Difficult 'friend'

[humanfemale]

I have a 'friend' who is part of a group of mums I am close with. All our daughters were born around the same time and we've generally met up at least once a week since then.

This friend has always had a sharp tongue and she is generally critical and quite judgemental about nearly everyone she talks about. Definitely a glass-half-empty type of person. But over the last few months she has been really undermining my happiness and confidence with her comments. I now avoid her one-on-one but even in a group she manages to slip in some subtle comment that ends up making me feel like shit.

Her: Is that a new dress?
Me: No, I've had it years.
Her: looks me up and down, turns her face away from me

Me: I could always help with the face painting for [her DD's] party
Her: Well, we'll need to see if we're still friends then, won't we.

Her: Have you lost more weight?!

Also she has laughed quite loudly in a sort of snidey way a couple of times when I have been saying something that isn't funny.

She is always commenting on my clothes and although she doesn't always say anything bad outright, there is just a sort of unkind tone to it.

Sometimes I can feel her staring at me when I'm chatting in a group, and when I make eye contact she looks away.

I have really low self esteem anyway and hate confrontation, but I am just really angry that she sees something in me that makes it okay for her to treat me like this. She has made me feel really ashamed and inferior. Neither of the other women in this group (who are lovely) seem to have noticed anything at all - she's close with both of them.

I did back off from the group for a while (she is at nearly every meet up) but to be honest I miss the other two women and their daughters are my DDs best friends.

The other thing I should say is I was emotionally abused by my mother, so there is a part of me that is wondering whether I am blowing this all out of proportion because of my past. :(

What do you think? She's so subtle sometimes it takes a couple of hours before I feel the sting but it lasts for days.

Think she does see me as weaker, definitely. She's made me feel inferior a lot.

She can't make you feel anything. You must have decided that you're weak and my betting is that's an unfair self assessment. She obviously has some sort of problem but her reactions are her own, they are not a reflection of you. There's a saying 'if you want other people to change their behaviour first change your own'. Id ask her to clarify her digs as leaveit says and you can do this perfectly politely but assertively. It's then up to her whether she laughs it off or continues to be unpleasant but at least you'll know. I'd put some energy into expanding your circle; inviting new people into the present one, attending other groups, inviting different people over to yours, mix it up a bit, dilute her.

I don't know, making comebacks is really difficult, especially as half the time she isn't saying anything but is just giving sneery looks.
I would be surprised if the others haven't noticed unless she does it whilst they are occupied elsewhere, which seems possible. Maybe you could kill her with kindness, eg laugh and put an arm round her shoulder.
Perhaps some counseling to help you to not be affected by this is the way to go. If you can handle this spiteful bullying you can handle anything!!
I think I'd be tempted to have a heart to heart with the others when she is not around. Not saying she is nasty but 'isn't it weird when X behaves like this, is she jealous of me?' It won't feel so cutting if you know others are aware of it.

'New dress?' 'Fairly new' or 'yes/no.'
'Have you lost weight?' 'Eh..don't think so'
'..if we're still friends' 'well, of course!! Wouldn't be doing it otherwise!'
Don't elaborate/explain/justify yourself. She isn't important enough to you to care what she thinks. Indifference all the way!

She is so jealous.So the thing to be be is so upbeat.Is that a new dress?

Yes isnt it fantastic

Have you lost weight?

I know i lose weight so easy,its great.
Said with a great big smile.It will unnerve her,dont let her know it bothers you.

Thanks, all. I can see there's some really good advice here. Even just putting it out there seems to have helped loads to take some of her power away.

I can see that the problem has arisen because I have really weak boundaries where female relationships are concerned (see, told you I'd done therapy ha ha). It's a bit of a revelation to be honest. This sort of thing has happened several times through my life so far, always with female friends, and as a PP has pointed out it's because I keep on letting it happen. I'm just quite needy and desperate for people to like me. No doubt because my mum has serious (and entirely unmanaged) mental health problems and she managed to both terrorise and abandon me throughout childhood.

I'm going to keep on thinking and working in this, whilst avoiding The Bitch ;)

It has honestly made a massive difference and given me food for thought.