Has anyone just never introduced new man to DC?

[thestamp]

some may remember me from my leaving-my-dh thread last year... www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2495459-aibu-im-just-so-tired-v-v-long

I've somehow found myself with a new man I may or may not have dithered about committing to him for an obscenely long time but in my defence my marriage burned my fingers

I've sort of decided to just never introduce him to my children, who are still small (all under 5). Again this may or may not be because I am shit scared of well everything to do with men really, even when they're lovely like this one is

How feasible is this? I have three nights "off" every week, I spend two or all of them with New Man, I think that's quite a lot really.

Is it necessary to blend a new partner into your children's lives, if you don't have to? I can understand how for many people they are sort of forced to, because they have limited time without their children around, but I don't have that pressure very much.

Sometimes I think I would love to have New Man around almost every night. I sometimes miss him really dreadfully at night after the DC are asleep and I'm alone in bed. And then at other times I think, thank fuck we don't live together/don't spend almost every evening together. Penises Men are wonderful but I've realized I'm quite introverted and enjoy being on my own.

Plus, isn't it really quite difficult to combine competing Mummy-is-cuddling-new-man with DC-still-want-to-be-main-cuddle-receivers priorities? Never mind New-man-is-childless-and-probably-has-no-idea-how-demanding-and-limiting-small-DC-can-be ...

Anyone got any advice?? Should I start introducing him to the children, or should I plan to, or is it possible just to leave it indefinitely?

I suppose the best way to word the question... what can go wrong in NOT introducing them/ having them share space at times?

I've had a casual thing going on with someone for almost 2 years. There are various reasons why we aren't a proper couple, including the fact that we both have DC and live about 200 miles apart (neither of us would be willing to move because of the DC). It suits us to be honest. We both like having our own space and living independently. I see him every couple of weeks when my DS is with his dad, we enjoy each other's company, go out for meals and have fun.

Neither of us have met each others' DC, we keep it separate. To me he's not my DP though, I still think of myself as single.

Honestly I just don't really like the idea of spending happy family time with my DS and a man who isn't his father. ExH has a girlfriend and I have no issues with that but I just don't want it for me. I'm not lonely and I don't feel the need for anything more.

I don't think I'm relationship material.

I get where you're coming from OP. I think for me it's because I had a bad time with my exH not pulling his weight with DS and I don't want to end up in that situation again.

Interesting to read other posts on this as I felt like mine was an unusual set up!

I've dated a bit in the four+ years since my ex left.

I've only introduced them to one, and he was one I'd have considered marrying. The kids really got on with him and they still ask aaalllll the time about him. He didn't live with us and neither of us wanted that, so it was perfect.

I've never wanted to introduce any others, or even have them in our home when they're out. I might one day, but I've been a bit burned by the aforementioned guy.

Interesting to hear different views and experiences ... nearly two years out of awful, abusive marriage. I started seeing someone about 8 months after marriage ended, as friends, though I knew he wanted more from the off. I was cautious, defensive and easily triggered.

I've seen him away from my children, they have no idea he was even in my life. It developed into dating nearly a year after, and is now something more serious. Reasons for not introducing: I was very confused and although I liked him I worried it was rebound, that he seemed nice but wasn't (compared with my ex it wasn't difficult to achieve!), I don't have any male friends so I figured they'd realise, lots of disruption in their lives due to divorce, move and ex still abusive. I think I needed to make super sure it's for keeps (as much as it's poss to know), I rushed into my 1st marriage and I doubted my judgement a lot. In a way I probably needed to 'test' new man, even if it sounds a horrible thing to say. At the same time I was very honest with him.

I'm now at a stage when I'd like to be able to include him in a day out or some such. He and I have discussed it and we're going to do an outdoorsy Christmas thing with him in a few weeks. The idea isn't for him to do everything with me and kids from then on. But he makes me very happy, it now feel like I'm excluding him from a part of my life. Guess it's just natural progression. He's been exceptionally supportive and understanding, I think. He has a grown-up child and is a widower so has a very different experience of life. We can also talk about it in a calm adult way.

Everyone is different. For me spending 2 or 3 evenings/nights with him in the first year would have been way too much. Equally, him getting little gifts for my kids when he doesn't know them would have completely put me off. Does your new man have any idea what he'd like? One year from a marriage breakdown isn't a long time. Guess the kids' ages and our ages also make a difference in how we might go about it. Don't think your friends should try to influence what you do though...

Two and a half years with my DP. We don't live together and for the most part my kids lives and DP didn't mix at all for first year but with time it has increased. When I need help or they do he is there for us. Feeling poorly yesterday so he popped over to give youngest a lift to her activity then left. Yes it can work long term but be prepared for some natural overlap to occur as time goes on. If I had struggled to take her yesterday and refused his offer of help it would have been silly as I would have accepted help from other 'friends or acquaintances'.
He's a practical man and always on hand for practical support with kids/house but wouldn't dream of offering opinions on parenting etc. 95% of our together time is at his place which is wonderful and it's nice having my two lives and my 'holiday' home at his. I pop an occasional load of laundry on, share the food shopping and cooking there and get thanked each and every time!
Just enjoy and be prepared to let him fit in naturally should occasions present themselves same as any other 'friend' is my suggestion.

I've dated a bit since my marriage ended 2 years ago. My first bf (short-term) didn't even come to my house, but my second one has and has met the children. Mostly this is because I only get 1 evening off a fortnight from my children and I do want to spend nights with my boyfriend so it has to be at my house. I wouldn't have done this if I hadn't thought it was serious, and I won't be introducing another boyfriend to them if I break up with this one.

If I had 3 nights off a week, I may have left it longer too actually. I think you just have to do what fits in with you and what works best for you.

Really interesting thread.

I've been seeing DP for 18 months. Never felt the need for DCs to meet my lover (and that's what he is, and it's wonderful) but XH refuses to have DCs so I have very little time with him. Things are changing and I am feeling like the DCs should meet DP, I miss him, and it's just getting odd that they haven't met. But there will be no step-parenting. The DCs don't want it, DP doesn't want it. The family is me and kids. But it would be lovely to have him around a bit.