Am I having an innapropriate relationship with my ex husband?

[ThePoloHole]

We were together for 18 years and have 2 DC (teen and a 9 year old). Divorced for 4 years (he had an affair and I divorced him).

The first two years were hell. The next year we mended bridges, both found new relationships and moved on. We're now 5 and a bit years on from the split.

If you were to ask me how our relationship is I would say we are good friends. Access to the DC and money have never been an issue between us. If he is working nearby he will call/text and drop in to see the kids for 10 minutes on his way past, we'll have a cuppa and then he'll go. We keep in regular contact about the kids (we've had some issues with teen starting school and discipline stuff) there are also lots of extra curricular stuff that needs regular sorting out around our working hours which change week on week.

The issue is that his partner knows nothing about any of this. She is quite uncomfortable with us being together alone and (in her own words to me) feels like she is competing against a lot of history. We get on very well on a surface level (keeping up appearances for the DC) but that's about it. Ex and I have discussed this and he says he understands why she feels that way but isn't prepared to stop dropping in on the DC or maintaining a friendship with me.

Some other examples are: something in the house broke and needed fixing which is his trade. I didn't tell him as I knew he would offer to fix it and I knew his Dp wouldn't like it. The DC ended up mentioning it and he asked why I hadn't told him, he then turned up and fixed it anyway and said it wasn't my problem if she didn't like it. I said I was uncomfortable basically lying to her and he said he understood her position but didn't agree with it, it's his DCs house and there's no point in paying someone to fix something he could for free.

Something in my house broke (kitchen appliance) ex bought us a new one off his own bat (he has more money than I do) but I'm under strict instructions to not tell the DC that he paid for it as he doesn't want his partner to know. FWIW I didn't know he had ordered it until it turned up. I would have told him not to buy it if I did. He says nonsense this is where his DC live.

If the DC have a school play we all have to go on different nights as she doesn't want to be there whilst I am there. Again, it seems a bit silly but it's her choice. In a few weeks DS has a play and we will all have to go on the same night due to work schedules. She is now not coming and has text me asking if I'm sure I can't change?!

I really am looking for objective outsider opinions on if I am colluding with ex behind her back (to the extent that she has no idea how often ex comes around or we are in contact) or if she seems a bit over the top and is being pandered to.

I personally wouldn't trust ex an inch so I can see why she may feel that way even though I know we were over and done with years ago. I am no longer in a relationship as of a year ago which I think makes her worry even more.

Opinions?

Its not your problem..........if anything this P of his is driving him further to you with her manipulative jealous behaviour and if not you it will be someone else. They are obviously rowing about it.

I've extended the hand of friendship to her a few times. We were having a big birthday dinner for teen at a restaurant. DD asked if daddy would be coming, I messaged his partner and asked if they would both like to come as DD would like it.

She decided not to and text back saying they would be taking her out to dinner themselves and wouldn't be coming (even though ex mil and fil were coming). She thinks it strange we are friends and it's not the norm amongst her friend group

I love how he just fixes things round your house as "its his kids home" - how I wish my dd dad had that same attitude towards us.
Imo your exes partner has a problem because he is, as you say, untrustworthy. You divorced him for an affair, after all. It is up to him to make his partner feel secure in that respect, and from the sounds of it he hasnt a clue how to and doesnt care either.
If I was her, id be thinking about whether he was worth it.

He had an affair when with you because it suited him to behave the way he wants to without a care for you as his wife.

Now he's continuing to behave how he wants without a care for the feelings of his current partner because he's got no respect for her either.

What we consider to be acceptable in another persons relationship isn't relevant. What is relevant is being honest with your partner and allowing them to decide if they still want to be with you if you openly reject the boundaries they want.

What's also relevant is that he is expecting you to lie by onmision making you complicit in his behaviours.

My parents split, both were upfront in new relationships that they will be maintaining a close relationship with each other as friends. New relationships ended, my step mum and mum are best mates independently of my dad and it got that way because there was openness from the start.

thanks for all your replies. Lots to think about.

ThePolo.
Think back. Was your ex this attentive towards the children and the house when you were actually married to him?
I doubt it.
Why is he so keen to play happy family/doting dad now that he's left you?

He sounds sly and is secretly enjoying having two women to flit between.

Another thing to consider.
If you were with a current partner/husband, would he be so quick to pop in all the time?

I wonder what other secrets he is keeping from this DP. Perhaps he has been found out doing other things rather than just being friendly with you and DC's. Paranoia sometimes is not unjustified. Just wondering why she feels the need to keep him on a leash?

Your original op made me go cold.

My now exp was exactly like this with his ex wife and kids. I had absolutely zero issue with the contact (I have an ex h and we have a good co-parenting relationship).

What did make me massively uncomfortable was the way he behaved and acted like he was only doing it for the kids. It also frustrated me that she seemingly couldn't do a thing for herself ... which I'm sure is the BS ex fed me.

It built and built, he was constantly popping in and doing things... turns out he was doing the greatest of 'look how wonderful I am acts' and managed to persuade her into taking him back. All whilst still seeing me and continued to do so until I caught him out.

So I'd be wary as you have no idea what and how he is portraying all of this to her... whilst it looks perfectly normal and reasonable to you.

I see nothing of my ex now because our kids are now adults, but about a year after we split our DS asked him (without telling me) if he could pop round after work to fix the family computer. So he turned up and fixed it, took him a couple of hours. During that time his partner (who was the OW) must have texted and phoned him twenty times. She hated that he was doing his son a favour. Ex said it was because I was there! Yes of course I'm here, I thought, it's my home and I didn't know he was coming round.

