confused, I don't what to think or believe anymore.
I have two young dcs, 5 and 2. When I was pregnant -after having had a miscarriage-with my younger dc, my husband of 10 years had befriended a work colleague. He spent a lot of time together with her and I knew there was an attraction. We moved to be near his family and I was lonely and stuck. I became jealous and insecure and he accused me of being jealous, possessive and paranoid. ( When I was 11 weeks pregnant with my younger dc, I had a bleed, obvs scared, it was fine, but that evening he left me and spent with ow.) I even confronted this ow and she told me they were just friends. What had made me so anxious is that when I had gone away to my parents with my older dc ( I was 14 weeks pregnant), they had shared a kiss. Ow told me it was a mistake and her dh knew. They all made out I was crazy. My husband then turned against me, he was constantly angry, he didn't want to be with me, he took off his wedding ring he told me he was falling for this ow. I lost all self worth. She became pregnant, her and her dh were very happy, so I thought well no threat there. I became friends with her to try and make my husband happy, as he wanted her in his life, but I felt so insecure that I had to stop.
Anyway, a few years on, a couple of months ago, I found out by looking on his phone that I was right. He admitted it all. They had been fucking since my pregnancy, that kiss wasn't just a kiss, ow thought her baby could have been my husband's, (yeah, he's exh now). They fucked in my home, he pushed me away in my pregnancy and supported her in hers, even though there was a small chance the baby was his. He made me feel I was failing and gave her all the praise.
When I found out, I was in complete shock and tried to talk and understand it from both of them, but that feeling faded as the reality sunk in and I uncovered more and more. My ex wants me to forgive him, he wants to move on. He can't understand my anger and pain. He doesn't do his bit with the kids, he smokes weed all of the time, he's lazy. He tells me that I never loved him, because i never let him go. He loves the ow, because she bought him happiness and she's been able to let him and him her. I confronted her so many times to tell me the truth and she lied to me. Now that ow is not in my exh's life, he's being nice to me, wants us to start from the beginning, spends a lot of time with me and kids. It makes me so angry. I did 95% of the childcare to make him happy, to save the marriage, to be a better person. I never had a life.
I feel completely broken. I believed in my marriage, in him. I loved him so much. I thought what we had was special, something I would never have with anybody else, but he had that with her. The past 12 years seem like a complete lie. I regret ever being with him. And I'm obsessed, I can't stop thinking about them fucking. Is that normal? Ive started smoking and drinking, I've lost nearly 2 stone. My friend feels that my exh is emotionally abusive, as he manipulated me a lot and kept telling me I needed to change to save the marriage (I think he was also scared that I'd leave with the kids)... But he tells me I was ea. I don't know anything anymore. I hate feeling like this. He wants us to be friends and still do stuff together as a family, Xmas etc. Watch movies together. I'm so unhappy.