She has always been like this about me, never minded him seeing his kids as long as it meant they went to their house, or met them somewhere. She couldn't stand him spending totally innocent time with me.

All I can think is that she's insecure and doesn't trust him an inch.

I think that's what is happening here to OP. You're doing nothing wrong, so carry on as you are.

I honestly wouldn't overthink it.
He is the father of your children, and what he does for you makes a lot of sense to me, because of course in-turn it benefits them (and that's the way it should be in my book).
She chose to be with someone who has children, and it would make it a lot easier for her if she wasn't trying to divide and conquer, which is obviously back-firing because your ex is now being secretive about what he does for his own children!!
A very insecure and emotionally immature lady, but there's not a lot you can do about that, that you haven't already tried.

Your relationship isn't inappropriate but he is not managing his new relationship well. He should be being honest with her about all the contact with you, and really should be encouraging her not to avoid things like the birthday meal and school play. Ideally, over time she would become more secure with the idea of your friendship. If not, well at least she can make an informed decision about whether to continue to be with him.

The secrecy will only confirm her unease, presuming she is already aware of his cheating past. I agree with pp that he seems to get a kick out of the secrecy and jealousy.

I'm not sure there is a hidden agenda on his behalf. For example the holiday home, I know they had a big row about it as the DC told me about it. All of this is kept from the kids usually (the birthday meal I told DC they were busy that night). DD asked her dad why I wasn't allowed to use the house anymore and his partner told her that it wasn't my home she'd put a lot of money and work into it and it's their family home now. And I agree with her to a point. Ex said to DD that he felt it would be ok for me to use it with the DC but not on my own and exs partner walked out of the house for the day.

I don't think I'm being portrayed as helpless by ex and he was as involved when we were together, just terrible at keeping it in his pants.

He didn't do House things when I had a partner as he didn't need to. He doesn't need to now! He's only done them when the DC have told him about it.

She doesn't know we text about the DC etc as much as we do as he's always reminding me to delete the texts. The DC use the iPad and all my texts go there as well, so I presume he doesn't want them mentioning to his partner that he's text me.

She really is a lovely woman and I've text her in the past thanking her for everything she does for the DC. When we do spend time together she is polite but standoffish

She doesn't want to admit you all agree but will text you about dc to be in control.
I can see why your ex doesn't tell her how good friends you are.
I couldn't allow her to call me about my dc it would have to be their father who did this.
Don't put up with her behaviour and deal directly with your ex. You have tried to be friendly, she doesn't want to know, so why does she text you?
It's her I wouldn't trust.

I don't think it's an inappropriate relationship and her insecurities come from her knowledge about your Ex, even though she wasn't the OW.

I think it's great that your Ex shows the concern he does, but I think you should keep your texts private and not accessible to your kids.

You have kids and will always communicate about them. If she can't deal with it, she should have gone for a man with no children.

If she chooses not to attend the school play, that's her problem. She's actually behaving as if you are the OW.

Maybe she's been cheated on before and is insecure and paranoid. She's scared that you get on so well and that he'll get back with you.

I don't understand why you actually need to communicate with her much either.

I think she's very chilish telling your kids about the holiday home and if I were you, I'd stick to dealing with your Ex and not her.

Your ex sounds great, and it's great for the kids.

He shouldn't have to lie to her, he's doing nothing wrong.

Your are not doing anything inappropriate at all. The problems are all between him and his partner. He is doing things without telling her, she has a suspicion he's not telling her everything, she's getting paranoid, he's getting annoyed at her being paranoid, the whole thing just goes round and round in circles.

All you can do is not get involved in lying, and not let the kids get involved either. If he says "but don't tell her" then you should say "no, sorry, we don't keep secrets. If you don't want her to know then don't do it.

It's his mess, but if it's impacting on your kids then sadly it becomes your mess too.

I would say, if she knows he cheated then she knows he is a cheater. Hence why she is worried. I would be to if I were her (not on your part) but she shouldn't be with him (or he shouldn't be with her) if theres no trust :-)

You are in a difficult situation. I would tell your ex that you aren't prepared to lie and he either needs to stop doing the things he wants you to lie about or be open with his partner.

My DP has kids and I'm not overly fond of his ExW due her manipulative ways but I put my feelings to one side for the DSC. I spend time with ExW with the kids and do handovers with her. But I don't get involved in the arrangements between my DP and the ExW. If I want to know something, I'll ask my DP to text her to find out. Its not my place to do it.

You don't know what your Ex is saying to his GF about the relationship with you so he might be saying things that make her feel more insecure.

It sounds like a lovely relationship you have together, much better than arguments and hostility that the kids witness. I kinda get where she is coming from because of his cheating past, she is probably insecure and I don't blame her.. but there's nothing more you could do to stop that really, you're being the perfect ex. This is his problem... if he wants to continue this then she will have to deal with it.

She really needs to get over herself. Sorry, skim read, but really?

DH's ex comes round for dinner and for Christmas - he helps out round her house as that the main home of his kids - they are growing up now but you get the idea. She also feeds our pets when we are away. She comes out for in laws special occasions, she was at my DH's 50th - as she's a huge part of his history. They went off together to youngest's graduation - 2 night stay away.

FGS. Your hunsband's new partner needs to get a grip.

She's chosen to be with a father with youngish kids. And with a cheater, so she's suspicious . I feel sorry for her but it's not your problem. Just refuse to get involved in keeping secrets.

I agree with the other that's he likes a bit of drama so don't be part of it e.g. Deleting texts malarkey